Dear Elsa,

I started dating a guy about a month ago, and there have only been a handful of days we haven’t spent together. He calls me every day and is very good for my ego. He tells me I’m beautiful, I’m the best woman he’s ever met, how kind I am, that I would be a good wife, how great the sex is (it is AMAZING!), etc. We have great conversations, he’s very funny, intelligent, and has a good job. He’s a great communicator, which is such a wonderful change from my previous relationship.

The problem is that he got divorced at the beginning of 2006 and I don’t think he’s over his ex-wife. He talks about her a lot and how much she hurt him. He’s told me he’s afraid to get attached again and have his heart broken. I totally understand where he’s coming from because I’ve had two long-term relationships that have ended very badly. Both guys cheated on me and I’m so afraid of it happening again. I have no trust
whatsoever.

My family was visiting this past weekend and he wanted to meet them, so he did. Everything went well. They all really liked him and he liked them. He was supposed to meet us the next day for lunch, but he flaked on me. He called me later to apologize profusely and told me that he just got scared because he liked my family so much. Again, he’s afraid of getting attached.

He said things were moving too fast for his mental health and asked me to give him a couple days. I said that was no problem and gave him his space, but he ended up calling me the next day and wanting to see me. He has been seeing a therapist, but I think it’s been a while since he’s seen her. He keeps telling me he needs to go, but he hasn’t. I’ve agreed with him and told him he should go, but he hasn’t. Obviously, I can’t force him.

He also seems to be a bit flaky. Aside from him not meeting my family for lunch that day, he’s never on time. He’ll tell me he’ll be at my place in 40 minutes and sometimes it ends up being a couple hours. He called me yesterday and said he’d call me last night, but he never did. These kinds of things bother me. He doesn’t seem very dependable. I’m not sure if this will change, and if it doesn’t, I don’t know if I can handle it.

We haven’t exactly discussed what kind of a relationship we have, but he has referred to himself as my boyfriend and me as his girlfriend. I don’t want to scare him away by talking about these things, but I’d like to get some answers. I’m not sure if he’s being 100% honest with me. He has told me he uses drinking as a crutch sometimes and this also worries me. I think I’ve only seen him drink 5 or 6 times, and it’s never excessive.

Should I continue with this relationship or is it a lost cause? I really like him and it seems we have an amazing connection, but I know it’s only been a short period of time. I’m such a worrier and just so afraid of finding another guy who’s going to lie to me again. I really don’t want that. Sorry this is so long and thank you!

Has A New Man
United States