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Adult Daughter and Her Husband Taking Advantage of Disabled Single Mother: Saturn, Neptune Transit to Leo Moon
Oh Elsa,
My adult daughter and her husband have been renting my house for the past five years. I became disabled in September of 99 and had to move into an assisted living complex, so we agreed they’d rent my house for a 5 year term, at which point the house would be sold (I need the money to live). While they did pay the rent, they did not keep to the terms of the agreement re: maintenance. There have been many fraught situations which caused me great anxiety and financial distress while sorting them out: house insurance canceled, contractors with no credentials hired, etc., etc.
My relationship with my daughter has always been fraught with difficulty. I feel like I must walk on eggshells around her, as I am frightened of her reactions. Historically, I have played the troubleshooter, savior (financially), and though I always hoped that “this time things would be different”… she does not confide, communicate or want to spend a bit of time with me. My marriage ended when she was 3 years old, and I was a single parent.
In October of 2006, my daughter and her husband approached me out of the blue about buying my house and pressured me to tell them what I wanted for it. I felt threatened and jangled (this development was unexpected, though I did wonder why they were coming for a visit as it had been about 4 months since I had last seen them). I insisted upon an appraisal to find a starting point for negotiations about price.
The appraisal came in and while I was disappointed by how low the figure was, my daughter, who is adopted, was very aggressively condemnatory about the high value the appraiser placed on the property.
During the interim, she announced they were expecting their first child in July. I doubt they would qualify for a mortgage, as her salary will be reduced during her pregnancy leave - and her husband is self-employed and not very successful.
Now they are demanding I clear out the storage room of my books & treasures as they want to fix up the room for the baby. They want to have an option to purchase the house in 18 months time, but do repairs now (how they intend to finance these repairs is a mystery to me and when I inquire, I am told it is none of my business).
I am torn between wanting to be the good parent (and giving them the delayed option to buy the house), and a strong feeling that they are hoping I will be dead before the time comes to close on the house (which they will then inherit).
A friend remarked that I was totally blind regarding my daughter, and suggested I snap out of my delusion and accept that she would never be anything but financially abusive and personally neglectful. I feel frightened having to take a stand, and I am torn between wanting to help, and wanting to have a better quality of life for myself. Any insight would be gratefully appreciated.
Home Owner
Canada
Dear Home,
I agree with your friend and with you since your friend is not telling you anything you don’t know, I don’t think it’s clarity that will be most helpful. What you need is permission to evict your ungrateful daughter, pregnant or otherwise, and as far as I am concerned you have it. You not only can do this, you should do this.
Your daughter is in her 30’s, and you are no longer responsible for her. You are in your 50’s - and disabled or otherwise, you don’t sound like you anywhere near dying. So you’d be well advised to get your house back, sell it and secure your future. And I don’t think this will be easy.
Your daughter has copious amounts of Scorpio and is a skilled manipulator. You are a Taurus with a Libra Rising so you want to be nice, and furthermore Venus rules your Sun and Ascendant is in Pisces, inclining you to act as a doormat. Considering this, it’s plain to see that if you don’t stand up and fight, she will get your house (she already has it) and you will wind up her victim.
Now your Moon (rules the home) is caught up in the current Saturn Neptune opposition and at the moment you are drawing lines (Saturn) which then erase (Neptune). So this tendency is this there but I feel you must fight it. Cut your losses with your daughter on all levels… let her go. Because you are sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn’t even care about you. And I am sorry to say that, but I don’t think it’s news. So here’s a plan:
Evict your daughter. Sounds harsh, but you will never get her out any other way. Expect to have to deal with waves of emotion and times where you question yourself, am I do the right thing and so forth. When these feelings come, call your friend for support. Expect your daughter to use her baby to foster feelings of obligation in you, but hold your line. And you can equate this to alcoholism.
You are trying to get sober here, okay? And that is never easy! But if you don’t manage this the bottle (your daughter) is going to take your house, plain and simple.
Good luck.
~~
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10 Responses to “Adult Daughter and Her Husband Taking Advantage of Disabled Single Mother: Saturn, Neptune Transit to Leo Moon”
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Dear daughter also sounds like she may inclined toward borderline personality disorder.
This is not the place for this but my big mouth is going to open anyways.
