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20 Year Old Man Loses His Gay Lover of Five Years To A Woman Who Is Pregnant: Pluto Transit
Dear Elsa,
Five years ago, I began sleeping with a male friend of mine. We were both fifteen. I began to develop feelings for him even though I kept quiet about them. We never lost contact and then two years ago, I managed to tell him I loved him. I was dreading this but he was fine with it, hinting he’d already known of my feelings.
I went to see him the following weekend to talk things through, and although we slept with one another, we didn’t talk about the ‘love thing’. Not because it was uncomfortable, just because didn’t seem necessary. We got on really well, and although I told all my female friends I was gay, I never actually turned around and confirmed it to him. I know maybe you’re thinking, well, Duh. He must have known that, but we never looked at sex as ‘gay’!
Then in June this year, I found out through someone else he had a girlfriend. He initially denied it until I found a way to get him to be honest and when he confirmed it, I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, sleep. I lost three stone in weight. Don’t get me wrong, he tried to make room for me and her in the end, but I wouldn’t stand for it.
Now, the girlfriend’s pregnant. She met him in May, and found out she was expecting in August. Through the lies he told, and because I felt so humiliated, I outed both of us. I told everyone the truth about me and him because I suppose at this time I was so mixed up. He denies it but everyone knows me as being honest, and I feel the only ones that doubt our relationship are his girlfriend and his family. I think her family believes me.
I know both of us have let one another down badly, but I’m starting to miss him. We haven’t spoke properly since August, but what are a few months of being disappointed and angry when you’ve been best friends for five years? Do you to think that, in the fullness of time, we’ll speak again, and get the answers we both need from one another?
Thank you so very much,
Young Man In Turmoil
Scotland
Dear Young Man,
I don’t know if you will have contact with this man again or not, but I’ll give you my read on this - which may shift something in you and allow you to progress.
First, your friend and ex-lover has Pluto transiting his Sun and I can tell you for sure, he is in an intense process. It sounds as if he is trying to renounce his gayness which I can’t imagine will work; however he is well within his rights to try. And gay or otherwise, he now has a responsibility to a child.
Point is that he’s busy. And I imagine he is going to be busy awhile. And as for him coming back to you in any form, I think you are in considerable denial about what you’ve done to this man. I see you justifying your behavior and your betrayal of him. You were humiliated so you outed this guy? To the world?
I’m sorry but that is intense. And if he never forgives or speaks to you again… well I wouldn’t blame him.
And this is not to excuse what he did to you. I am just saying, when you cut someone the way you did him, you really can’t expect them to bounce back and expose their throat so you can go ’round again. So it may be this is your very hard, very painful lesson and if not?
Well the way I read this, authentic change would only be possible if you were to become aware of how self-centered you are. Because it seems you think this whole thing is about you. And this is erroneous, of course.
There is a woman here who is pregnant and apparently due any minute. Do you know how hard it is to have a baby? I do. Never mind when the father of your baby is gay and you’re both in denial. And her mother must be having a good time, hmm? That woman having the baby is her baby and she knows. She knows her daughter is up a creek and I hope you can see what I am getting at here.
There are a lot of lives in crisis right now and all you seem concerned with is having access to this man you say you love… which is something I would question. Because how do you love someone and do what you did to this man? I’m sorry but this does not compute.
I say take some time to think about this and feel it deeply. See if you can come up with some compassion for someone besides yourself. And if you can manage this, I think you will see that what you did was not justified and a profound apology is in order.
If you get that far… if you can offer this man your sincere apology, at that point I would suggest you fall back. Way back. Because this man has a new baby. And he obviously has copious amounts of things to sort through, and the astrology?
Pluto will not be clear his Sun until the end of 2008. So he’s going to be burning and boiling alive an a daily basis between now and then. And the moral of this story?
Don’t betray your friends.
Good luck.
UPDATE…. This guy wrote back in Oct, 2007. Click here to read an update.
~~
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3 Responses to “20 Year Old Man Loses His Gay Lover of Five Years To A Woman Who Is Pregnant: Pluto Transit”
Ouch. You’ve heaped some unpleasant lessons on your plate. Elsa and Patrick have some great advice here. First love can be a really hard experience.
