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She’s In Love With a Gay Man: Sun, Mercury and Venus in Cancer
Greetings,
I have found myself in love with my gay friend. We have been friends for the past five years and about a year ago, I told him that I knew he was gay. He was devastated as he said he wanted to tell me on his own, as he had another agenda. You see, he too had fallen in love with me, but I did not know that. We spoke and I felt better after we did; however, he on the other hand was devastated
It is going to be two years since all this happened but lately I found myself falling for him. You see, he closed the door when I told him I knew and he just felt he had blew it. He said that he has been fighting a demon in him for years and when he realized how he felt towards me, he thought that was it. I loved him then but now I have fallen for him.
Everyone who knows us thinks we are a couple, as he is on the down low. We are complemented very well, we act like a married couple, he treats me like I’m his queen, he caters to my every needs and is there for me whenever. I believe he is my soul mate but now the shoe is on the other foot I don’t know what to do. We have discussed it but he keeps going in circles with the answers. I know he loves me a lot but he too is scared, as he has been hurt in the past.
He says he thinks it best not to ruin a great friendship, then he does the sweetest things. For instance, we recently stayed on the phone from 12:30 am to 5:30 am talking; when asked why did he stayed up so long with me as he is not a phone person, his response was because I love you and care for you. He even told his mom about I am the one he will grow old with but now that I am showing a little more interest in him, he is pushing me away. I am confused. Should I just let it takes it course and just enjoy what we have now. I am really confused, as I believe he is my soul mate.
Confused Lady
Dear Confused,
I can see why you are confused. He is not offering you any clarity but I will. This man is gay. He may very well love you and in fact, I am sure he does but he is still gay. And if you love him you will accept this completely.
And the worst thing you can possibly do to a gay man is expect him to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I am sorry, but the idea is absolutely ludicrous. Just stop and think about it. Think about a gay man lying in bed with a woman night after night after night. Talk about a living hell. He wants a man, not a woman. But this does not mean he does not want a friend.
And it does not mean he does not suffer angst around his sexual preference, because obviously he does. And as his friend, you could be helping him with this. You could be telling him you love him the way he is and always will. You could be telling him that you want him to be happy and you know that only a man can ever give him what he needs. And you could be supporting him as he fumbles around out there, letting him know you will always pick up the phone if he needs you. You have a stellium in Cancer! Nurture him for chrissakes! Give him some of the unconditional mother love you have reams of.
And meanwhile, with your friend on the right track, you could go look for a non-gay man. One that isn’t homophobic, okay! Because you have a gay pal! And after this, life goes on, everyone evolves and with a little bit of luck, nature takes its course and you and your friend both wind up happy, satisfied and friends for life.
Good luck.
~~
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I’ve been on the reverse side of the coin. I’m the gay one. 30 years later, we still love each other as madly, deeply, totally. It’s palpable. There is a bond between us that will NEVER be broken. We were together two years. But I always wanted a woman, not a man. I left. It was the right thing to do. As I said: but the love between us was real, and solid, and it is still there today. Btw, it takes more than just love to make a relationship work. ‘Soulmates’ is a nice idea, but there are also ‘practical, earthly considerations’. *Reality*.
Best wishes. Elsa’s advice is bang on.
Oh I agree with strawberry field. My soulmate/best friend is also gay and we’ve been together for about three years now. All the things you said are eerily similar with the couple thing and all… We talk just like you do…can’t see us not ever being together…but I respect him and his choices. It also helps that he’s a double gemini libra sun and I’m double aquarius…=)
To do anything less would be devastating to him and I. Continue to be there for each other. It’s nice to have someone to tell everything to, someone that you love and trust deeply who you know always will be there for you isn’t it? We know that we have a certain kind of love, that doesn’t involve sex =D, but is almost something spiritual. At least you both have that emotional support/connection that’ll last a life time. And if you and him are anything like me and my best friend, I’m sure things will work out in the end. I suggest you talk to him about these things, a real one on one. That way you both can know what is going on with the other and leaves little room for miscommunication and growth. The same thing has happened between my best friend and I. I truly know what you’re going through. Only so much I can say in a comment =) But good luck.
Oh sorry, I typed my comments in a notepad, then I transfer it to the real comment box in case the submit button messed up and lost the information. But this is what I intentionally meant to say before abruptly hitting the Submit comment button:
I don’t think you are in love with him. I think you are in love with the gentlemen-ly things he does.
And that’s what he is: a man who does chiverous polite considerate, thoughtful things for you, makes you feel special as if you are “the one.” But he is also a man who prefers a man.
Best of luck!!!!
Well, these people obviously have more experience than I do; however, I firmly believe you shouldn’t give up…at least, I think you shouldn’t encourage him to find a man with the way you said he feels about his sexuality. People who are “fighting their demons” should by all means be encouraged by those they love the most to keep fighting, not to give in because the world thinks they’re hopelessly gay. And doing that may or may not help him decide if he truly wants you.
I think the image of the two of you in bed day after day is a good thing to talk about him with. It could be that he has fallen for you, body and soul. But it could also be that he has fallen for the idea of you, in the same way many women fall for gay men.
For yourself, I would say (if you’re religious) pray about it. If you aren’t religious, I’d say for you to ask yourself it he’s someone you would wait for, whether it be 5 months, or 5 years. I’d even go as far as asking him if he wants you to wait for him to figure things out, or to go ahead and date others.
No matter what you decide, just decide to DO something. Because nothing happens when nothing is done. You know?
Good Luck.
oh my I know the confusion. I had one of these relationships, but we never talked about anything. He tried to talk to me but I would not let him. I did not know at that pt that I was in love w/ him. We had a jerry springer ending. It was 8 yrs ago and I still think about him. I have not been close to anyone since. A couple months ago it crossed my mind how painful this must have been for him also. It is like I did not accept him as he is. Everyone thought he used me but I know how close we were and still are spiritually. Our relationship was not of this earth. We both moved away and have now returned to were we are from. I have yet to run in to him. I have tried but everytime I go to where he works he is no ;onger working there. I need closure. The other odd thing that always seems to happen is whenever I am talking about him or communicating w/ a 2nd party about him something on happens. Last time w/ a couple friends a dry erase broad fell off the wall behind me. Just now a shelve in my house fell off the wall. What the f…… I know when you let someone go they will return. I have never let this ago…b/c things fall off the wall so I feel like I have no understanding of our relationship. When I first met him, everyone told me to stay away from him. When I have chatted w/ intutitives 80% tell me to stay away. I have a friend who is one and whenever we chat about him she trys to get a reading on him and she says he will not let her….. any thoughts please!
I’m a 30 year old married woman who is in love with her best friend, a gay fella of just 17. I’ve been in love with him longer than I care to admit. He and my husband (of 2 and a 1/2 years) both know how I feel. There’s heartbreak all around the situation. All anyone can do, is be as supportive to their friend as possible. It is hard to come to terms with a loved-one being gay, especially if they are your soul mate and you wish you could have married him (or her). No amount of love can alter a person’s sexuality. If it could, my sweetheart would be as straight as they come.
what does this all mean?….i am sitting here trying to clarify my situation reading about how you should be happy for the person that is gay and you should respect them and you should just be there friend, but how do you do that? I am trying and i find it impossible. In the back of my mind, even though i know he looks at a man, i feel like maybe he will one day look at me the way he has in the past before i confronted the situation. i feel that i can flirt and hug and kiss him and that it means something for him and that one day something will happen…but when is that one day going to come true?
How can you be friends with someone you are in love with? it is impossible, and especially when they treat you like the sun moon and stars rise and set in your eyes, you are blinded to the fact of what you call “reality”! at this point reality seems so far gone, this is the most unimaginable situation, to have a man that loves you but a man that dosent want you and you know never will, how do you remain friends like that?
it’s refreshing to read your situations, and know how similar they can be and that im not alone. im also in love with my best friend who claims to be gay, and has been for a long time. we are so close, and have a relationship that goes beyond and deeper than anything i have ever experienced. it breaks my heart to be in love with him the way that i am and spend as much time with him as i do, and not be able to actually be with him in the whole, and to know that he doesn’t want me that way but that he does love me. it also breaks my heart to think that there is a chance that we could move on with our lives, and then never find something as special as we have with anyone else again. we have never been physically involved. im afraid that it could be a huge mistake if we did, and i don’t think he is physically attracted to me anyway. we walk a fine line, as not to threaten our friendship. we have moments, that never really take, what seems to be, the next step. it seems natural, but then nothing ever happens. i’m confused. i think he is confused, or is pretending that everything is normal and convincing himself of it. it feels obvious to me and to most everyone we know that there is something going on between us that is big… and undefinable. neither of us are in relationship, or have been for a while. i am lost. i dont’ know what to do anymore. i’m trying to enjoy our amazing friendship and not let my feelings get in the way. i dont wnat to make him uncomfortable. we’ve briefly tried to talk about it, but things got weird pretty fast, and he seemed to back away from me. it is very fragile. i don’t know what to do. “stranger in the night says” ” how do you remain friends like that?” i would like to know the same thing. how do you deal with being in love with your best friend, and you know that you can never have him? how do you move on from that? i need advice please….
Wow, these stories have definitely struck a chord with me! I was sitting here, wallowing in pointless daydreams about the beautiful gay man I absolutely adore; fervently Googling to find something to which I can relate. And lo and behold, I found this!
Thank God I’m not alone! I know this happens to many women, but aside from Will & Grace, I just felt like I needed some vindication. After all, my friends keep reminding me that I need to get over it…
I met my gay boyfriend, as I like to [but probably shouldn’t] call him, 2-1/2 years ago. We worked together at the time. There was a point when we became inseparable for about seven months; telling each other everything, hanging out all the time, he’d call, text and IM me constantly… and my feelings just continued to grow.
He makes me feel more beautiful than any other man in the world ever has. He flirts with me, kisses me, and knows what to say to put a smile on my face. He is amazing. And he absolutely knows how I feel. I told him long ago and that didn’t change a thing between us. (I was very afraid it would, but if anything, he was flattered and liked the attention!)
