“Well there was a disconnect. I really couldn’t see how you could have married someone else. It was beyond me. It was almost unfathomable, but obviously you’d done it and on top of that, you were having a baby for Godsakes. So I just had no idea what to make of it outside of thinking I’d better come to terms with this as a fact. You had moved along, so I’d better. Because to tell you the truth, I was sort of waiting for you to come back. I hoping the whole time, delusional or otherwise. I couldn’t help myself.”

“I wish I’d have known. I’d have come back if I knew you wanted me. I thought you didn’t want me.”

“Yeah. I know. So anyway, I was in a stupor at that point. I was moving but barely. I had to go very slow because it was just all I could do. And it wasn’t the only thing going on. Scott’s sister died… she was 25. And there were other things. There were lots of them, so I don’t know. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t run out and date anyone at all. I just sort of knew better than to try to do that. And in a way, I think in the long run this was for the best. But I did have dates now and then whether I wanted them or not and this was the thing.”

“What?”

“Well, after you left I started dating all these millionaires.”

“Millionaires?”

“Yeah. Except this was back when that was a lot of money. And it was strange. And I have no idea where they came from but there was a stream of them… like five or eight of them in a row. One then another and then another, and this made it that much worse.”

“How?”

“Oh, I didn’t like them I didn’t like any of them and it was confusing to me. It hurt me not to like them, actually. It pained me. See all the people wanted me to marry a dentist, they wanted me with a dentist, so for those people a millionaire was even better.”

“I see.”

“Yeah. So everyone should now be happy, right? Everyone was where they were supposed to be. You had gone off to your destiny. You had a wife, which you wanted and you were having a baby, which you wanted. I was with a millionaire, which the peanut gallery wanted so why aren’t I happy? How come I don’t feel good? How come I hate every single one of these bastards? I had no idea. I just know I was bored and I was miserable and it sort of culminated that night I got stopped at the light.”

“What light?”

“I sent you this story. I had been out on a date with this millionaire… I didn’t want to go out with him.”

“Why did you go out with him?”

“Well, I said no. I told him I had no interest in him whatsoever. I didn’t want to have dinner with him at all and said so. But then his friend got involved and made it like a bet. You know. They turned it into sport and I was in a situation where to not eat dinner with this guy… well it would not be sporting of me and you know I am not going to be a bad sport of any kind, so I did it.”

“I see.”

“So I met him for dinner and I was coming home on your bike. In a dress, no less, because you know how I am. I’m not going to dinner wearing pants and it was late and very cold. See, I wouldn’t let him pick me up. He was not allowed to come to my house because I didn’t like him! And it never even occurred to me I lived in a hovel, which is odd. I just didn’t want him coming over…. I didn’t want him, or anyone, close to me. But anyway I had to meet him and I did. I went to the restaurant on your motorcycle, in this white dress and dinner was long. There were all these courses, like a million courses and he was exquisitely boring and worse than that, after the date he kissed me in the parking lot. It was like a peck on the lips and I hated it so much, I had to wipe it off my mouth as soon as I got around the corner.”

“Ugh.”

“Right. So then I was coming home, my legs were freezing because it was late and it was cold. Bare legs of course. I didn’t know what pantyhose was. So I was freezing my ass and you know how when you’re cold on a bike, you want to stop because it’s so cold and it’s warmer without the wind? But you also want to go and just get where you’re going too.”

“Yeah.”

“Well I was really cold. The restaurant was far away from my house… I was tired, so when I saw the light turn yellow, I was relieved and I think that’s what triggered it. Because I stopped at that light and I just let go. I sat there on your bike and just cried and cried and cried and sobbed about you. And it was your bike, too. I was so aware of this. How could I have your bike and not you? What the fuck. How did this happen? How come I was riding your bike but you weren’t there. I just started crying because I wanted you, not the bike and nothing made sense to me. You know. Why can’t I stop thinking about you? Why can’t I get over you?”

“Oh, man.”

“So anyway, I cried. Like tears spilling all over, I was heaving. And the light changed but there was no one there, so I just say through the green light and finished my crying.”

“I’m sorry, P.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything. Not your fault. But I might have sat through 2 lights I don’t know. I was tired, crying and cold. Frozen. And there was no one around. The intersection was deserted… it was a metaphor too. I knew what I was doing. I did not want to go until I could really go if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I needed to get over you. I just had to get over you. So I just sat at that light and cried like hell and then I quit. And when the light changed to green again, I took off and after that I never cried over you again. I just decided I was going to have to live without you and that was that. I wiped my tears on my arm and zoomed off.”

skip to Special Forces…