We’re discussing sexual harassment here, as outlined in the last blog. And you can see the heavy Saturn influence (restriction) on my Mars (the action I take) and Mercury (time and communication), here. I just think the astrology is stunning.

What I say (Mercury) may provoke violence (Mars) for which I will be responsible (Saturn)… and so on and on and on. Themes of control, and do the right and responsible thing, in every direction and on every level.

“So anyway, you’ve been to court. You know what it entails.”

“It takes over your life.”

“Right. And that was once I got that far. To the lawsuit, I mean. Because that guy was on me for months. And I just didn’t know what to do. I can’t tell you how deep the conflict. I was tortured. Many times I wanted to tell you because I knew you’d stop him. I mean if I told you, you’d have taken care of this for me.”

“I wouldn’t have killed him, but I’d have definitely fucked him up.”

“Right. And here’s the thing: I am deeply ambivalent on this subject. Violence, I mean. ; I don’t think what you would have done is entirely wrong. I mean, I don’t know if it’s wrong or right. Because there are people out there who just completely run amok. And there is part of me who just wishes someone like you would come along and fix this! Like my boss. When I came time to look for other bodies… for other girls whose lives he had wrecked, it didn’t take me long to turn them up. This guy was a first class prick. So if someone punched him, so what? Seems the least he deserved. A punch?”

“I understand, P.”

“So he’s wrecking me on a daily basis and there was no way to not go back and forth all the time around telling you. Because I was trying to solve this myself for a long time and getting nowhere. I was trying to do girl things. You know. I was trying to manipulate him. Maybe if I don’t react, he’ll stop. I was doing this type thing that is common and powerless and the whole time knowing that if I really talked to you about this guy… well, he’d get hurt.”

“Uh huh.”

“But then I’d think about coming into work and seeing his jaw wired… oh no! And look at that! He has a black eye!

“Yeah, he’d have gotten that for sure.”

“What?”

“A broken jaw and a black eye.”

“Okay, so now I know what you’d have done. But I figured this out, anyway. And it was just too gross for me. I just… it’s just not me. Do I want to see this guy with a smashed face? I don’t! Or if I do, I’d rather smash myself!” I laughed. “And I’m not going to be smashing anyone’s face. I have Libra! So this meant this guy got away with what he was doing for months.”

“I’m sorry, P. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I’m sorry I didn’t know about it because I’d have done something for sure.”

“I know. And when you were around, it was off my mind. Because I was happy, right? We always had a blast no matter what. Look at the pictures. Where are you going to find two people happier?”

“No, you couldn’t.”

“But then you’d leave for two days and when you did, I couldn’t sleep. This guy really got to me. And of course it escalated. The things he said got worse and worse.”

“Ugh.”

“So you’d be gone, and I’d think, damn it! I should I have told him. I could get this guy’s ass kicked!” I laughed. “But thing is, I could not do it. I just couldn’t. And I don’t know what, ass-kicked, meant anyway. How bad? I don’t think I wanted to find out, so I just had to stand what was going on until I could figure out how to stop him, and you see that I did. I did figure it out, eventually.”

“You done good, P.”

“Yeah. Not bad for a 17 year old kid from the desert with nothing but a bicycle to her name.”

“And some yellow pants,” he said with a chuckle.

I laughed. “Yep, I had those pants,” I said. “And I could wear them! But really, what I did it not the point. I am just trying to get you to have a feel for what I was containing back then. I have to get you to see this somehow or I will never be able to get my real message across. I have a real message! So I want you to see this, to know what has really going on back then, and also remember, it’s the tip of an iceberg. There were so many things I was not able to tell you back then it was joke and not a very good one. And when you got off work, we had what? 36 hours?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Something like that unless I had to work which I always did, so you get the picture here. Time is limited and do I really want to bite into this thing I think will take me ten years to chew? I’d have almost had to have been crazy to do that. And once I got that lawsuit filed. I did have help. My roommate was in on it. Scott was helping too. And I have never thought my problems were anything but mine to solve anyway, so there you go. I was getting this done so when I saw you coming, well you know what I did.”

“What?”

“I used to run and jump on you. I’d pretty near tackle you. Never mind all this other crap, I was just glad to see you. Remember that?”

“Of course. I liked that.”

“Yeah? Well you acted like you didn’t,” I laughed. ‘Okay, okay. That’s enough, you’d say.”

“Well I’m a man, Els. You can’t be acting like you like that kind of thing. A little bit is okay. You can like it some, but not too much.”

Skip to Hall of Mirrors…

Have you ever felt controlled by outside circumstances? How did you handle it? How did you fare?