What Do You Do When Someone You Love Is Besieged and Must Struggle and Suffer… As A Fact Of Their Life?

11 Responses to “What Do You Do When Someone You Love Is Besieged and Must Struggle and Suffer… As A Fact Of Their Life?”

1. Marc says on 1/4/07 at 1:21 pm:
   

   Well, aside from my own challenging life, I’ve had a couple of close friends who seem to have been dealt a VERY bad hand in life. Of course, I do my best to give them what support I can, maybe help them find ways to stop feeding into the patterns that are supporting those situations. That said, everybody walks their own path. I wouldn’t live their lives and at the same time, I wouldn’t expect anyone to walk the path I’ve chosen for myself, either.

2. lovlylife says on 1/4/07 at 1:37 pm:
   

   I just am there for them to bitch at and to be positive for them. There isnt much else you can do.

3. Cassi says on 1/4/07 at 1:39 pm:
   

   my mom. i love her and try my best (which i fail at often) not to judge her.

4. Marly says on 1/4/07 at 2:04 pm:
   

   I listen to them, I encourage them to keep strong, and I cook for them. Cancer rising, Pisces Moon, Leo Sun.

5. Jennifer says on 1/4/07 at 2:54 pm:
   

   I AM that person. My family has been through 9 years of hell and no end is in sight. Yes, you get used to it, because there’s nothing else out there to do. What CAN you do? Go crazy and end up in a straitjacket? Curl up in a ball and cry forever? Kill yourself? Take up drinking/drugs? None of that’s a really feasible option and who’s to say any of that would end the hell anyway? Ergo…you just go on. You learn how to deal with no hope and everything getting worse, for the forseeable and unforseeable future, because you don’t really get any other option.

   I got a shrink, and I’ve learned to NOT lean on my friends too much. This sounds awful to say, but I’ve learned the hard way that depending on your friends too much to hold you up only means that you will drive them away. Even the most steadfast friends are going to burn out on your drama- and unlike you, they are not stuck with it, so they can leave. And they will if you become too hard of a burden to deal with.

   Someone e-mailed me yesterday to say, “But why can’t you believe that there’s hope out there and things will get better?” To which I said, “NINE YEARS of things not getting better, that’s why.” If I started believing in hope and an end to the situation, I’d only be more messed up than I am now. I had to learn to live without hope and an ending- and I have.

   That’s how you deal.

6. kashmiri says on 1/4/07 at 7:26 pm:
   

   I have been that person, too. I went through my own decade long hell of addiction, multiple deaths of people I loved with heart and soul, accidents, random acts of violence committed against me by strangers, legal shit, financial ruin and any other familial and work-related nonsense until one day I thought: fuck! My life is NONSENSE! Like, this shit is bananas! It’s comedy! And comedy’s roots are in TRAGEDY.

   I don’t know why, but I can’t remember ever thinking that things would never change. Because they do. I have often thought, things are going to change whether I like it or not, and life may have morphed from an addiction battle to a legal battle, but the fact remains: I am engaged in battle and what this means, I will never know. But for myself, I suspect my battle is a small microcosmic representation of a larger cosmic whole. Bullshit? Who knows? All I know is that this outlook has kept my optimism ridiculously high against all odds.

   I am happier than I have been in years. I don’t know why. I have no reason to be, right? But I do. Every night that I spend with someone I love just eating in a comfy warm room with nice tunes and a bottle of beer, talking, I think: Once, I would have never thought this possible.

   I am not trying to undermine anyone else’s experience, but I have been shown limitless amounts of kindness from people who have far less than me and have suffered far more than me, who are still suffering in ways I have recovered from, and I feel I am squandering the love that is within me –and the love I have been given–if I fall into despair.

   Change will happen whether or not you want it,or are conscious of it. Personally, I want to participate in it. You can’t physically changeyour life circumstances? Well you can always change your feelings. It is actually the only thing we have true agency on: how we perceive something. There ain’t nothing anyone can say to make me think otherwise.

7. SaDiablo says on 1/4/07 at 7:47 pm:
   

   (Sorry about the length. I got on a tangent.)

   Right now a long-time friend of mine is going through a rough patch with her marriage and it’s really hard for me to know what to do since she’s on the other side of the continent. So I offer what I can: all the love and warm fuzzies I can send. Advice if she wants it, a sympathetic ear if she doesn’t. And always, always, always, unconditional support. (After all, it’s her life, and what I consider a good decision may not jibe. It’s more important for me to say, “I’m behind you if this is what you want.” than, “I would choose x, and since you’re choosing y I can’t support you.”)
   And, really, that’s not so different than what I offer FTF, except I can be much more of a distraction in person.

   MARLY, I’m curious about something here. . . Do you ever try to “play the fool” to lift someone’s spirits? I find myself doing this sometimes if someone seems to be dwelling on an issue/problem with no relief - you know, to help them blow off steam for a bit. Just wondering, since I also have a Leo sun with Cancer rising (Aquarius moon, though). I was thinking it could be a Leo thing, make a big spectacle out of having fun so as to chase the boogeties away.

8. Marly says on 1/5/07 at 12:09 pm:
   

   What you said is so beautiful, kashmiri.

9. Marly says on 1/5/07 at 12:14 pm:
   

   Yes, SaDiablo, I totally do play the fool, sometimes without even being aware that someone is sad!! My mother used to call my sister and me her “little clowns”! And I can be very funny although my sister used to be ten times funnier than I. As a Leo, though, I have to feel comfortable with someone in order to play the fool, like when people first meet me they think that I’m very poised and lady-like(ha!). Well, unless that person is a child, in which case I am silly right away. Thank you for reminding me of this.

10. SaDiablo says on 1/6/07 at 3:27 pm:
    

    You’re welcome, Marly! And thank you.
    I can definitely relate to needing to know someone before you’re silly around them. After, all, you have to maintain grace before “the public!”

11. kashmiri says on 1/8/07 at 8:51 pm:
    

    Ta, Marly. I too enjoy reading your words and thoughts.

    Peace to you!
    Kashmiri

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