However, he’s a very difficult person to understand. He’s got a tough exterior, very hard to get him to open up; probably partly because he’s not “out” to everyone. I’ve only occasionally gotten underneath his displays of false confidence and seen a peek of his insecurity and vulnerability. I feel lucky to have gotten there because he’s so guarded, not everyone does! There were times when he’d push me away and that hurt. Our mutual friends had to remind me not to ever take this personally because that’s how he is with everyone.
It was so frustrating, mainly because I wear my heart on my sleeve and pour my guts out on a regular basis, but I couldn’t get him to do the same. I felt rejected in a sense because it appeared that he didn’t care about me, but that wasn’t it at all. He just shows it differently than I do, and I don’t think he wanted to show his insecurities due to the nature of our careers.
Instead of constantly trying to figure him out, I decided to just make sure he knows that I’m always here for him no matter what. I will always love him and support him; personally and professionally. Even if I can’t be with him, and even if he doesn’t respond to the heartfelt things I say, I know it means a lot to him because he expresses it in different, more subtle ways.
This is, by far, the most difficult and bizarre relationship I’ve ever had! But I can’t bring myself to let go. He’s drawn me in and knows how to keep me hanging on. We seem to thrive off each other’s adoration and praise.
And strangely, I recently moved two hours away for a new job, but yet we’ve talked more lately than when I lived in the same town. I still miss those seven months back in late ‘06 and early ‘07. I don’t think we’ll ever be that close again, but we’ll always be good friends and I will always love and adore him.
I’m still shocked that I found this forum and really appreciated reading all the different stories from all these women. I was really looking for something like this because I think I’m in the beginning stage of what you have all gone through. I’m really scared that I’m falling for my gay friend.
I met him at work when we both started around the same time about 3 years ago. I was new to the city so he really became my first friend and introduced me to his friends.
I already knew that he was gay before he started hinting it to me because he was scared of our conservative work environment. Once he knew that I accept the way he is and even encourage his lifestyle, he just opened up to me by telling me about his whole past…even the dark stuff he’s never told anyone else.
I’ve always thought he was a cutie but never thought of anything above that. I always found it amusing that whenever we were in public, people always thought we were a couple because of our chemistry. I always get starred the wrong way by many women because he’s very attractive so it was a pleasure to get that kind of jealousy from women but was always sad when I thought “only if they knew”.
The positions we have in our company makes us travel frequently to different states and to save money on our travel expenses, we often share one hotel room. I have never been more comfortable sharing a room or traveling anyone other than him. He and I love to travel so we usually take a day out of our business trip for leisure. We’d go shopping, go to dayspas and sometimes go to both straight and gay clubs.
On a side note, since I started working with him and for this company, I haven’t gone out much on dates since I have poured all my time to work.
Lately, we’ve been travelling extensively for a major account we’re working on. We just got back on a recent business trip where it happened to be his hometown as well. I was able to meet his family and friends so I was able to put all the faces to these names he’s been telling me. He was so proud to introduce me to everyone and even joked with his grandma that I’m his new wife. We had such a great time on this trip, we both didn’t want it to end.
Now as I have been back and alone again in my apartment, I have been growing deep feelings for him that I cannot shake off. I think about him constantly. I call/text him all the time and ofcourse, being a great friend, he always answers back.
I haven’t had a crush/affection like this for anyone in a long time and it’s frightening. I don’t see a way I can tell him about these feelings as I’d feel like I’m betraying him plus he had just moved in with his new partner so my timing couldn’t be worse.
He just started a serious relationship (which I encouraged) and seeing him in love with his partner just made me realize what a great guy he is. He’s super romantic and so thoughtful!
I’m at a loss and confused for the first time in my life. I have always been in control of everything I do, including my feelings and relationships and now I feel trapped. I found myself looking at pictures of us and have day-dreams of the “what ifs”? For the past week, I have been trying to ignore him and I know he’s probably wondering why I haven’t paid much attention to him.
We’re going on another business trip next week and I’m excited and sad at the same time. I know I’ll have this fabulous time with him but I feel sad and frustrated everytime he talks to his partner and wishes he was home to him.
I also get depressed everytime he talks about quitting his job because of the demanding hours and crazy travel schedule. I can’t imagine working at this place without him. He’s like my cup of coffee every morning, I can’t start my workday without them!
I have told a couple of close friends about my dilemma and they have both said to switch my feelings off because I’ll just end up getting crushed and maybe even get fired. I know they’re right but I seriously cannot imagine liking any other man because all the qualities I have been looking for are in him.
He gets me and no one has ever gotten me. He knows exactly what I’m thinking of and what I feel. He accepts me for who I am and though I’m a bit insecure, I feel at home with him.
What should I do? These feelings have clouded my judgement at work so I know it can’t go on. I have even contemplated getting another job at another city just to escape my situation but I’d hate to end a beautiful friendship because of my sudden infatuation. I’ve also worked hard and sacrificed a lot of my personal time to get where I am in my company so quitting is completely irrational, though it seems like my only option. Help!
Angela I’m really sorry but your friends are right. You absolutely must find a way to accept you are in love with someone you can’t be with.
Maybe you can try to think of it from his point of view. What if a woman was in love with you? How would you feel? What would you want that woman to do?
I’ve been in love with someone I can’t be with and yes it is hell. He stopped speaking to me for about 4 years and in that period of time I was so, so so sad that I had abused his trust and friendship.
Luckily we are back on track, largely due to his generosity.
Good luck!
I too googled this painful subject and I don’t know whether I feel better because I’m not alone or worse because it is a hopeless situation. Angela, apart from the fact that I don’t work with my gay friend, our emotions are the same. I read the other day this quote “I don’t know whether I should smile because you are my friend or cry because that is all you will ever be”. I have been married for 25 years and have 2 grown up children. I met my friend only recently and we connected immediately on a level that I have never known before. I am walking around like a lovesick teenager. This is the one of the most difficult feelings I have ever had to endure. We talk about everything and really open up to eachother and I so want to tell him how I feel but I am so scared he’ll back off and then I won’t even have him as my best friend anymore. Such a quandry. So, so sad.
I just wanted to say that I am somewhat in the same situation. I however have a little different problem. I have feelings for two gay men, who are partners. I am trying at this point to tell myself that it is only an attration and will pass. However, I am having a hard time. My only solution so far is to stop spending time with them. But how do I do that without having to tell them why? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated
well Frances, perhaps you could view it as being attracted to this couple because you have something to learn from them. there is a choice left open to you about what you choose to learn. you can learn about limitation by trying to work with an expectation you seem to realize is unrealistic or perhaps you can learn about love and human relationships by observing and supporting these two people you care for.
I don’t mean to be unkind, truly, just wanting to help. we’ve all wanted things that defy our knowledge of what is best for us.
Wow. I wish I had found this forum about five months ago. Keeping with the theme, I too was in love with a gay man. When we first met, I wasn’t particularly impressed with him, but the more we hung out, the more impressed I became and eventually found myself in love with him. I fell hard and fast. He told me early on in our relationship that he was gay, but not early enough. Ok. I could deal with this. I would just be his friend. For the next few months we were absolutely inseparable. We did everything together. He made me feel so special because he never looked at other women. He would tell me I was beautiful. I knew he was gay, but I couldn’t control myself. I loved him so much. If he had said the word, I would have left my marriage and followed him to the ends of the earth. I was conflicted because I loved my husband, but the slightest touch from my friend would shoot electricity from my head down to my toes. I did not feel that way about my husband. I had never been so in love before, including with my husband. One day, my friend told me that loving someone means loving them for who they are and not what you want them to be. He was talking about another situation, but I applied that to try and analyze my feelings for him. I found that I was totally not coming to grips with him being gay. I didn’t want to accept it. So, I kind of just ignored it. I fantasized about us being together emotionally and sexually. I hit on him relentlessly. I would be so jealous of his other female friends, and of the guys that he would date. Once I accepted the fact that he was gay and would never ever ever fall in love with me, it helped me to stop being in love with him. But once the clouds cleared out, I found myself wondering if I even want to be his friend. I am still working that out. I can’t tell if my love for him was due to my extreme attraction to him, or because I do genuinely love him. I don’t particularly want a friendship with a man. I feel bad about it, but I seriously lost a lot of interest when I came to grips with his homosexuality. But part of me still adores him. I don’t want to be in love with him again…anymore. I am having a hard time coping with how I feel about the man I married and the fact that I fell in love with another man. So
WOW. All I can say is JUST WOW. I read through everyone’s post and it seriously made me cry to realize that I am in exactly the same situation as so many of you. I am a 20 year old woman in love with a 20 year old homosexual man. I knew from day 1 that he is gay, but the closer we got, the harder it got for me to not have any feelings for him. It gets so much more intense the more time we spend together…and I too get jealous when he tells me about the men he’s seeing, or when he compliments other women.
Lisa, I hope you still come on here because I am in the exact same situation as you. Like…I am the one who is always showing the affection, and while he has it for me too, he shows it in different ways. It’s SO hard. Especailly since this is my first real love. I wish it could be, but I know it can’t, and I wouldn’t want him to change one thing in order for it to work. I don’t think my family would accept it, either.
I will have to try my best to get over it…somehow.
Good luck to everyone here…it’s great to know that we at least have each other
I too am so happy I googled this subject and found this site. Your stories are so familiar and yet so sad. I am also in love with my BFF who just confirmed with me that he is gay just a few nights ago………it literally breaks my heart.
We have been great friends for 8 years and gotten closer over the last few. He is such a wonderful man, human being, and so, so, so kind. He is everything you would want someone to be. He sets the expectations high for other men to follow - and he finally confirmed the one thing I never wanted to hear and face.
Its like breaking up with a relationship you never had….losing something that was never yours..it was a fantasy,a dream, a thought, that maybe, one day we would be together…and now, that dream is gone.
Its sounds a little pathetic to some - seeing that in the back of my mind I may have always known that he was gay (and even asked him years ago and he denied it), but when you love someone like we all have loved these men, and you have such a wonderful and unique and caring relationship, it just always lingered that maybe we could be together one day.
