“After you left? Well I was screwed,” I said. “But I didn’t know it right away. I told myself… well I was hoping you’d be back. I kind of thought, how could you leave me. I thought you might be back and on some other level, knew otherwise.”

“I’m sorry, P. I wish I’d have never left. I sure never wanted to.”

“Well, it’s not your fault. I could have called you at any time and I am sure if I would have you’d have come back… done whatever.’

“You got that right.”

“But I didn’t see how I could do that. If you came back on your own, then okay. But I could not call you back because I just thought for sure… I had to let you go because you were starting to fly. You were really gaining momentum then. You were picking up speed. A lot speed at that time.”

“I wanted you with me.”

“I know. But you didn’t know who I was. I’d have messed you up. I’d have messed you up for sure and I… I have no idea how I could have done that. I was taught this you know. I was taught (by Henry), you do not mess up people’s lives. You don’t get in their way. You don’t have the right. He said that specifically. No man has the right to interfere… you are not supposed to interfere with someone chasing their hopes and dreams, or this kind of thing, ever.”

“But I was madly in love with you. You were not messing up my life.”

“Well that’s what you say and maybe you’re right, but I don’t really think so. You don’t know the whole story. You don’t know the story I know. I think I would have messed your life up completely. I am pretty sure of this. You’d have been in a mess with me and it’s not like I didn’t think about it. I tried to find a way I could possibly be with you but there was no way. I am sorry but this is what I thought back then and like I said, I’m not so sure I was wrong. I probably was not wrong. But anyway, I am not allowed to mess up someone’s life or thwart them in anyway, I can tell you that for sure. This is a core thing in me and it’s particularly clear in the case of someone like you who knows exactly what they want. You were cruising with a goal in mind and you are supposed to get out of the way of something like that. Or if anything, help it. And in this case, I did help by opening up the door and then not calling you back.”

“I sure wish you’d have talked to me. I’d have set you straight about this.”

“Whatever. You don’t know the story. I could not hold you. I would not. But anyway after you left there was a delay. But when it hit me, I thought I was gonna die. You know, there was some delay, like a month. I was able to keep up some level of denial, you’d be back. But after awhile that starts to fray and you think, oh God. What if he doesn’t come back?”

“I’m sorry, P.”

“Nah. I’m telling you this, so you know. You ought to know this. So anyway, when you start to have your defenses fall like that, well you scramble to put the illusion back up in a hurry but eventually reality just catches up. And next thing you know, well I was just crying all the time but no one knew it.”

“How come? Why you didn’t tell anyone what you were going through?”

“There was no one to tell. Nobody ever understood what I was doing with you in the first place. They just did not get it. They did not get you, us, or anything at all. Not in the slightest.”

“That’s something else I want to talk about.”

“Okay, but right now this. No one understood the depth. They did not understand how we were connected, what you meant to me… they didn’t know who I was, they didn’t know…. they really didn’t know anything. People cared about me but they didn’t know anything so it was… they could not touch me. So nobody understood it and I was in a fuck of a lot of pain. So am I going to talk about this? Try to explain it after the fact?” I shook my head. “There was no way I was going to do that. This was private. It was my own private loss to go through. Because even if I told someone and got them to understand, what would say? Would they tell me to call you?”

“I wish someone would have told you that.”

“Well it wouldn’t have mattered. Because I couldn’t call you, remember? I could not. I am not allowed to mess up people’s lives or their happiness or their dreams or anything else. And I was utterly… I was sure this is what I would be doing if I were to hook my life up with yours. When you are trying to take off the way you were? No way. Am I going to ruin your life just because you love me? Or I love you? I’m not. I am just not capable, so you can see the problem. This was impossible just like everything else. Even if I could get someone to understand, they’d tell me to call you, and I’d have to say that I can’t.”

“I see.”

“Then they’d want to know why and then I would have this other epic story to tell and who is this person I am talking to anyway?” I laughed. “How much can you dump on one poor bastard? Assuming they exist and they didn’t, I would not be allowed to do that either!”

“Oh, P. Jesus.”

“So anyway, when it actually hit me? It might have been 2 months after you left. I might have held it off even longer than that, the full force of it. Because I just kept going through all of this. I had to. I was drowning in bills and responsibilities you knew nothing about. So I kept going, and I don’t think anyone had any idea. I know that no one had any idea. But once it hit me, it hit me hard. It was pure trauma. I guess I’d say it was like getting into a car wreck in slow motion over and over. Or it was like slamming into the rocks over and over and over, just bashing into them… take three steps, BASH. Take three steps? SMASH. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. BASH! To the tell you the truth, I don’t think I even tried to stop it. Stop it how? I knew… well I had been through some shit before, obviously. So anyway, this went on for some months. Several months, 3 or 4 and I just waited for when it would stop, or when you would ride up on your bike and it would all be a bad dream. I was patient, actually. I was just going to go through it because I just saw no other option and you know, I never said a word to anyone. Not a word.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“You don’t have to be. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. I’m telling you, this had to happen. There was just no other way. And if I ever get this story out, perhaps you’ll see. But anyway when I was just about beaten to a pulp… I WAS beaten to a pulp, this is when that guy popped up. You had been gone like… I don’t know. 6 or 8 months or something. And he pops up and he’s just talking and he says your name. Your name came up so you can imagine my heart in my throat. And then he says all casual, oh yeah, he’s married now.” I stopped to exhale. “What? You’re married? How could that be?”

“Oh, P. I’m sorry.”

“Well it happened. And I almost passed out right there. Right then. I swear… you know. I felt my knees go. I thought I might faint, although I am sure I was smiling. I am sure you couldn’t tell a thing. Pure poker face, as always.”

“Ugh. Ugh.”

“But then he said, and his wife is pregnant. And when he said that, well I had to just walk away. I just left. I had to go vomit. I had to puke. And I guess it was right about there, I decided I better quit thinking of you and fast. And I felt so stupid. Because I was still in love with you and now you were in love with someone else and I just had no idea what to do.”

Skip to “Millionaires”

pictured- that’s Henry. Double Capricorn, stellium in Sagittarius