You need a lawyer. Period. In the US you would, in most states, have the right to sue your daughter for neglecting repairs on the house. I would evict her and go after her for the repairs. Think of it like this. When you rent an apartment the landlord paints the walls and replaces the carpeting every few tenants or every few years. That’s called “normal wear and tear” but in an apartment building the landlord is repsonsible for fixing the heating and plumbing and roof and doors and windows etc. etc.
She’s renting the whole house. You don’t go over and inspect the house regularily and you don’t have the money to repair it. It’s her job. It’s as if you loaned her your piggy bank. Said, keep it safe on the shelf and don’t take any money out of it because I’m going to need it in 5 years. Instead she breaks it, takes money out, and then reglues what’s left.
If she’s asking for the “option to purchase” she’s going to attempt to take out a home improvement loan against that option. Roll the loan into the mortgage when she purchases it because by the time the repairs are done there will be enough assessed value in the home to take out a mortgage large enough (yes, even despite all of the mortgage lenders filing bankrupcy this last week) to cover the home improvement loan and the cost of the home.
I’m sorry. I’m angry. You don’t deserve this and I know enough law to know what she’s done is wrong. I truly dislike wrong and the people that do wrong to others. It makes me mad. You need an advocate in your corner. Maybe it’s not a lawyer, maybe it’s just a good friend that says “she’s not meaning you well, stay strong, stay firm”
Good luck!!
Dear Mother: Listen to Elsa. It’s a hard decision to make but she’s right. Make sure you get lots of moral support from your truest friends who have your best interests in mind bc this is going to be tough for you. But you’ll be doing the right thing for yourself and for your daughter, as well, bc it sounds like she needs a reality check about her scheming ways. Best of luck!
Best of luck to you. I really do hope you find a way to tell your daughter to find someplace else to live. And dont fall for tears.. they will be fake.
I’m so sorry you have such a wretched ingrate for a daughter, especially as a disabled woman. At your age, your offspring really ought to be grown and matured enough to not be so effin’ selfish.
Get a lawyer, absolutely. A good one, and quickly. While you’re at it, you might want to make sure you have statements from your doctor(s) stating that, while physically disabled, your mind is perfectly sharp. I wouldn’t be surprised if she took a step toward getting a power of attorny by claiming you’re mentally infirm. It’s dirty, but then so is the rest of this.
Throw her the hell out. I can not help but be so angry about this situation! I have siblings that can be quite schemey and have taken advantage of my parents, something I would never even CONSIDER doing (haha, my full of scorpio big brother) You don’t deserve that kind of treatment at all and I hope you are able to get her out and sell your house and have some peace of mind.
C and seekingzen said it better than i could. if you need someone to be an intermediary with your daughter so you don’t get trampled, i’d definately say that’s perfectly okay.
good lord while reading this I thought…I wish she lived near me so I could rent it and do the upkeep..I would love to do that….and then I wonder how much rent is. Then I read Canada…Darn I can’t do it. I wish I could. I turely wish I could renovate it with help of some friends and then in 5 or more years when I have other things in order move out so you could sell. Are you sure you aren’t in California?
I hope you can take matters into your hands and get the help you need to improve this house and sell it in the time you need and for more money than you think you will get now.
The advice all sounds safe and sane. To address the guilt factor of becoming a Grandma is huge. Once she sells her home she could perhaps open an account for the grandchild with a sum that she feels is fair and not taking from her life style. Make it payable to the Grandbaby at some appropriate adult age. This might ease falling into the traps the daughter might try to throw out in anger. Parent/Grandparent guilt is huge.
Dear Elsa & all those who responded,
Thank you for the reality check!
I have secured the services of a lawyer (whose advice echoed that which I read above), and have turned the whole sorry mess over to him.
The “notice to quit” has been sent by registered mail. My lawyer suggested that for the foreseeable future, all communications for and from my daughter go through his office.
I agreed.
For the first time in many years I feel somewhat safe; even after listening to the detailed approaches that may be necessary to obtain “vacant possession” of my house.
Your support and compassionate replies have helped me so very much; every time I begin to waver, I re read your posts and force myself to deal with the reality of the situation.
I am so very grateful to this community for providing me with an “outside, objective” view of the situation.
I will never forget your kindness & caring.
All the best from Nova Scotia