What I am struggling with is what now?….how does this change our dyanmic? as we are about to go on a great island vacation together, how does it change things? of course, I am sure not too much will change, but I need to develop the strength to know who I am to him & what I will never be - this is really, really hard…….I love him so much.
Anyways, I am happy to have read your entries and find comfort that others relate to this type of situation…I need some serious strength to get thru all of this mentally, if nothing else. Take care….
i left a message a while ago and im back to write back one more comment. For all of you woman reading this part of the message, dont ever think it cant be you.
So i am so in love with someone and he tells me he is gay. I was there by his side for months. I have oretended to be the g/f and help him get away from the so called girls he dosent want in his life, and i have listened to the crying and the pain but all alone….i knew the truth!!
I felt that he was still with women, most gay men in fact are worse then we are girls. they are cattyy and lie….i found out that he has still been with his ex girlfriend, actually girlfriend while he plays the im gay only role with me. i have realized due to this that you can not be in love with someone that dosent love you back and most times you wnat it more because you know they dont want you, but gay men are like there own species. Same goes for bi-sexual ones. They love stringing us along and you should use more precautions with gay man then with a straight one.
The lesson learned here is it is not what he says but what he dosent say and its not how he acts but what he allows you to believe.
If you love him great if you are in love its because he is making you think something false. Remember it is natural to like a man, even if we find out hes gay becasue woman are attracted to men, it is them that have the identity crisis. dont let them bring you for there sick twisted gay love affair ride. Wake up!!
sooo…
im going to break pattern here and say that I’m not in love with my gay male soul mate. But i still see so many similarities in what others here have written. I do love him, but its a different kind of love, the kind I have for my siblings, my closest girlfriends. Its the kind of love that comes with profound trust. I can tell him anything, I would do anything he asks of me. I care deeply about him. I know its reciprocal
I have never lusted after him as some others here have. I have never lusted because I can see clearly what makes our relationship so special. Our relationship is enduring and stable. Its uncomplicated by hormones and sex and all that is associated with physical love. we could never be together for that reason. I am in a committed relationship with a straight male, and he is in a wonderful relationship with a gay man. We are both so happy. My relationship with my boyfriend is different. On some planes I cant get as close to him as I do with my gay friend. But thats because my relationship with my boyfriend has the rawness that comes with a physical relationship… its just different. It doesnt feel better or worse. Its complimentary. So for all of you who are struggling. I would challange you to think of your gay friends as a wonderful complement to your real, physical relationships. Your gay friends will be there with you as you start dating, as you should be for them. They will hold your hand when youre crying because you found your boyfriend with another woman. They will help you pick out sexy lingerie. THey will be in your wedding. They will share support and advice. They can still be your soul mates. But life is wonderful in that there are many many people out there. And you have the opportunity to have more than one soul mate, a regular variety pack!
Hi ThreeWishes!!
I haven’t stopped back here in awhile, so I’m sorry for the delayed response! I hope you’re doing okay with your situation.
I’m working on my situation lol… being a few hours away definitely helps to keep my mind off of him, but I still talk to him a few times a month and I can’t stop looking at old pictures of us. (He’s too damn cute!) Not to mention all the SONGS that remind me of him!
But I’m in a new city with lots of new (straight) boys, so hopefully I can get my mind off him in that way!! Weird thing is, he gets sorta jealous when I talk about other boys… gay or straight!! He’s so weird with that! It’s like… what the?? LOL.
But oh, how I feel your pain, girl! Good luck! It’s hard!!
I’m struggling with the same issues as most of you, but the difference for me is that I do not know if he is gay or straight. We work together, but he treats me wonderfully. He’s generous and kind, and I’m falling hard for him. I’m just not sure if he’s reluctant to go beyond platonic friends because we work together or because he might be gay. He’s very guarded, and won’t discuss his personal life with anyone. He tells me about his family, but we’ve never discussed his previous relationships. He calls me everyday during the week, he brings me treats and small gifts frequently. He shows interest in me, but not beyond plantonic friends. What should I do? I do I find out if he’s gay or not, without offending him. Please help. I need advice.
I posted my dilemma back in April and it really helped pouring it all out in this website because just being open and honest with my feelings, though to complete strangers was the first step to realizing my problem. I’d like to thank all the women who have posted thus far because it takes so much courage to get this all out.
Dee-I do hope that your co-worker is not gay because being in a workplace does not help.
The object of my affection is still at my workplace and though I have debated on quitting the job and moving to another city, I decided to stay. I still work side-by-side with him and see him everyday. It’s a daily struggle because I have days when I just want to SCREAM in the office that I’m in love with him and jump him on the spot. Then there are days when I try to avoid him but he pops in my office to do or give me something special.
Another hard thing is that since I’ve met his family on a business trip, his mother would ask him to put me on the phone when she calls him at work and we would have such great conversations. She’s like the trophy mother-in-law! One day he joked “I think she’s waiting for us to get married”. My heart sank and I replied with a joke to fend it off but soon after I just had to rush out to the bathroom and cry.
I felt the pain his mother feels. She accepts his homosexuality and lifestyle but I know deep inside she wishes the same as I do, that he’d snap out of it and go back to women (as he did before college).
But what she has to realize, as all of us here who have posted, is that it’s not up to us.
A good friend made me watch “The Object of My Affection” as part of my get-over-the-gay-guy therapy and though I wouldn’t recommend it to all the women here, it definitely put my situation on film.
There was a scene when this elderly, wise but sad man tells Jennifer Aniston’s character that she has to be careful with her object of affection because in the end, she’ll be left with no one.
I must have replayed that scene/dialogue at least three times to make sure it stuck in my head so it can keep reminding my heart.
And though I can’t fully say that my heart is “cured”, I’m working on coming into terms that the man I’m putting so much energy into will never realize how much I love him and that I just have to learn to love ME more.
Good luck to you all and I hope to see read some progress from your situations.
I wonder how many of you realise that there is a difference between “loving” someone and being “in love” with someone?
All you straight women whom are lusting after your gay friends need to realise that whilst they most probably do adore and love you they are not “in love” with you. Do you honestly think you can fall in love with someone yet have zero sexual attraction to them? No. Sometimes people fall for others because they have amazing personalities despite the fact that they do not initially find them sexually attractive… but personality can win you over and you can learn to fancy another with the passage of time…with one exception…you’re GAY.
My best friend is gay. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. He treats me like his princess and people often mistake us for a heterosexual couple however, he’s gay and nothing will ever change that. There are times when I find it frustrating of course, I don’t think I will ever meet a straight man who I can love or who loves me the way my gay one does, but that doesn’t mean I fool myself into thinking we’d be great together. He wants to have sex with men…so do I. Our relationship is perfect just the way it is which is the way it will always be.
You all need to be thankful for what you have which a wonderful friendship with a man who you can rely on and have fun with. Accept your man for what he is. He’s gay. It doesn’t trivialise the love that he has for you but you will never, ever be able to fulfil his needs. He won’t/can’t/doesn’t want to change for you. Think about the relationship that you have with him now. If it’s anything like the one I have with my friend I’m sure it’s wonderful. Think about how lucky you are to have such a great friend. Don’t push him away with silly comments or advances, he will never want to be in a sexual relationship with you but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just happens to be attracted to men. Unrequited love can be painful I know but the sooner you come to terms with it the sooner you can move on and the sooner your gay man and you can laugh about what is essentially a silly crush. Think Will and Grace…think positive!
I too am deeply, distractedly, hopelessly in love with a gay man, but I hear you, Stranger in the night. They play their nasty little games, pit us against one another, string us along, JUST LIKE ANY OTHER MAN. I am determined to get over it. They ain’t worth it.
Thank god I’m not the only one out there, I am very broken hearted and confused, I met my gay friend at work about 5 years ago, wasnt that keen at first but we just started talking and hit it off, we like the same shows, music food etc..we are totally on same wavelength, he’s was very touchy feely with me had a fascination with my breasts which I found strange for someone who is supposed to be gay, he went to work on an airline but we got back in touch a few months ago, plus he only worked across road from me with his new job, thought this was meant to be, we have such a good laugh together he always holds my hand when we are in gay bars and is always trying to remove my bra - odd again why would he do this? plus always touching my hair and brushing up against me, well this was too much to bear, people are always asking me is he my boyfriend, plus he told everyone at work I was his girlfriend!! The crunch came when we were having a heart to heart talk about relationships and one guy came over flirting with him, he ended up having a one night stand with him and I was crushed I cried myself to sleep all night, I have told him how I felt as I could’t bear it anymore - I accept the fact he is gay and if he dosent want to be my friend I will understand, he said it dosen’t change a thing and I’m still a best friend but I feel it has, he’s scared to spend time alone with me now and always has to bring another female friend out whenever we meet, plus he’s not been touchy feely with me now and cant wait to escape and go home once there is just us to left at end of night. We havent spoken for few days now as he said the only solution is to end the friendship, I cried all weekend I just cant bear it - for someone who said it didnt change anything it obviously has and I would never make him do something he dosent want to do, I just wanted him to know how I felt as it was tearing me up inside, I just want things to be the way they were but I have been told by one of his close friends he dosent know what to say to me and cant handle the situation, plus he is feeling remorse after he sent me a nasty text msg to say him being gay is a problem, If that was the case I never would have been his friend in the first place, my feelings have just developed for him over time. I think me being straight is obviously a problem, plus he also gets jealous if I get attention from men or if I see someone that catches my eye - I’m very confused - pls help somebody
I’m in a similar situation-I have feelings for a gay friend of mine. However reality is he is gay and even if he were to have a sudden change of heart and fall for me-I would not be with him because I will never make him happy. Another man will. You can’t change being gay-just like you can’t change your height, or the fact that you like candy, or don’t like carrots-it just is.
With friendship and with love it really is not about you-but about making the other person happy. I love my friend, I feel a huge connection to him, and think he is a wonderful human being. Would I be on him like glue if he were straight-hell yes! Too bad I would have to get in line though-he’s one wonderful man! However he will never be happy with me. Yes-I believe he loves me also, cares for me, and has high regard for me-but I’m just not what he wants. As his friend I have to respect who he is.
