“So anyway, this went on forever. It just drug on and on like these things do… court things, attorney things and the whole time I was trying to figure out how I could marry you. You know how I am. You call it angling,” I said.

“Yep.”

“Right. So I am doing what I do. I’m trying to figure this out the whole time. Come on, man. There’s got to be a way. How can I marry this guy?” I laughed.

“I wished you’d have figured it out. Or said something.”

“Me too, I think. I mean I don’t know. We both think things happen the way they’re supposed to, right? That’s our belief. But anyway I’m telling you, I really tried to figure this out. Hmm. How can I solve these 1100 problems I have, all of which are acute so I can marry this guy and never have him know the problems even existed? I laughed. “Surely there is a way.”

“Oh, P”

“Well it’s true. And I wish I was exaggerating but I am not. Not much anyway. I might have had 500 problems rather than 1100, but you know. I was definitely drowning in them and I was definitely trying to find a way I could marry you like pulling off some kind of trick of the century.”

“I can’t believe you thought you needed to trick me into marrying you. I’d have done anything to marry you. Anything. I’d have… I believe I’d have given up one of my nuts to marry you. I would have. You can have a kid with one nut, right?”

“I think so,” I said.

“Okay, well they I’d have given one up for sure. I wanted to have a kid so I would have to keep one of them but I’d have easily given the other up if I could have had a kid with you. I don’t need an extra nut! What I need is for you to be my wife.”

“Okay, well I didn’t know that. I thought you’d be better off without me. I was sure of it. I mean I knew you loved me but I thought that was contingent on me being who you thought I was and not having any problems. You just have no idea the burden (Saturn) I was hiding (Neptune). I keep telling you this. And you know, I had no support from anywhere to be with you,” I said. “Do you realize that? No one wanted me to be with you. In fact, they pretty much thought anyone but you.”

“I know that. That’s true. And why was that? What was wrong with me? I loved you. I was good to you. I treated you well, didn’t I, P?”

“Yeah. You were great. I was very happy with you. I don’t remember you ever doing anything bad to me… making me feel bad in any way at any time.”

“Then what was the problem? What was their problem with you being with me? What didn’t they like about you with me? What did they think was wrong with me?”

“Well you scared them, I think.”

“Scared them? What did I ever do?”

“Nothing. But you have to understand, I worked in these bars… I was a kid and for whatever reason, people liked me. I don’t know what it was. Maybe they sensed or could see I had no family so they all sort of adopted me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So of course they want me… they want good things for me. They were all like these surrogate parents to me and they wanted me to be happy.”

“But you were happy. You just said you were.”

“Right. But that’s not how people are. They think what makes them happy will make other people happy. They don’t consider the individual.”

“So like… what did they would make you happy? If not me, then who? Tell me who if not me, that you’d have been happier with?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think they all thought I should just find me a nice dentist, marry him and settle down.”

“A dentist? A dentist! What the hell would you be doing with a dentist?”

“Being safe I guess,” I said with a snort. “I’d be having what most people consider a good life. You marry a dentist and then you’re done. After that, I think you go shopping or something. I guess. How the hell would I know?”

“Well, I think that’s ridiculous. You wouldn’t be happy with a dentist. A dentist? And then you go shopping? What the..?”

“Well see, here’s the thing. They were as mixed up about who I was as you were. You think I am Catholic. They think I should marry a dentist and I’m pretty much amused. When I’m not confused that is. I was confused quite a bit.”

“Confused about what?”

“Confused about how you could think I was Catholic! Confused about how they could think I should dump a man I love and marry a dentist!” I laughed.

“I see.”

“Yeah. I was confused about how I could be standing right there and have no one be able to see me. And although I didn’t think I wanted to marry a dentist… it had never occurred to me, when the whole world suggests something you have to at least think about it. Especially if you’re a teenager from the desert who has never seen TV!”

He didn’t answer.

“I mean it’s very hard to argue these things. How am I going to argue with you? You’re the one with the vocabulary! You’re the one who knew all the big words and not only that, you knew them in several languages for Godsakes! Shall I debate you in Latin? What do you think?”

He laughed.

“And these other people are from town! You know. TOWN? Town is not the desert! And I’d just got to town for the most part so I had to take all of you pretty seriously even if you were a bunch of fools. I didn’t necessarily know a fool when I saw one.”

Do you ever feel invisible? Where is Neptune in your chart?

skip to Rancho Diablo and the Biker Bar