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They Were Lovers, Now They’re Friends: Scorpio Woman, Gemini Man
Dear Elsa,
I met a man in Canada in 2003. We were intimate for about 2 years and then shifted to a friendship. We remain friends - but my feelings are still there, and I can’t let go of him completely.
I am in no rush to meet anyone but when I go on dates with other men, I am not completely attentive to them. My ex is also seeing other women but has not met anyone seriously. He is very much into my kids as well as me sort of like a family now, and I see that he cares about us. He tells me that he loves me but is not in love with me. He thinks I am attractive etc., but he never wants to talk seriously about a relationship.
I don’t push this issue anymore. I let it go and pretend that it’s okay. In other words, I hide my feelings and go on with my life hoping things will get better down the road for both of us, whether we are together or not.
I really love him unconditionally and I am open about expressing myself. He is very secretive sometimes, and has a hard time making up his mind - for example, whether to buy a car or a house or move out, or to get married, etc. Not that I want to marry him but it would be nice to live with him. He has a great job but still lives at home. It’s not because he lacks the resources to move. He says he lives at home because it is the Italian tradition.
Is there any hope to our future?
Ex-Lover
Iran
Dear Lover,
You can have a future with this man but I doubt it will be significantly different than what you already have, which is nowhere near enough to be fulfilling for you. I am sorry, but I just don’t think this man is going to move - and it’s not because he can’t decide, and it’s not because he’s Italian!
As far as making decisions goes, I don’t see him having any problem in this regard. He is choosing to be with his mother, right? He is.
And as for being Italian… I’m Italian and I can tell you it will be a cold day in hell that my son lives with me when he’s forty years old! So this guy is right where he wants to be. He’s with his mom and I would imagine this is his primary relationship. So you can see where that leaves you, right? It leaves you in a state of wanting and deprivation which is okay, because it’s curable! If you wish to cure it, that is.
So do you want out? You have hard aspects from Saturn and so you won’t get out of this without a fight. So on the chance you want to do that, now or later, here’s how:
First, accept reality. This guy is broken as far as being a woman’s man goes. Unless you’re his mother, that is. If you’re Mom, then you’re in.
Understanding that, accept the fact this man has put a hook deep in you… not that you didn’t help! But his hook is in deep because he’s engaged your children. And consequently your family is now attached and dependent on him to a degree.
And if you want out, you’re going to have to get very pissed off and dig that hook out. You’re going to have to decide you want to be free! No hooks from men who don’t/won’t/can’t deliver. And if you take this route (and I recommend you do), once you get free… stay that way for awhile. You know why?
Because if you don’t take some time to heal, you’re going to go right back out there and find a man just like him. So to avoid this, you are going to have to work through your deep emotion. And it is DEEEEEP.
And I realize this is not an easy path. However it is the only one that will eventually lead to a relationship that will satisfy. And it doesn’t mean you can’t love him “unconditionally” (sounds like mom). Just get that hook out so you don’t spend your life dangling. Because when you’re dealing with a 40-year-old man (or woman), what you see is pretty much what you get.
Good luck.
~~
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6 Responses to “They Were Lovers, Now They’re Friends: Scorpio Woman, Gemini Man”
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>I’m Italian
You’re italian? you mean you’ve spent considerable time there, you are fluent in the language?
No, I am American… Italian in my blood. And I know about family clans… which occur in all cultures, actually.
I think he enjoys you being around for his own emotional security but he’s very obviously chosen his personal priorities and they don’t seem to include you and likely never will. Sorry.
I have broken up with him on a few occasions and we turned around, me because I really didn’t want to lose him. It’s very obvious that we don’t want to hurt one another. What happened after 3 months we met, his Uranus turned to 7th house, so I don’t know that has something to do with his commitment issue. He just doesn’t want to hurt anyone here including his mother……he is the only functional and successful son in his family (he has a disable brother). Mom and gossips with her in-law’s children married with kids and so called having “normal” life. ….so I told him to move on find someone else to make you happy and your mom lol but at the same time he comes around and treats my kids like he is the Dad. It seems like he has this attachment already with us that can’t let go. On many occasion he came to be with the kids not me. I just think he has fear of attachment. I am fixed minded person but I am not ready to shot him off completely and certainly do not want to fight with him. One big thing I did not mention previously that and please don’t punish me for it….. I have not yet met the parents…..he comes to our place. He doesn’t stay over night. Sounds like I am a fool eh??? Lol! There are lot of changes have happened to me as well. I am very busy with my kids now that time flies and I can’t provide full time partner to anyone, at least not for now since my kids are 6 and 8. So what I am trying to say that the time we spend with one another works out for both of us. Another different item is that I left my family when I was 17 and lived by myself in US for 25 years and now in Canada for about 8 years I am very rebellious, independent in compare to him and he sure is not “Marcello Mastrojanni” why do I love him?
I do know that when he is around he makes me laugh and sense of humour is definitely there and of course the comfort zone (I don’t nag) (home away from home) and he is gone to unknown when it’s too crowded for him to handle (Gemini with Pisces moon). There is more…..
You sound like you’re making excuses for the relationship. If you’re truly happy this way - more power to you. Just a thought but maybe you should “practice dating”. Promise to yourself that you’ll date a BUNCH of men and BE IN THE MOMENT in each of these dates. You may surprise yourself as to what’s out there. Again, only if you’re truly not happy with the limits of Gemini guy. To be honest, imo, it sounds like you’re building him up in your own mind. There are no guarantees in life … do you wish to spend what moments you MAY have left without a true reciprocation of passion and instead on a human “project”?
As you said there is no guarantees in life….with any men??? I am 46, and I have my share of dating in life…I would said I’ve been there and done that….it surprises me that I used to be called heart-braker in the past so it not that I have been in one man thru out my life.If you read my original message I mentioned that I am dating other men but I can’t fully attend to them. As Elsa define my case as a “hook”…is what I see , I am hooked, this man no matter what is his situation he got me under his skin, and it got me good lol. Oh by the way he was here tonight and just being around him makes me feel toxicated.