It would be very damaging to our friendship if I were to expect him to give me more than his friendship.
So alot of time has passed. I have found out that he is gay, still with his ex girl (Sometimes) and I love him…what is the outcome and the answer to all this,
it is not real love,,,,he is with thsi other grl because she knew b4 he came out and its better to know the truth then to not.
And you then realize the love is kind and different but just love. not in love and no passion, there cant possibly be. its fun and exciting and he is just your friend/brother
Thats all it could be.
I am weeping as I read everyone’s comments out here….I love and have been in love with a man who is gay for 26 years. Nothing has ever changed that and nothing ever will. He has been my best friend, confidante, soul mate, what ever you want to call it and I have been his. I knew the moment I met him that he was going to be the one man in my life that I would love and trust forever. We have had the most amazing life, good times and bad. You run the gamut of emotions in this type of a relationship, but I wouldn’t trade or wish that I had never met him. We have shared everything life has to offer with the one exception being sex. He was the one that was holding and coaching me when “our” son was born 20 years ago. Olivia your advise to all out here is just about it with the exception of loving and in love because it can happen. The sexual desire will always be there when love is involved for a woman and yes a man who happens to be gay can feel sexual desire for a woman, it is different however and always know that for a gay man, sexual satisfaction with another man is the ultimate fullfillment for them. My feelings have never been brotherly towards him and he would say the same. He has never felt or looked at me as his sister. It just is what it is. I have always loved him deeply and he has always loved me. Jealousy will also be an issue in this type of relationship. These are all normal emotions when love is involved. I have been jealous of his lovers and and he has been jealous of mine. Our respective lovers have even been jealous of our close relationship, but you work through it.
Well following up from my previous story, the friendship is back on, we had a big heart to heart and he said he was out of line with what he said to me, he said for me to open up to my feelings the way I did took a lot of courage and he admires that, he said he likes me to meet his friends as he’s always talking to them about me all the time and knew that they would like me.
Theres something still there in the back of my mind though that makes me feel that now he knows how I feel he is trying to manipulate the situation. I met him for a drink the other night but the night was short lived as it seemed after a couple of hours he couldn’t wait to get away and said he didnt want to get too drunk as he was going to see a friend! That to me says he still cant handle the way I feel as why would he want to get away so quickly and to me he is scared of letting his guard down - In my opinion I feel its himself he dont trust and not me, he even told me that in his past he has kissed other girls after him now knowing how I feel about him why is he telling me these things am I being paranoid?
As I’ve already acknowledged, I too have fallen deeply in love with a wonderful gay man that I’ve known for eight years. No man has even come close to being as nice to me as he is. However, I have chosen to take a very hard-nosed view of the relationship (at the moment, at least). Yes, everything that everyone is saying is absolutely true, and, yes, tears have been running down my face in recognition as I have read (and reread) your responses one after another. Beth Anne, in particular, I think, has summed it all up perfectly for many of us. But I am left wondering, why, why, why, if they indeed love us, as some of them seem to be admitting, do they withold the one thing that they know many of us want most. If they simply can’t perform for a woman (and how do they know they can’t if they haven’t tried?), why not at least make the gesture of trying, just to show their love for us? Many of these men will have sex with a stranger at the drop of a hat (or some other such mysterious signal) and yet they cannot bring themselves to spend some serious intimate time, even if intercourse is ultimately impossible, with the women they ostensibly love, knowing what it would mean to us, knowing how satisfying even a little of this would be for us? I can’t figure it out. Something is wrong with this picture. We must ask ourselves whether they are the “soulmate” or the “perfect gentleman” that we think they are. Love is love–how can they not feel anything physical at all? There’s something seriously Freudian going on here, I’m afraid.
My case is similar to Angela’s. I am married and I have a grown-up child. I also have to travel frequently. During one of those business travels, this gay friend of mine started flirting with me. In the begining I did not pay any attention, but over the time I started to respond. I had suspicion about him being gay and I confirmed my suspicion somehow. My gay friend has been in relationship with a man for over 7 years. I am in love with my gay friend. He regularly flirts with me here and there. One thing for sure, I will not leave my husband (no matter how boring he is) and I will never cheat on him. But I wonder, if he is gay, why he keeps flirting with me, and why I am falling in love with him. Sometimes, I think he is also in love with.
In response to Pathetiques post:
Yes you are so right: they do play nasty little mind games and string us along, plus they let you down at last minute when they have a better offer and when they want you, they expect you to drop all your plans for them, they are very selfish little creatures, I have cut ties with my gay friend as I feel he thinks he can take advantage just because of my feelings - I don’t think so.
I’m not homophobic, but men gay or straight are all the bloody same and Pathetique, I wholeheartedly agree with you, they aint worth it and I will get over it, I’m too nice and dependable that was my trouble, well no more Mrs Nice Guy, onwards and upwards!!!
but why these gay men flirt with us straight women?
That last is the big question, and it remains unanswered. I tried to convince myself over and over and over that he is NOT flirting with me or with other attractive hetero women right in front of me just to make me jealous, that I must be imagining this, since, of course, he’s gay. But I am not imagining it and I have not misinterpreted his signals. He flirted and teased and came on to me for years, until I finally succombed to his charm and allowed myself to entertain the possibility that he might be interested in me. Not so, as I find out. KW is right that they shop around among attractive hetero women for the best offer and play us off against one another–this one tonight, that one tomorrow night, your turn, now yours–getting away with it because (of course!) they’re gay and all the while unable (or unwilling?) to deliver for any of us. Meanwhile, when they’re with us they’re convincing each of us that we are their dearest and most cherished “special” friend and closest confident and we, naturally, fall in love with them. I’m convinced they’re worse than hetero men. I suspect deep down that this behavior is really just a particuarly well-disguised form of misogyny, and at that, very dangerous and insidious. If they really liked women as much as they profess, they would not be totally repulsed at the idea of physical intimacy with one (horror of horrors). After being burned, I intend to give gay men a wide berth in the future. They bite. Ouch!
Howdy Everyone!
Wow. So glad to find this forum!!
Pathetique, you hit the nail on the head. As a straight woman, my two “best” gays play me constantly…against each other and any of my girlfriends that come around all of us.
It’s a hot mess. Long story, but nonetheless today was messy-messy.
The second of my two gays swept me off my feet somehow…even that I knewup-front he was as gay as they come!
I first fell for his interest in me, but now, just two months later, I have caught on…it’s not “me” that he likes. He likes attention from my friends and using that in front of me…and pits me, my straight girlfriends or my other gay each other so he can be the center of attention.
*He has some power-trip, ego issue*
After what I’ve read here, I am ashamed that I indulged my “second” gay like I did. I knew I was riding a very thin bubble when I met him.
Today, that bubble burst.
I can no longer handle his drama!
Thank God, I still have my “original” gay who has never caused me a day’s worry in the three years we have known each other and whom I love DEARLY!! I love him so much and now feel guilty that I may have set him aside.
From now on, I’m adhering to the best single girl’s rule:
ONE GAY AT A TIME
Hey, Lonestarlawyer, glad you weighed in. You clarified a lot of things for me. I am working on “Zero gays at a time.” They are worse (fill in with your favorite “affectionate” term)s/es than heteros. From now on, I’ll take my chances with heteros. At least I can read them better.
Gosh, I am not alone. I have been in love with a gay man for about 2.5 years. We have a spiritual thing going on between us. I write to him everyday and he reads every single letter. Sometimes it is multiple times per day. He occasionally replies. When we do see each other (at the place of work, it’s once or twice a week), we act as if we aren’t in touch. In other words, I know he reads every word, but he’ll act like he doesn’t know the details. Yet, later, he will admit to knowing the details. He has a partner and they have been together for a very, very long time. At one point, I wondered if he was bisexual because he sometimes looks at me or my body in a very sexy way. All I can say is that it is HOT between us whenever we are near eachother, and we both know it, but we don’t act on it …. because it’s a work situation and/or because he’s committed to a gay man and/or because he’s not bi. Still, we really have this strong spiritual thing going. I have said enough things in my letters that should have scared him off about my attraction to him, but he isn’t scared off. Instead, he confirms some things I say when we’re in person. Perhaps this is something like a romantic, emotional affair for him. In person, we have tons of body language and eye language that would make you think we were both in love with each other. I know he cares about me. I wish I could move on to someone who could commit to me as I’m divorced with children, but I can’t think about anyone else. This is the part that really kills me — I think about him nearly constantly. He is such a nice, wonderful human being. It is nice to read that you other women also have the same thing going … thinking about your gay friend constantly, feeling in love, having him act like he’s in love.
I think that gay men’s brains are very similar to women’s brains, and that’s why we like them.
Thanks for reading my post. I know I’m babbling, but I can’t believe I’m the only one who has been through this. And, you guys are really much further along than me.
In spite of my anger at my gay guy (see previous entries), I still think of him constantly, too. I can’t get him out of my system. I’m simply mad about him. I guess I’ve lost my mind after all.
Pathetique, I have felt like I lost my mind, too. I spend way too much time thinking about him and/or writing to him. I have thought of seeing a therapist, but, at the time, didn’t want to be talked out of it and didn’t think it would help.
God, he is SO good-looking and SO nice. There’s been a lot of body language between us. One time, I came up to his house for a party … and, granted I had an interesting shirt on, but he met me at the front door and he slowly looked UP my body …. slowly ran his eyes over my chest … and then, when his gaze met mine, we locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity, neither of us blinking, both of us looking incredibly deeply and super-sexily into each other’s eyes. It feels like he is making love to my soul when he looks at me. It’s unbelievable. I have never had a man look at me like that before. And, he’s done it before. And, for this party … his partner was walking around somewhere in the background. But, his back was to his partner, and his partner could not see my face. I was stunned.