I know you’re hurting right now so I’m going to take a step back and give you a look at things from a different angle. You know that you made a mistake in outing your friend, so there’s little point in beating you up about that. Rather, each of you played your part in things and your task is to learn to accept responsibility for the part you played and learn from that. We all make mistakes.
I’ll disagree with Elsa on this point — this really IS all about you. Its about deciding the kind of person you are, the person you want to become, what you want in your life, what love means to you, what you want out of relationships. On one hand, do you want to be the kind of person who retaliates against people you claim to love just because you’re hurt? At the same time, do you want to be the kind of person who’ll be satisfied with being a third wheel?
My point is this — yes, you made a bad choice and at the same time, you were forced to make a good choice too. I know you miss him and I think that’s natural. At the same time, your friend will never be able to fulfill what you want from him and you realized that. I know you think you need answers from him, but from my own first love experiences, I came to realize that the answers I thought I needed were really beside the point. Maybe he’ll come back, maybe he won’t.
As much as it hurts and as much as you wish he were still in your life, try to remember the bigger picture. Life keeps on moving and you’ll have many chances to create your life, and yourself. Just keep swimming.
Patrick, Marc -if you turned on email, there is an update to this here:
http://www.elsaelsa.com/archives/2007/10/09/open-question-and-update-20-year-old-man-loses-his-gay-lover-of-five-years-to-a-woman-who-is-pregnant-pluto-transit/
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Wow… that is a harsh response, but, true.
It is a hard lesson to learn so early in the prime of your life.
Listen to the advice given here, because it does ring true.
I would like to add this much… as much as you thought you were in love with this man, you may wish to consider that you were actually only in lust with this man. The love may have been emitted by you, but there was no love returned. However, the male sexual urge was quite strong in both of you. Love for another man was not in his nature… but sex was, although he used you to explore his natural curiosity. But, lets face it, he ended up with a woman, and impregnated her. It is a common tale. Not to say that he is straight or bi or gay… but it is very often the case for men at this age to explore other possibilities before taking the hetero plunge. To sow their wild oats, as they say?
It may be hard to accept that he is with a woman now and a child on the way. I bet the sex you two had was very hot and you thought that there would be no way that he would ever want to leave you for anyone after the pleasure and ecstasy that you caused him to experience. Straight men are fickle like that. Get used to it. Lesson 1. Congratulations… you passed!
You are both very young… and as for you, I sympathize… and to say you are selfish… perhaps, but you only have one heart. I felt the same way once. Defend your heart with all you have. Selfish… yes… but there is nothing horribly wrong with that…. your intentions were not to hurt him so much, but to let him know how much he hurt you.
Mourn your loss… take some time to heal, and you will be better in time… months, years even. Give yourself as much time as needed until you can proceed with dating/sex again, and before you know it, you will be back to normal. Learn not to give all of your heart to someone so easily, and protect your heart until you know the conditions are right to give it fully. At this point, you will remember not to trust so easily… but the key is to trust, but not so much that you would bet your life on their love for you.
Do not waste time dwelling on what once was. And do not loose faith that you will share yourself with someone who will love you the same way as you love them forever…. or at least until you both part ways amicably. Hey, it happens… not all love is forever. Really. Some people change over time and you/they may fall out of love with one another. Or not…
Or, learn how to control your heart so that you have the ability to turn your love on or off depending on the recipient’s desires. For example, if you fall for another “straight but willing” guy, then show him your love during intimacy, but learn how to turn your heart off after. This may actually help you to maintain a healthy sex life with the straight man of your dreams. Straight men will run from any gay man when they hear the L word. Control your heart= maintain a happy sex life with Mr. Straight guy.
Those are some things you may or may not experience as you mature throughout your twenties and thirties.
Have fun, be careful, and get a good support system to back you up or catch you when you fall. I dont suggest toughening up so much that you catch yourself from falling every time… this just makes you callous and bitter as time goes on… not a good thing. Get some good friends who will be there for you when things like this happen… they will really help to ease the pain you may go through.
The good news is that you will never ever ever cry as much in your life ever again as you have over this one guy.