“Well it was no big deal to give you the bike. Seems the least I could do to thank you for saving my life.”

“I never saved your life,” I said.

“Yes you did. More than once,” he said.

“I don’t remember that. Not only do I not remember saving your life, I don’t remember you life ever being in danger! When was your life ever in danger?”

He reminded me the circumstance. It’s ugly.

“We were broken up when all this was going on,” he said. “And I am sure none of it would have happened if we’d not broken up but anyway, you just happened to call the barracks, looking for me.”

“Horny, no doubt,” I said. “Uh oh, Elsa needs laid. Time to make up!” I snorted.

“Yeah, maybe. But I’m sure glad you called because I was in deep trouble. You have no idea the trouble I was in.”

“No, I don’t.”

“But anyway, you got my roommate on the phone and he told you something. I don’t know what he told you but it couldn’t have been much. There was nothing for him to tell you because there was nothing he knew. But whatever he said, you figured it out. You knew I was in trouble and you came over right away. Like, immediately you were there. Because he called me and told me you were coming. You know. He warned me. He figured if he sent you and I didn’t want you there, I’d kick his ass. So he was covering his ass and almost as soon as he called me, you were already there.”

“I see. I remember, but only vaguely. He’s in trouble? Okay, whatever. I’ll go get him. I surely didn’t think I was saving your life. I was coming to get laid, is what I was coming to do!”

“Well whatever the reason, I sure was glad to see you. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who could have got me out of that state at that time, other than you. And come to think of it, I don’t even know how you got there. You didn’t have the bike then, so you must have walked. Or maybe you rode a bus or you got someone to give you a ride. How did you get there, anyway?”

“I don’t know. I think I may have gotten a ride. I vaguely remember riding over there in the back seat of someone’s car, I think. And they dropped me off but a little way off. I was going to sneak up on you, sort of. You know. I was going to approach you carefully, I know that. Because someone did tell me you were going crazy.”

“They were right.”

“Okay, so I went over to check you out and un-crazy you and hopefully get laid in the end. You know. Reinstate my piece of ass! My access to sex! But I don’t remember it being that bad. I might have blocked that out.”

“Yeah, maybe. Because it was bad all right. Real bad. Could not have been worse, P.”

“Well I don’t remember having to nurse you or anything. I mean, you were okay.”

No, you didn’t have to nurse me. And I was okay, but not until you got there. It was your coming over that fixed it. As soon as I saw it was you, I felt better instantly. Like the instant I laid eyes on you I knew it would all be okay.”

“Oh, well that makes sense. You always calmed down around me.”

“You have no idea how true that is. And this is probably why you don’t remember this. Because to you it was no big deal. Because basically all you had to do is walk in and things improved. This is just how your energy is, or at least how it is with me. And I don’t think I am the only one who knows this about you. Or notices this about you.”

“I am Babe the Pig?’

“You are Babe the Pig. So you didn’t have to do much, just show up. It was no big deal to you, but to me… I was in dire condition and you really did save my life.”

“What did I do?’

“Nothing much. You walked in and you sort of looked around. You didn’t like what you saw but you didn’t say anything. You know. You didn’t make me feel bad or anything. You just said, come on, man. Let’s get out of here.”

“I see.”

“I asked you where you were taking me. I’m not taking you anywhere, you said. You’re taking me! You’re the one with the bike! You’re the one with the transportation! I’m the one who needs a ride home so get your ass up and get on your bike and take me there!” He laughed. “Take me home, because I want to see you. That’s why I am here. I want to see you but I don’t want to see you here, so come on!”

I chuckled. “See? I want to have sex.”

“Yeah, you did. But you had to save my life first. That was in the way. We can’t have sex with me dying, P. Save my life, and then we can screw,” he said.

“I see. Well let’s get on with it then.”.

“Yep, that’s how you were. You were rushing me then, too. I said I needed a ride home, so come on, you said! Get your boots on, for Godsakes. I said we’re leaving so what are you waiting for? Take me home and take me home now, right now, this minute. Because I do not, not, not want to be here. Do you want to be here?”

“Did you?”

“Hell no! No I don’t, I said. I do not want to be here. Well good! Either do I. So that’s why we’re leaving, you said, so come on!”

I laughed.

“And you said if there was anything I wanted to keep, I should grab it because we would be coming back. We’re never going to see this place again, you said. You actually threatened to burn it down. I ought to burn this place to the ground, you said.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, you said that. So you knew. You knew it was bad shit, P.”

“Yeah, I guess. But I also knew you were gonna be fine. Just come get the dumbass, bring him home and that’s that. End of drama. Feed him a taco and he’ll be fine.”

“Feed him a taco?” He busted up.

I laughed too, but only to cover the fact that was a Freudian slip.

Have you ever had to round someone up like this? What about the inverse?

skip to “Special Forces and the Suicide Mission”