Another time, I was giving him directions to somewhere, and he “acted” like he couldn’t follow directions (he is very smart, so this is unlikely). He literally grabbed me, spun me around, and had his arms around me with his fingers interlocked in my fingers, pretending we were holding a steering wheel, and asked me to “pretend drive” us there. My back was nearly up against his body. A few minutes later, after we had stopped doing that, he still acted dumb about the directions (even though the location was RIGHT NEXT to a friend of his who he knew well …), and so I said, “Oooh, let’s do that again” and, this time, I grabbed his hands and re-did the whole scenario.
There’s tons of examples of how attracted he is to me, and vice versa. I have been thinking all along that he was ‘bi’, and have been holding out for a while, thinking perhaps he is my true love …. his partner moved away to another town for a job, and I don’t know if they are in splitsville for good or if the job thing is legit. But, after reading these posts, I fear that he’s not ‘bi’, and will never be available to me.
I barely have a desire to date hetero men because I feel fulfilled just knowing that he cares about me.
It truly is maddening. I’m afraid that if I were to move away or leave the place of work that I’d still be thinking about him and writing to him.
It almost feels like a spell. But, if feels spiritual, too, unlike any relationship I’ve ever had with a het guy. Mind-boggling!
Part of me thinks I need therapy, but everyone I know loves the guy. He really is a wonderful person. Who wouldn’t fall for him? Yet, this is overkill to be in love with someone who isn’t available for whatever reason. I should move on, right? Right?!? Or, should I wait a little longer and see what transpires? LOL!!!!!
Hmm, I’m tempted to say hang in there and see what transpires. Yours sounds as if he might actually be bi, unlike most of the others discussed here. A therapist will only tell you to forget about it; it’s not happening; move on–that, at least, is what mine tells me. At least you have some degree of the physical element in your relationship (I don’t, but would love to have what you have). What you have with him still might be more satisfying than what you would get with your average hetero-creep. AND, he’s good-looking. From the sound of it, you get a lot out of this guy, even sexually, as far as it goes. Maybe if you wait around, and now that the boyfriend seems to be out of the picture, you might get more, at least for a short time, until he figures out what he wants. I don’t know, but this guy sounds worth what you get from him. But your experiences only further beg the question: what is all of this quasi-sexual attention and affection about with these professed gays? I have no answer to that; I wish someone who does would help out.
Pathetique, I have been thinking the same thing for a while. If he’s ‘bi’, and becomes available, I want him for the rest of my life.
One of my first emails to him, I explained in a “p.s.” that the reason I could not look his way (during a conversation with a couple of folks) was because of the way he was sitting. He was in a large chair with his leg draped over the arm of it, and it was the perfect Playgirl pose, but clothes on. I explained that “Playgirl” thought of mine, and just wanted to explain to him that was why I had averted my gaze from him (as if I was trying control my lust by avoiding looking at him). (Yes, this was an obvious “hit” on my part, and shameful given that he has a partner.) The next day? He was stuck to my side. When I had to go out to my car for something, he followed me outside after a few minutes. He was definitely interested in what I’d written. This “following me around like a puppy dog”, although a little less obvious than that, and despite that his partner was in the same large room at a big gathering.
So, Pathetique, I really appreciate your opinion because this is all “new” to me. On the other hand, as far as “new” …. I’ve had LOTS of gay male friends and never had any attraction to ANY of them and none of them have EVER looked at me the way this one does. This one really does feel ‘bi’ …. or, he may be a homosexual who is close to being ‘bi’? Or, ‘bi’ with a slight preference for men? Shoot. All I know is that there’s been a LOT of body and eye language between us, and we do have a lot in common as far as interests and what-not, and he’s not a flaming type at ALL. Comes across as a refined ‘het’.
On the other hand, one time I wore a somewhat revealing, tight shirt, showing cleavage, and he told me to where something less revealing … but he said that in front of someone else, so it could have been a front. I just don’t know …. perhaps he is just a more confusing case because he’s closer to ‘bi’.
Seems to me that we should open up a much more private chat board for us girls …. I don’t quite like this being out on the internet. On the other hand, if I hadn’t found this posting, I’d be feeling like the only crazy one. Maybe we could share some email addresses, if that’s allowed here.
Thanks, again, Pathetique. I’m going to hold onto “hope” for a bit longer. Besides, I haven’t found one ‘het’ guy yet who holds a candle to this guy. I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I’m in no rush to date as I was burnt pretty badly (cheating spouse, bad divorce). So, I can wait a little longer and maybe spend time improving myself, work-out, etc.
What do you other women think? Think I’m nuts to hold out longer? p.s. I cannot ask him directly how he feels as long as he’s still “committed” to his partner …. and I’m afraid to ruin “karma” by asking him if their separation is purely do to job issues or not. Seems to me the normal course of time will tell me what’s going on. He may actually be wildly attracted to me AND ‘bi’, but moral enough to not cheat on his partner. He is very religious, like me, and it’s a guilt-trip for me that we’re having what appears to be, at least, an emotional affair.
Sorry this is so long …. I can’t believe I’ve found this board. This has been plaguing me so deeply for so long. Thanks for reading it!
p.s. I’m sorry to write again, but I also echo Pathetique on “what is this quasi-sexual attention/affection about”? Is it because most people really ARE ‘bi’, but with a slight preference or large preference, for one gender or the other? The Kinsey scale claims that we all fall on some kind of spectrum and most are ‘bi’, but some smack in the middle between gay/het, some closer to the gay end, some closer to the het end of the scale. Then, society forces us to pick one or the other, so we polarize.
Oh boy! What a relief to find this forum…! I was beginning to think I was the ONLY woman in love with a gay (?) man.
Here is my story: I´ve known him for 30 years now. In high school he adored me, but I had a crush for another guy, so I did not pay any attention to his loving details. After a year or so, I was head over heels for my friend, but he´d changed his attitude towards me.
Our friendship continued for some years; then I got married, stayed married for 14 years and got divorced. During that time we lost track of each other for 25+ years.
Two years ago, I encountered my friend again; he is an artist, a very talented painter; very sensitive, kindhearted, loving and caring person.
We see each other once or twice a week, go to the movies, for dinner, parties, dancing, etc. and always stay until 3 am or later, talking in our cars, at home or wherever we happen to be. We live close by and that makes things easier for us.
I know all his family members; his sisters adore me, his nephews and nieces too. My friends think we are a couple and always refer to him as “my boyfriend”.
He is an excellent dancer and he always asks me to go with him to weddings and family affairs. He is a gentleman and pays me great compliments all the time. Even though his was my very first kiss in the mouth, we have not kissed like that in 29 years, sure we kiss each other, but it is always on the cheek.
Every time we go to the movies or walk on the street, he would hold my hand, open the car door and always demonstrates sweet details with me. We specially like slow dancing whenever we are together.
He recently went to Europe for a month and he brought me a present from every country he visited and he always talks wonders about me with his friends and family.
I know he loves me as a friend, but he sends me lots of confusing signals. I don´t know if in fact he is gay or if he may be bisexual. He has many male friends that are possibly gay. He is very polite and his demeanor and conversation sometimes makes me wonder.
He has never suggested, commented, hinted or anything that makes me think he is physically interested in me.
Granted, our friendship is great and we are envied by people around us… but as a normal human being, I want more. I want him to want me the way I do, I want him to wish to be with me more time, not only once a week! I want him to show me he loves me and not to hear that from others.
I keep making excuses to see each other, organizing parties with mutual friends, anything to see him, having him near me. Sometimes I wonder why do I linger in a situation that surely will be hopeless, I try to convince myself that he is not in love with me (I know he loves me and cares about me) and he never will… and yet, I keep waiting for that phone call or text message.
I hate myself for clinging to this ethereal fantasy of mine. I try to reassure myself that a gay man can never be in love with a heterosexual woman.
Besides, even though I suspect he is gay, I have never asked him or obtained an absolute proof, so I guess that keeps my little hope-meter high.
Thank you ladies for reading about my predicament and taking the time to comment, I really need help and it is so great to be able to find some one else to relate!
Join the club, Marisa! Your story is as good as any of ours. It’s really maddening to be in love with a wonderful guy who seems to meet our needs on every level except one.
They say insanity is when we try the same thing over and over, expecting different results. That would be me.
Of course, even if he admits to you he’s gay, you’re going to go through only a small amount of withdrawal, and then you’ll start questioning if he’s bi. If you ask him and he says he’s not bi, would you believe him?
Seems like we all want them to “try us” just once and see them get disgusted or not be able to perform. We want proof, dammit.
I am gay! so I thought!? but it wasn’t until recently that I started loosing interest in gay men. I am 45 years old and at this point in my life intimacy is more then a mechanical sex act. It is a know fact that men whether gay or straight make love with the head between their legs and not with the one a top of their shoulders.
When I finish making love to a man I am left with an empty feeling, and soon after that a couple of questions pops in my mind,
“AND NOW WHAT? WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO?
I feel if I am with a woman she is better and more genuine at expressing and sharing feelings of love, more so then gay men.
Dear exgaybychoice,
Oh, you have just upped the hope-meter tremendously for ALL of us on this board!
I did a little research a couple of years ago on the brain. I was disturbed that heterosexual men seemed to not be able to share feelings, etc. and thought it was related to that lack of “bandwidth” between the left/right hemispheres of the brain? Well, bottom line is that I found a scientific article that explained that in the mid/late 40’s, all men’s brains change/synthesize and they get more of this bandwidth … and other changes. They DID say in the article that they have found gay men who became straight because of this.
At that time, I had only begun to notice my feelings towards my gay friend (falling in love with him), so I DIDN’T SAVE THE ARTICLE!!! If anyone can find it, please post the article here.
The gay (or bi?) friend I have is in his late 40’s, and I would love to know that his seeming feelings towards me might mean a future for us.
Hey, exgaybychoice, what drew you to this blog? We love you now, so please stay with us and tell us more about how you tick and the history of your life (starting from puberty your feelings and what kind of relationship(s) you’ve been in and for how long). There are many of us hear dying to find out. Do you really, really feel this way or is church dogma making you feel that way? Be sure! Our hope-meters are WAY high right now. A lot of us are really madly in love with our gay/bi men here, and sick over it.
