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21 Year Old Loves Her Dad, Has Struggled For 6 Years To Get Along With Stepmother
Dear Elsa,
My dad remarried for the 5th time when I was 14. Instantly his wife placed herself, like a wall, between my father and I. For example: if I’d go visit my father for the weekend, it was always “family time” or “her son and my father time”. I wasn’t allowed to spend time with just my dad. That made me really resent her. Gradually I stopped visiting at all.
Earlier this year (I was 20), I finally got a chance to spend time with my dad. He’s a truck driver and he picked me up on one of his runs. My daughter and I went with him on the truck. By the second day on the truck with him, my step mother was already complaining because - according to her - he spends more time with me than her youngest son. She had a big, yelling, hissy fit over the fact I got to be with my dad alone for the first time in 6 years.
Anyway, with age I grew proverbial balls. Over the weekend we were at his house, and I stood up for myself. I was very crisp and rude when it came to her trying to control my daughter, because I was sick and tired of her attitude, I couldn’t take it anymore. Anyway it didn’t matter to her, she still disrespected my authority over my own daughter, and was very controlling the whole visit.
The morning we left on the truck with my dad; it was early. It was pick up and go; at 5am, he’d be dropping us home. Dad and his wife were screaming at each other, arguing like hell over something or other (they fight all the time). Out of the blue she yelled, “AND THAT LITTLE BITCH COULDN’T SAY GOODBYE!?” Was I supposed to interrupt them to say it? I fully intended to (because I am still a shy, polite person in the long run), but I couldn’t have gotten a word in if I wanted to. I was waiting for a break in the conversation.
For the rest of that day, she called every 1/2 hr to an hour complaining because I didn’t say goodbye to her. Anyway - obviously I made it back home, and promptly cried my eyes out because I didn’t want the time to end with my dad. I swore to myself that I’d ask again next year to go visit him again, if I am able.
I really would like to know some tips, anything that you can think of that can help me to stop breaking down like a five yr old when it comes to my dad. I’m grown up now; it is time to move on. I don’t know what to do to finally get over the pain I feel when it comes to my father and his wife. I’m ready to move on from the pain. I couldn’t even type this out without crying. HELP!
An Ex Daddy’s Girl
United States
Dear Girl,
Your stepmother sounds hideous and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Your question is good one and I do have some ideas. First, give yourself some credit. You sound pretty healthy to me, in spite of how traumatic these last six years have been for you and I think you ought to be proud.
And on your pain, I hate to further rush your growing up, but the fact is you have a very difficult chart. I do think it will help if you understand things now that most people don’t have to grasp until they are closer to 30. So please forgive me for further ruining your childhood by smashing your illusions, but I really can’t see any other way to ease this for you.
See, the real way to fix this is rewind it back to when you were 14 and have it not play this way, but that’s not possible. You can only go forward, so… the main way you can feel better is to detach from your father some. And I don’t mean, love him less. I just want you to try to see him (at least momentarily) less as “Daddy” and more as a human being, with flaws and limitations. Because this is what he is.
For example, your Dad needs a wife. He can’t do without one; he has been married five times! Which means he has been divorced four times, which must mean he’s not perfect! So this woman, though she may be a banshee, is in your father’s life because he can’t do without her . And this makes it a marriage between two flawed human beings, which is the case in all marriages.
Now if you can look at it this way (and eventually you will), you can begin to move away from your 14-year-old-girl hurt feelings and towards the more mature, 30-year-old woman’s perspective that lies in your future. Seeing and accepting your father as a flawed human being and his wife as another flawed human being changes everything and this will bring relief.
This is not to say you should not be crying and mourning your loss, because there has been an authentic loss. But you asked for a trick, so there it is. Your father’s wife is hurting your 14 year old self… still. At 30, she will have no such power. So as soon as you’re ready, take the leap. Hit “hyperspace” and you will never again have to feel the way you did when you wrote this letter.
Good luck.
~~
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Hoo boy, this one sure did hit home for me.
Ex-daddy’s girl, I have been in your shoes. I can tell you it still hurts in your 30s, but as Elsa says, you do have the benefit of distance and perspective. I began to see that my dad was also missing out. And I realized that he made the choice to be with her, rather than to stand up to her to claim his relationship with me. That hurt. But eventually, the situation became less a reflection on me and simply a sad state of affairs with my dad. He’s trapped, and I miss him. But he made his bed and he has chosen to lie in it.
-Another ex-daddy’s girl whose daddy married a banshee!
I had a more subtle banshee. She guilt-tripped my father out of every father-daughter activity we did together, and I resented her until I was about 30, which happens to be when I started therapy.
Now I have accepted (doesn’t mean I have to like it) that SHE is controlling and HE is letting her. It’s out of my hands.
Excellent advice. The pain never totally disappears but it becomes controllable, livable, tolerable. Accepting that your parents are flawed humans helps you accept your own flaws - another 30’s realization.
I think you’re doing amazingly well and should continue to have a relationship, just accept that it’s not going to be the same as it was when you were young. A painful process nonetheless.
Good Luck!!!
sorry to hear about your difficult time, daughter.
just a couple of words, for whatever they’re worth - while you’re right that your stepmother “shouldn’t” be a bitch, fact is, she is. while she “shouldn’t” do and say mean things, she does.
the more you can detach from her and her crap, the happier you will be. if i were you, i’d make every effort to contact and maintain a relationship with your father however you can, and minimize the amount of time you spend with her.
and while you certainly can get angry and upset with her behavior, that does nothing but lets her continue to run the show. she is, after all, your dad’s problem, in every sense of the word. she’s his cross to bear, not yours. and while she drives some of his behavior no doubt, he is the one choosing the road he’s chosen. meaning he’s deciding to let her run his life. it’s not the big, bad witch who does everything and things would be perfect without her. i’ve made that mistake before.
the more you can detach from her behavior, the better. forget if what she does or says is “right.” forget “standing up for yourself.” none of that crap matters for much anyway. see your dad when you can, how you can, and accept that he obviously has some issues to be where he is and as painful as it can sometimes be for you, it’s got to suck way worse to be him.
besides, even if you did want to show her up, there’s not a better way in the world to do that than to be happy and whole, regardless.
peace out to you.
THis is an old post but I bummed into it, and wanted to add that I was in a similar boat about my emotional gap with my dad. He looked like a great guy, I idolized him. But my mom was controlling and getting in the way of me and my dad having any kind of emotional connection. But just this past week I confronted my dad about his behaviour and finaly realized that he is just another flawed human being, who only can connect in a certain way and doesnt stand up to my mom.It was deeply saddening and a little liberating to know it really isnt my fault for the way things are. But in the same sense, I can’t go back to being a kid, and placing my love for my parents in never-never land. Good luck if you read this,
I hope it makes you feel less alone in what you are going through,
Best
Elena