The Soldier has his Saturn (restriction, oppression, control, etc.) in aspect to my Mars Mercury (communication) which makes it enormously difficult if not impossible for me to transfer information about certain things. It’s incredibly frustrating on my end. It’s like the plague.

And you can see the imagery in this. It is like hitting my head against a rock and it’s not even the rock’s fault! There are things I am afraid to tell him (Saturn). There are things that are hard to tell him (Saturn). But I have a responsibility (Saturn) to force (Mars) myself to persevere (Saturn) and communicate (Mercury) with him and the result of this is intense pressure if you are me…

“There just was no door,” I said. “There was no other option available and I actually didn’t act rashly if you can believe that. I tried to hang on and ride it but the situation was not tolerable to me. It was completely untenable. It made no sense, you know. I thought it was ungodly, actually. I thought it wad completely ungodly and wrong to a degree, it was breaking my mind. Have you ever broken your mind? Because that’s what was happening.”

“I know you had good reason for what you did, P. You had to do it.”

“I don’t know. I hope I had a good reason. I think I did. Should I let my mind break on this? Should I break my mind and see what happens on the other side of that? I wondered. I wondered all kinds of things because this was that bad for me. It was bad for me at a level, or a depth I have not even begun to be able to convey to you. And I need to find a way to do this, by the way. Because I did some other things back then, too. Things you don’t know about. And I don’t even want to tell you what they are, believe me.”

“I didn’t think you did anything wrong.”

“Well you don’t know everything I did, do you?”

“I don’t care what you did.”

“Well I do. Because the things I did, they’re severe. To me they are. I took drastic action and you know what that is. Drastic action is drastic. And it’s bad, right? Obviously yes, because I don’t want to tell you about it, though I know I’ll have to.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Not that you should be waiting or anything. Don’t wait. Because it’ll probably take me a year or two to get my nerve up. I’d wait ten years to tell you if I thought I could get away with it. That’s how much I don’t want you to know this stuff. Ugh.”

“You did what you had to do.”

“Whatever. Okay, let’s just say you’re right. That’s not really what I am trying to get you to understand. It doesn’t matter what I did because I already did it and it’s done. What’s important is you know why I did it.”

“Whatever you did…”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” I said. I was starting to feel frustrated. “I know it doesn’t matter what I did. I know you love me. I know you don’t care what I do or what I did… you don’t care about any of this. I know you love me, completely and big time and always.”

“Right. That’s right. You can say it again, P, because it’s the truth.”

“Okay, good. Thank you. Thanks for that, but it’s not my point. I’m not trying to confess my sins, here,” I said with a wail.

And I have to watch myself because he’s Catholic and I always want to swear. I want to say, Godd… But I try to control myself because I know it’s offensive. Consequently I trip on my tongue because if I were talking to anyone else, I would say whatever I wanted.

“Some other time, I’ll confess,” I said. “I’m going to confess in the future, okay?” My head felt pressured and tears were threatening because this is now what I wanted to talk about. Damn it…

“Okay. In the future you can tell me your sins,” he said, laughing. He had no concept of the struggle I was having, he never does.

“Well I will tell you. I’ll have to. But I’m not going to do that until I’m absolutely sure you understand enough of the situation, that what I did will make sense to you. If you really understand what was going on… if you actually understand it in a deep way, then I think you’ll see why I what I did and you won’t be as hurt.”

“Hurt? I’m not going to be hurt, P. You never hurt me. You never have and I find it hard to believe you’re going to start hurting me now.”

Ouch. I had no idea if he were right and no way to think in the moment. This is how this works when I am trying to convey something. I am conditioned to his being right though, especially when it comes to how he feels, so…

“Okay, well maybe you’re right. It would be super good if you weren’t hurt. I hope this is the case, but that is still not the point I’m trying to make. I am trying to make a different point, if I can. Have you noticed? If you don’t mind, I am trying to tell you something that you don’t already know. Try to imagine that. Can you imagine I have something else to tell you that you have not thought of and never will think of if I can’t talk to you? Christ! Do you know how hard this is? I’m trying here!”

He laughed. “I’m sorry. Go ahead, P. Make your point. I’m listening.”

“Okay,”

I took a breath and waited for the pain in my head, behind my eyes, to ease. I felt like I was going to cry, see.

“Okay. So I’m not worried about the particulars of what I did. I did what I did, it can’t be changed, so it’s not important. What’s important… what is absolutely critically and serious-to-the-bone to me, important is that I am able to communicate why I did what I did.

“Why, P? That’s what you want me to know?”

“Yes. I said I took extreme action and I did. So why did I do that? I was driven. Do you understand? I was driven and this is what you don’t know. You do not understand the depth of my motivation and you never have. You do not understand me, or this… you don’t understand any of this and I have to get you to understand because…” I stopped to think.

“Because what? Because why?’ he asked, probing.

I swooned. “Because why? Why? Well just a minute. Let me think a minute.”

“Okay, P.”

“Why?” I was stalling. I had no ready answer, why. “Well, I guess the the reason is because you deserve to know. How’s that? You deserve to know this stuff and you have deserved it for a long time. Like for you whole life, or most of it. For as long as I’ve known you which is basically your whole life.”

“I deserve it?”

“Yes. Yes, yes, and yes. And for all this time I have never been able to get this across to you. Almost thirty years and I cannot manage to get you to understand… anything. And it’s important I do. Because this stuff is yours. It is yours to know and it will help you more than you can imagine. It will move you and it belongs to you and it will be good for you, and it’s yours. But I have never been able to get this to you. I just have not. So consequently all this stuff has been kept from you. By me. And all because I have had no choice.”

“I see.”

“But is has been kept for you, as well. Also by me. And I still have it. I have every single bit of it. Your stuff, this is. The stuff that is yours…”

“I see.”

“Do you? Good. Whew! So I’m going to try to move it from me to you but it will probably take me 10 years. It will probably take the rest of my life. Don’t be surprised if it does because for one thing, there is just that much. There are virtually endless things I need to convey to you and have you understand and internalize. But besides that, it’s just so hard. Um. So what I’m saying is there is a vein in me you can tap and it rich for you beyond your wildest dream but we just have to do it. And it’s not that easy to get at, especially if you’re me. But this has got to be done. You have to trust me about that much. This has got to be accessed or else.”

“Okay, P. I understand and don’t you worry. I am sure we can do this. We’ll get it done. We will get the stuff transferred.”

::sigh::

Is there someone in your life you have to struggle to communicate with? How do you cope?

skip to Lois Rodden and Mercury in synastry…