I almost think we all need to move to a yahoo group as this board is getting really busy …. but I guess this is OK for now.
THANK YOU FOR POSTING.
Have just read the most recent comments and wow!! I cannot believe my eyes, I have no problem with gay men and I have quite a few now who are absolutely wonderful and I have such a good time with them, like I say its not all gay men I am in love with but just the one still - we always have kind of an off on friendship but its more on than ever now and I feel such a closeness with him, people say I should be careful and that I am spending too much time with him but he’s my drug and I’m addicted to him, I have been his confidant and have had him in despair over his current split up but have cheered him up as he seemed so down and distant but he always opens up to me and for me to feel I have gained that trust from him is amazing. Maybe nothing more intimate may come of it but I always want him in my life and I’d be lost without him, he sent me the lovliest text message last week which moved me to tears god I adore more now than ever.
Theres a guy who is keen on him and when we went for drinks the other night I did the noble thing and sat opposite them so they could sit together and chat, but he only comes and sits back next to me and starts cuddling me - then to make matters worse his “admirer” says to me that I am the one he is always talking about all the time and my name is always mentioned in conversation OMG what to do I really don’t know only time will tell xx
Wow! Exgaybychoice, do stick around to help us all out! This is just what I was hoping would happen here. Onemore dreamer, you know what you are talking about. Between the two of you, maybe we can figure this thing out. My gay is 40ish too!
Well to add to that I am feeling a great sense of hope, maybe I’m heading for a fall but I have to know one way or another.
I even got a kiss on the lips the other night wasnt a full on passionate opened mouth thing but it did kind of linger and he normally just does the kiss on the both cheeks, we both talked via webcam yesterday for nearly an hour and kept blowing me kisses and telling me how much he loved me this guy is 37 this year - maybe this theory about the 40 mark might be true but if this dosent happen in my case I will always be greatful to have such a wonderful and truly amazing friend in my life that makes me glad to be alive!!!
I suspect later in life *some* gay men find that they are bisexual. I find that few things are black and white– most everything is on a spectrum. sexual preferences included. I also follow the advice that when someone tells you who they are you should believe them.
Just for the record, the male brain goes thru the “change” in their late 40’s, on average. Mid-40’s earliest. It finishes synthesizing around age 50. I think that this also means that perhaps the heterosexual men in their fifties are less creepy and more inclined to want real intimacy and true love. Now, I really want to find that article.
Pathetique, can we talk on the phone or email offline sometime? I really want to pick your brain a little. Not sure how to do this anonymously unless we both create new email accts that don’t show our names in gmail …. we can chat online in gmail, too, i think. I do want to remain anonymous….
KW! Keep us updated! This sounds exciting! A real kiss on the lips! Woo-hoo!
Onemoredreamer, I would love to chat with you offline. How can we do this? Or should we stay online so that others may share any helpful insights our conversation/exchange might generate? I too think it’s best to remain anonymous.
Someone got a real kiss! This is too exciting! There’s hope yet for all of us. Brava, KW–yes, please do keep us updated.
Pathetique,
There’s just a few things that, if I put them in print, might give away who I am. And, it could get too lengthy, too.
How about we create anonymous email ids just for us to do a chat? Then, we correspond only thru those email ids. Our emails will remain in our in boxes, so we can later “post” any of them that we think would be helpful to the group (if we agree that it is ‘anonymous’ enough material).
In fact, here’s my new fake email address just for this purpose:
mysterychick77 at gmail dot com
I will still be posting here, too, though. Don’t worry!
Sounds fine to me, Onemoredreamer. Give me some time to figure out how to do this from my end. But let’s be sure not to shut others out, now that we have all bonded because of our common plight.
No problem. I’ll bet there’s hundreds of us in each city secretly crazy about our gay crushes. The public forum must remain and is immensely helpful!
Hi everyone! sorry I didn’t respond sooner but I have been very busy! I will respond later and share with you my own personal experiences! let me just say for now that changes, no matter how little of drastic, is a natural process, and not as difficult as most people let you to believe.
Hugs and kisses!,
Leandro
Well as an update had a very intense heart to heart last night with my gay friend and I was moved to tears with the things he said, I have never had him open up to me like this and I think its a great turnaround, he has apologised for his mood swings and the fall outs we had in the past but he says he thinks a lot of me because I have made his life happier and brighter he has been through a bit of a bad patch and he felt very sad but he said that I have brought him through it. He said he thinks I am beautiful both outside and in and that he can always be himself with me more than anyone else and he’s so glad he met me because he feels he wouldn’t know what to do without me. Plus he wanted to thank me for all I am and who I am well the tissues were at the ready cos I was crying with so much emotion for what he said - I mean I have never even had a straight guy talk and open up like that, I feel he is finally built up his trust for me and appreciates me I just don’t want the bubble to burst - what next who knows but I just hope things stay this way xx
Where are you, Leandro? You’re going to explain this whole thing to us, right?
I have been sat reading through these posts and weeping, for the second time in my life I have fallen for a gay guy. The first one I had a huge crush on him for over a year, everyone at work thought we were together, there was a lot of mutual flirting and the chemistry was amazing.
He was everything I wanted in a man.. thoughtful, kind, bought me lovely little presents. He fessed up after a year that he was gay and had been seeing someone for a while. It hurt so much, I was in bits. I left the company a couple of years ago and our contact has dropped off and I find that has eased the pain.
So what have i done now.. exactly the same thing! I have recently met a another guy and tbh I have been lapping up the attention.. the texts, phonecalls and IM. He texts most days to ask how I am and what I have been up to, he took me out for a meal last week and it felt so good to walk into a restaurant with him. I have been single for 3 years and I felt “normal” to be seen out with an attentive man.
I watched a movie round his place last night and I wanted so much to snuggle up to him, I got as close as I dared but I was willing him to put his arm around me but I would probably have made a fool of myself by jumping on him! He told me he was gay about one month into our friendship but I had already fallen for him by then. He is single but we had a discussion last night about his relationship hopes and I felt so jealous, he wants a relationship and children.. I want to bear his children and be with him forever. This hurts so much. I know that if I distance myself again the pain will go as it did last time. Why do I keep doing this?? I wish hetero men would treat me this well, they act so much like cavemen. I think it is hard as we women can often use our feminine charms to get what we want but in these situations it is frustrating to know that it won’t work!
We all feel your pain, Emotional. It seems as if it’s a catch-22 for us: If we want sex (of course we do, we’re human), we have to put up with the “cavemen” heteros; if we want to be treated properly, we must associate with gay men and forfeit the sex. What to do? No wonder we keep falling in love with them–gay men seen to know instinctively exactly how we DREAM of being treated by a man. Maybe some women have found the two combined in one man, but I am not one of them. I have no solution. All I know from experience is, there is a latent misogyny lurking just beneath the surface of many gay men (and many heteros, for that matter) that you don’t want to see. Push just a little too hard, and you may see it. I have seen it, and it is ugly and hurtful beyond belief. I’m afraid that most of the “love affairs” agonizingly described above will end badly before they end consummated physically in any way. Sorry to be such a downer.
I have been reading this post for a while listening to what everyone has to say about the way that they are feeling and feel sad and guilty to admit that I feel that same way. I was never led to believe that this relationship would become physical, in fact, I never really wanted it to become physical either. The real problem is that I have let other healthy relationships fall by the wayside because I am so involved in this one and it makes me sick.
Now that he has found someone I am constantly put on the backburner. Never will he commit to plans with my unless he knows that nothing more exciting will come along and when we are together all that we do is obsess on every little thing that his new boyfriend says.
I really feel angry with myself for letting this happen. Does anyone else feel as if there is some reason why we seek out these unhealthy relationships with people that will never fully love and appreciate us as women? If you have any advice on dealing with this, I would really appreciate it.
In my heart I feel as if I should greatly restrict my contact with him as more and more I am feeling used, but this scares me as well because I feel as if he is my best friend. It is a double edged sword and I am having extreme difficulty dealing with it.
So,I’m #63, yet another broken hearted woman who fell for her ‘gay’ best friend.
It all started 3 years ago, we met at school and became friends instantly, I ended up being the cover for his relationship with another (overly flamboyant) man. A year down the track, we were closer than ever, but as best friends..not anything more..we started to experiment, one thing lead to another and we somehow ended up in bed together, (no sex) it didn’t mean anything to either of us at the time and we just joked about it from then on. We were close than ever at this stage. He then left for 3 months to tour in a musical (he’s a dancer..but a very masculine one..well, as masculine as a dancer can be..) while he was gone he would message me everyday “I love you baby” “I don’t know how I’m coping without you, you complete me” I started to call him “the boyfriend you have when you’re not having a boyfriend” When he returner at the begining of 2008 we started to become more intimate,he told me he was IN love with me (which scared me a little) he’d kiss me, hold my hand, spoon in bed and tell me naughty details over late night phone calls.. it was just like any other relationship with a man i’ve ever had, the physical and emotional side..except this whole time he was still experimenting with men.
I couldn’t handle it and I confronted him and asked him ‘what we were’, to which he replied with tears rolling down his face’ i think we’re just friends’. My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces and we barely spoke to each other for a month.
But sure enough as time has passed, our relationship is back and more intense than ever, until last week. I got a phone call from him, he was sobbing and said that he urgently needed to see me. I was on my way out at the time to a formal function, and said i’d calll him later. He kept sobbing and said that he had had sex with a man for the first time that night and felt so dirty and ashamed that he couldnt go home and that he HAD to see me. I cut my night short and met him.
I would usually catch him staring at me and tonight was no acception. I could feel him watching, every time i looked up he was looking deeply into my eyes asif to say ‘i love you’, i knew what was coming and i knew exactly why he had to see me, he felt was in love with me.Again.
We went back to my house and as soon as we got into bed he was touching my body and kissing me all over, it was relaxed and playful, romantic and fun. It was the most relaxed night I have ever had, i felt so confident and safe with him, we started talking about the future, he said he wanted to be with me and we started to plan our ’secret relationship’
….but that was a week ago, and alot changed in a week..
