The soldier woke up one day in our apartment. I was sitting on the bed. We were both teenagers. 17 and 19. He looks at the clock and he’s late.

“Els! It’s 6:07! What are you doing!” He was panicked. “Why didn’t you wake me up! Look at the time.”

“Oh. Well you looked so tired,” I said, all sweet and loving. “You looked too tired to wake up. I don’t think you should go to work today. You’re just too tired for that.”

“What! What are you talking about!?!” He was incredulous.

“Yeah, you’re tired. Hey! Why don’t you just call in sick? Why don’t you? You don’t look like you got enough sleep to me. I say, call ‘em and let’s just stay home and lay in bed all day so you can get some rest. The phone’s right there,” I said, brightly.

He was up out of bed getting dressed. He was flingin’ clothes. Something about “formation” or maybe a “bugle”. I was grinning.

“Are you kidding me? Are you out of your mind? Call who? The Military? Hello, Military? Is this you! I’m tired. I’m not coming in today!”

He stopped and turned to look at me. “Are you crazy? You don’t call in sick to the military! They’ll put your ass in jail!” he yelled, before turning back to frantically look for his second shoe. “Where’s my socks! Els, get me some socks!”

I put the socks in his hand.

“Jail? Oh come on. Don’t you think that sounds a little extreme? Call in sick one day and you go to jail? I find that hard to believe. So do you want some pancakes? I asked.

“Pancakes?” He was truly in shock.

“Yeah. If you’re going to work tired, you definitely better eat. But it would be even better if you just called in sick…”

“I can’t call in sick, Els! Bye! Love you,” he said as he ran out the door with one shoe in his hand.

I laughed my ass off.

He made it in with like a minute to spare. He had to put his shoe on at a stoplight on his motorcycle. And to this day, he thinks I was serious. Yeah. He’s gone around for 25 years telling this story about his idiot civilian girlfriend who told him to call in sick to the military.

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