“So anyway, P. I was never going to contact you. I just wasn’t going to do it. I hoped some day you might contact me but I didn’t expect it, that’s for sure. And I was pretty content just going along but then…”

“What?”

“Well you put up that one blog. I don’t remember what it said exactly. Something about water going down the drain. You said you were going to pull the plug, or something to that effect.”

I had quoted a Zucchero song. “Yeah, I remember. I know what I wrote.”

“And I thought, oh no! P is really in trouble this time. She’s going to kill herself!”

“Oh, brother. Boy am I sorry about that. I was not going to kill myself and I never will. I may want to die. I sure wouldn’t mind if I did but I will never kill myself. Ever. So you never have to worry about that and I’m sorry you ever did.”

“Well that’s good to know. But I sure didn’t know that back then. You scared the hell out of me. I mean, I had seen you down. You were down quite a bit during that time. You were constantly writing on your blog how bad things were but I never worried about you. I mean, I worried about you but I never thought you wouldn’t be okay.”

“I see.”

“Until you posted that one thing and I just… I just went crazy. I thought for sure… I was over here pacing. I was running around like a chicken with no head. What should I do? P is going to kill herself! I really thought this.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just telling you what happened. What drove me. Because you know those feelings you get sometimes? And they’re really intense?”

“I think so. I don’t know if I get feelings like you do.” The soldier has a Scorpio Moon conjunct Neptune in the 8th house. “I get feelings but I’m just not sure if mine are like yours. They probably aren’t.”

“Well I sure got a chill. I had a chill like you wouldn’t believe. And I can ignore this kind of thing… I often do. I ignore things all the time. But sometimes the feeling is so strong you have to wonder if you’re supposed to do something about it. Should I call her and see if she’s okay? Write her? What should I do? Because I really thought you were not okay.”

“Yeah.”

“I even thought about contacting the AMF, and asking him.”

“What?”

“Well, P, I was scared. I seriously thought you were… I thought you might be going to die. So I did think about writing him and asking him if you were okay but I decided I’d better not. Dying or not, I didn’t think you’d appreciate me going behind your back like that.”

I instantaneously felt sick to my stomach. “No, that would have been awful. Oh God, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Yeah, I figured as much. I didn’t think you’d much like that, so I didn’t do it. But I did think about it. I thought about… everything. I don’t know, P. What was I supposed to do? I really thought… you had been having a really hard time and it had gone on so long, it sounded to me like you’d gotten to the end of your rope.”

“Yeah. Well I can see that. I mean it makes sense.”

“Yep. And I was scared. What if she just can’t take anymore? What if? Because this is how that blog sounded to me. And you didn’t post after that for days. This went on for days. And I was thinking you were going down the drain. You’re going to pull the plug on everything? Because that’s what it said. Or what it sounded to me like you were saying.”

“Yeah, I get it. It did say that.”

“Well that’s what I thought I was reading. So now you’re going to die and what am I supposed to do? Just sit here? Am I supposed to just let you go down the drain? Because I knew if you were really in trouble… well I was pretty sure I would be able to help you. You know. I could pull you up from wherever you were at. I do it, or I’d die trying. But you know. You stay pretty up by yourself. So I figured if someone would just reach out to you…. if someone just helped you a little, it would work out. Things would be better and you wouldn’t have to kill yourself. See what I mean? I thought all this stuff as I paced all over the place. I was freaked out, believe me. I was beside myself. I just couldn’t get the feelings to go away. I was scared as hell. I seriously thought you were dying over there.”

“Jeez, I am so sorry. I really… I can see how that could have been interpreted and I was struggling. I was definitely up a creek, but I sure never meant to put anyone through something like this.”

“No problem. It’s not your fault. Sometimes things like this just happen. And in the end I just had to write you. I just had to take a chance and send you that mail. I just had no choice. I mean, if you were to kill yourself and there is something I could have done to prevent it… well I just decided to email you and that’s all there is to it. I had to act. I just had to let you know there was someone out there who cared about and it was a hard as hell, believe me. You couldn’t imagine how I felt, when I hit send. I’ll never forget it. I will never forget how I felt when I sent that to you for as long as I live.”

skip to “Beware the Mail”

Do you ever have feelings or premonitions so strong you’re forced to act on them?