He doesn’t know who he is, he told me there is no one else he wants to be with, but he is still confused. He is still in love with me he says;.
I love him too, but i dont think i can go through this heartache again, and not only that, i am having trouble thinking of him as a boyfriend knowing that he has been with another man,
and god forbid, should he ever leave me for a man, I told him he would lose me forever.
I said the balls in his court, we dont know whether to keep it as a friendship (which snt actually an option considering we’ve never been ‘just friends’) or to at least try it as a relationship
What do you lovely people think?
Do I give him time and space?
Do I just say leave it as friends so i always have him in my life or do I push for a relationship…
help
Well, here’s my 2 cents.
He sounds like he has a lot of programmed guilt about being with men, and he’s really not sure about his identity. You don’t sound like you’re willing to share him with men, assuming for the moment that he’s bi-sexual. (And, has he considered that he is simply bi-sexual?).
If he were heterosexual and his other affections were for women, your answer would be so much simpler. You’d obviously be blowing him off. If he were sure of his identity, this also would be easier.
Part of him doesn’t want to hurt you, but part of him is really confused as to why he is interested in men at ALL. I mean, to feel “dirty” about it? I suggest he go to therapy and sort that part out. He’s got to come to terms with his true identity, whatever it is, and love and accept that identity. And, you can stay by as a supportive friend while he works it out or not …. your choice.
But, I hear you on the pain. Be careful, he sounds like his affections are currently wavering like a candle in the wind. He’s very unstable. Perhaps you ought to view this as a relationship that is temporary for the time-being. But, I’m not sure what you’re getting out of it if so. Mother figure who helps him find himself? Not sure you need that. Of course, you are hoping he’ll want you for the rest of your life. And, these types “feel” their feelings perfectly …. and that is what we love about them. It is as if their feelings penetrate to their very soul. How endearing! So different than the hetero cavemen.
Someone else, please pipe up for this woman. I’m not sure my advice is complete.
Thanks for the feedback ‘onemoredreamer’
We have spoken about whether he might be bisexual before, he honestly doesn’t know. I remember before we became friends he was seeing a girl but since then he has spoken about her as a ‘cover up relationship’.
He lost his father as a young boy, was molested by a male family friend and has been raised strictly catholic, so part of him feels ashamed that he has feelings for men and has since become close friends with a priest who is trying to ’snap him out of it’ type thing..Keeping in mind be is only just 20, so obviously he is still figuring himself out.
Its an interesting one. The more time I give him to make up his mind, the more I want to say ‘lets just be friends’.
It’s hard to view it as a ‘temporary’ relationship when we’ve been this way for about 2 years, and we’ve both said it’s like we’ve been in a relationship without even realizing it.
Its hard because when I see him out,when he’s with all the overly flamboyant dancer boys, I can see that he fits in with that crowd. Its like he turns on his ‘gayness’, but when he is with me he is so masculine and takes control of the relationship.His whole persona changes.
Whats even harder is writing this, as i read my words, everything about it spells out GAY, but its just so hard to turn my back on this. So far today i’ve already received 3 ‘i love you’ txts and a ‘thinking of you, call me tonight’, he even wrote me a love song!
I guess the only way this will be resolved is if i ‘nip it in the bud’ because I think he’s too scared to say anything…
I go overseas next week, maybe I should leave it until i return to talk about this (I’m his date to a family function the day after I get back)…as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder….how fond…only time will tell I guess..
WOW. Im really not alone.
About a year ago I met this amazing, wonderful and gorgeous man.
I had only been out of drug / alcohol rehab about a week, and it was 5 days after my 18th birthday.
I show up to work and he introduces himself, tells me he’s my supervisor and trainer. We comunicated during work, on many topics. It was slow th so he picked my brain on various topics. Upon finding out im a writer , artist and musicain I struck his intrest and during the whole conversation he ” checked me out ” I thought he was absolutley gorgueos. 6′1 latino spiked brown hair beautiful brown eyes… I immeditley knew there was something there. At the end of the day, he wrote down his number on a piece of paper and asked me to please please please text him later.
So I did. He asked me to bring in some of my poetry because he was studying to be a english teacher and would love to ” get inside my head” he asked me my age, and I told him. Turns out he was 28, exactly 10 years older than me.
The next day I brong in my drawing and poems, and on his lunch break he read them. He came back nearly in tears , hugged me and told me he knew exactly how I felt , at the time I was stuggling with my own sexuality. He said ” im bi and I keep telling myself im gay cause its easier for my mom to understand”
That night he took me out for dinner and coffee. We talked for hours and went record shopping. To me it was the perfect date.
We texted all night and would stay up talking on the phone til 3, 4 am sometimes.
A few days later I saw him crying in his truck and went up to him and kissed him on the cheek. Turns out he was having money issues. And so I gave him 100 bucks, which he refused to take. So I hid it in his truck during our ciggarette break. That night we planned on meeting again because he was gonna chill at my photoshoot for an adult website.
As soon as I got in the truck he leaned over and kissed me. As corny as this sounds I had only been with girls and been kissed by only three men prior to him.
It was perfect and beautiful and romantic and sent shocks thru me. I had never felt so pretty.
At the end of the night we went back to his apartment and watched ( cute but corny ) the simpsons. Both of ours favourite tv show.
A few weeks went by and we got closer and closer. He was moving soon, to grand junction. About 3 hours away fron denver. I cried on him when he told me and he asked me if I would consider moving with him. I knew he had a boyfreind but I didn’t care.
So the night of his ” goodbye” party came, and I went with him. We danced all night and he didn’t pay attention to anyone but me. We kissed passionatly every few minutes. When we pulled up to my apartment we made out and before I knew it I was going down on him. We stayed outside my grans house for what seemed like forever “playing” and kissing.
Shortly after I got my own apartment. My first night there he came over and … well, lets just say I wasn’t a virgin anymore. It was beautiful and perfect and sweet and suprisingly innocent. We cuddled afterwards and he held me.
I was raped 3 times in my past so there was no “cherry” to pop.
He left and the next morning he left for vacation.
Me and his freinds went on a partying rampage while he was gone.
And I became an escort.
While he was gone he knew what I was doing, but didn’t approve. He call and text every chance he had but was in the mountains.
The night he came back he asked me if I was still moving with him and I promised him I would.
When he moved I went with him, along with my friend and his bff.
We moved him in and when everyone went to sleep, well… yet again.
I promised him I would be back with him before valentines day, a month away.
A week or so later I got horrible cramps and relised that it had been a month or so since I “lost it” *and no there was no protection invovled*
I went to the hospital and they told me Im pregnant and it looks like im miscarrying.
I went home crying and I started bleeding lightly. I decided not to tell him because he had admitted to me that he wanted marriage and kids. It would break his heart.
Well, his bf broke up with him on febuary 1st. So he came home. To me. I was sooo happy.
Well, for about a day.
He met a boy and ” fell in love at first sight” . The way I felt about him.
I got depressed and refused to get out of bed.
Again, I got horrible stomache pains.
So I went to a much better high end hospital. And I find out I didn’t miscarry. And that I was currently misscarring due to stress. I cried my eyes out went home woke him up and told him it was just a uti. He said ok and that he loves me and he kissed me and held my tummy for a minute. Which I thought was weird.
I went in the bathroom and felt fluid and lumps of blood coming out of me. Again, I didn’t want him to know.
Noone knew, until a month later when my best frein told him about the first hospital visit.
I just told him the whole story last month.
He moved out in august, after 3 failed realationships.
Now he’s happy with his boyfreind. And swears im his #1 girl.
But he also tells me he’s gay now, and won’t give me a chance.
We had sex once in may, and that was the last time.
Tomorows my 19th birthday, and all I want is him to tell me he’s gonna give me a chance. But he won’t.
We see each other everyday, he says im his best freind, his “sister”.
I call him my bff and my “big brother.”
But everytime we stop to look in each others eyes, I feel something and I know he does too.
I have no family, and he’s all I got. Except for my one freind I’ve known since we were 10.
He’s my everything, my all.
He always will be.
If anyone wants to chat or knows how I feel, 720 939 2901
Or nicolemarchese@Tmail.com
The women here are right. I’m like an ego-boost4 my gay friend whom I have fallen in love with…I look good on his arm. When we are together, guys who think we’re partners are always telling him he’s lucky to have me…except he doesn’t want me. I am everything he could want but I don’t have a penis.
I prayed that my gay friend would want to be with me but I have given up, with the help of this forum. It has been so difficult, I haven’t been able to speak to anyone. My friends are very homophobic and would also judge me because I have a partner.
The way I feel about my gay-friend is not a result of me having problems with my partner. This man who happens to be gay, is simply perfect in my eyes. I thought, he was the one. I would even have had his child and believe me, the thought of having children terrified me before this.
It started 6 months ago. I met him at work and fell for him immediately. We became close so quickly, it felt like our souls were connected. I didn’t believe in soul-mates before I met him.
Soon after, he told me he was bi. I was surpised and disappointed because he always acted like he had a massive crush on me. He has had many girlfriends but in the past few years, he has been with all men. He insisted he was bi and interested in girls in a small way, which did give me hope.
I know I was clinging to so little but he is amazing in every way and I honestly could handle him being bi-sexual if he loved me like a lover should.
He told me he loved me. He meant as a friend.
I really did think that he might have fallen IN love with me…
One night when we were out, he told me out of every woman he knew, he found only me attractive. I felt so beautiful and that gave me hope and later, I told him I had feelings for him. He told me he really liked me as well but he was confused after his ex cheated on him. I helped him through all of that and he kept saying how amazing I had been.
But he also said he wouldn’t want to split up me and my boyfriend, who I have been with for a very long time. I reckon he is also scared of my huge angry boyfriend but that aside, I said I was happy with just being friends.
And then he hurt me so much. I can not describe the grief here, it would take too long.
He could have just said there would never be a chance for us but he said maybe. Kept me hoping.
After we opened up to eachother, I expected things to change. I guess I hoped that he would realise how much he wanted to be with me. But instead he pretended like we NEVER spoke about our feelings at all.
Then he literally went mad after men…he showed me the pictures of him kissing various guys every night. I had never seen that side of him before. Then I found out he had been deeply in love with a man and still held out hope for them.
I tried to give myself space from him but he just kept texting me, and calling me, pretending nothing had happened again.
The nail in the coffin came when he introduced me to a guy he was dating at a house party. I was too scared to dance with my friend because I didn’t want to get tempted but he pulled me close, infront of his date and I felt he had an erection. I jumped off of him. I was so confused, I left the party and tried to sleep in his room.
Later, I got out of the bed because I couldn’t sleep.
He jumps in after. INFRONT OF ME, they’re in bed together.
I have never been so hurt in my whole life.
I left in the middle of the night, still drunk but he didn’t care how dangerous it was for me to get home. He was too busy with his date.
Since then I have told him that we are nothing more than work-mates.
Still, he pretends nothing has happened. He text me.
And he has been really distant with his date.
But I found the strength to tell him to leave me alone. THANKYOU GOD.
I was so alone. So hopeless.
I was on msn and he’s there too but we aren’t speaking. It’s killing me.
And then he changes his screen-name suddenly.
I look up the song-
“I love you…I can’t live without you…God, I need you.”
I prayed he meant that for me. Honestly, I thought it was was but I can’t ask him.
I’ve been rejected too many times.
He even had OUR picture up on his social networking sight.
I’m his phone wallpaper.
Believe me he has TONNES of friends. Why me?
Here I am, pouring my heart out.
Please, read this because I am so alone. Who else can I talk to? My friends could not understand. They would be disgusted. How could I have fallen for a guy who puts his penis in other men?
I have been with my boyfriend for many years. I will love him forever and I would trust him with my life. He is very clever and handsome and everything else one could want. Except he gets annoyed at me all of the time. And he always does the talking.
Essentially, he is decent. I know this. He enjoys my company and he is wise.
But my heart does not flip when he touches me. It never has. I felt warm when I was with him but there was never a raw passion with us. I have loved two guys with a passion. One rejected me. I was used by the second.
But now I have fallen in love with my gay friend. I have felt like this for six months.
He is the most caring, charming, beautiful guy I have ever met. We are so similar. I even thought we were soul-mates. But in being so similar, we even fancy the same men.
When we first met, I found his shyness and amazing eyes attractive. As I got to know him more, I got to love everything about him. Nobody else on this earth, has ever smiled at me the way he does when he greets me.
Then, he told me he was gay…well, “bisexual.” He has had many girlfriends. He had sex with one girl in the past. He preferred the sex with her because they were so close. But he lusted after the men he was with. HE HAD SEX WITH A MAN AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
I thought there may have been a small chance for us…he told me a small part of him found women attractive…Then one night we were out and he told me he was not interested in any women, EXCEPT ONES WHO LOOK LIKE ME. This was when he was with another man.
I actually thought I might be special.
We were drunk and we didn’t talk about what he said. But later, I caved in-told him I was in love with him. He said he really liked me but he was confused and didn’t want to split me and my boyfriend up.
I thought I could cope. I thought that I would leave things for now and be together one day. I WOULD HAVE WAITED. I would have married him. I would have had his child. Even saying that shocks me. The thought of marriage and children has terrified me before this.
We have a mutual straight friend. She’s amazing, and because of her, I have to see him because neither of us wants to make things awkward for her. He confides in her…she tells me what he has told her. They have a different relationship to him and I. I feel they love one another as friends. They don’t appear to find each other attractive. They fight like children. But I sometimes worry, perhaps she does like him. Just in case, I can’t tell her how I feel about him. They have kissed on numerous occasions, although only for dares. What if she did ever have real feelings for him though? I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I’m scared that maybe he rejected her and she would hate me because he found me attractive.
I know that sounds stupid.
He told her, that he was in love with his ex, a man. He was too CHICKEN SHIT to tell me, even though we were supposed to be honest with each-other.
I tried to ignore him after that but he made it impossible. He text me sweet little things. And I gave in. I talked to him again.
Things were fine, until he went out, to his usual gay bar. He met a guy and they spent a week together. The guy is from abroad, so he stayed with my friend, whilst on holiday.
I met this guy at a house party. He is truly wonderful-intelligent, handsome…gay. He & I had so much in common-we seemed to get along better than even him and my friend. I know what my friend sees in him.
At the party, I watched as the gay man I’m in love with and our mutual friend danced. I felt pity for his guest, as he stood there watching. I even danced with his guest. I may love my friend but I would not want to hurt the man he is with. I want him to be happy.
That’s how much I love my friend.
I danced with my friend at one point…THIS DANCE WAS NOT HOW ONE WOULD DANCE WITH THEIR FRIENDS. He had an erection as he pulled me next to him. I had to pull away. I felt immense guilt as his guest stood in front of us, his back turned.
And then my friend hurt me. He left me, cold and tired, to make my way home alone. I had to leave. I could not stay at his place, because he was in bed with his guest. This man had his arms around my friend. They were talking like lovers to one another.
I got up. I left.
And MY GAY FRIEND…THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME SO MUCH, MY “SOUL MATE,” LET ME WALK HOME ALONE AT 5AM. HE LET ME WATCH AS HE LAY IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN.
I didn’t care how dangerous it was for me to wander home, still drunk in the dark. I was distraught.
I told him I would have to forget about him. But I had to see him again.
And another bombshell hit me. This man he went to bed with was in love with him.
AGAIN, he didn’t have the GUTS to tell me the truth.
I saw him again, at dinner, one last time. I wanted to make him see what he was missing. I looked as good as I could. I’m young, I’m pretty, I’m as tall as a model and I have a slim figure. But he didn’t look at me like he lusted me.
I have never seen him look as good. I felt my heart break as we ate.
He didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just ran off.
He does find me attractive. I know he does. When we were out together, one stranger asked were we together. When he said no, they said he would be very lucky if we were because I’m beautiful.
He tells me I’m beautiful, and that I look like his favourite model.
He would have sex with me, I bet he would. But he would leave me for a man.
I feel as though he’s the most amazing man alive. But in truth, he’s as bad as any straight guy. He is THOUGHTLESS AND INCONSIDERATE.
HE SEES ME AS AN OBJECT. HE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME. BUT HE WILL ONLY LOVE ME AS A FRIEND.
HE DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE ME. BUT HE ALSO FLIRTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
HE DOESN’T PUT ME ABOVE ANYONE.
I’ve realised now, he only contacts me because he probably is bored. He tells me what he’s up to, even when he IS ON dates with men but maybe only because he needs fulfiment when he realises A MAN will never LOVE him like a woman could. I realise now that there is NOTHING like a woman’s love.
Men are unfeeling creatures.
But I can not continue to fulfil his needs. HIS EMOTIONAL VOID.
I CAN NOT SUFFER ANYMORE.
Okay, I was very angry when I wrote that a week ago and some of it sounds really harsh. I’m sorry. I saved it, meaning to post it before but backed out. I have been ignoring him for a week now and it has been the best decision I have made. I plucked up the courage to tell him to leave me alone when he tried to contact me. I really had given up all hope. Then he posts the words to a song on his msn, “I love you…can’t live without you…God I need you…I want to hold you.”
I swear it was directed at me, only because he changed it whilst I was online and ignoring him.
Well, today I found out he has 2 kids. 9 and 6. Im heartbroken . He told me the only reason im not good enough is cause im not a man. Please god someone help me.
Hi Nicole I read your story and I feel 4u so much. I’m so sorry about ur miscarriage honey.
I’m not that much older than u. But when was 18 I can tell you I was a lot more emotional than I am now and was very, very heartbroken by someone who I was with. It’s easier to be heartbroken when you’re younger. In a few years you will be so mmuch stronger.
This guy went behind my back with my friend. He rejected me and he was straight. Sometimes, men decide they don’t want to be with us for whatever reason, straight or bi-sexual, they are still men.
You trusted this man so much. That’s the main problem. Never trust a man one hundred per cent honey. You had unprotected sex with him. He is TEN years older than you, why didn’t he take some responsibility and use a condom? He has had sex with men and there is always the danger that he didn’t use protection with them. You don’t want to get any STIs off of him. So if you do sleep with him again, be careful. You don’t want to go through the pain of a miscarriage twice.
I know how frustrating it is to think you are perfect for him every way except for sexually. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you have to remember that. You must be very, very special. A man who normally falls for men has fallen for YOU. That says a lot about you. You must be very beautiful on the outside but mostly, on the inside because he loves your soul. If he doesn’t love your body, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I read that you came out of rehab. I hope to God that you don’t turn to the drink or dugs again. You have been through a lot in your life. This man should be HELPING you. Tell HIM THAT. He should be there for you. He should know that you need support, you do not need a man who is confused.
I think the only way you could have a chance of being with him is to talk to him openly. Tell him that you need him to be your rock. He can not expect you to be his councillor. You DON’T BE SCARED. If you’re angry, tell him that. Open your heart to him. It can’t make you feel any worse.
You have been through the worst because you know the truth about his kids now and that somehow he has made you feel you aren’t good enough.
Well, last night in a semi drunken rage…
I admitted to him that im dying, and all I’ve wanted was to be happy for once in my life, before I die.
And he still rejects me.
Its odd how someone who once wanted you, now loves you as a freind and that’s all
Its exactly what he’s done to me and if I wasn’t already dying id already have committed suicide
Plus im his boss at the moment. I give him 300 - 400 dollars a day.
He’s my “security” guard I guess, consider im still a fucking prostitute.
He loves me as a freind
He swears its nothing more
He swears it never will be
So why do I feel like this?
It must be so hard to keep having to see him. I have to see the guy I’m in love with too. I hate seeing him cos I miss him so much now. But the best thing 4u 2 do is block him out. You know, it will be better for u because he may eventually realise how much you mean 2 him. Don’t let him have everything on his terms. If you ignore him for a while, he will start to appreciate u xxx
Yea. I just can’t stay away I love him too much. He’s the best thing I have in my life.
I know it’s