So Scott is a Cancer and in a classic “piss off mommy” move, he told his mother, over dinner that I said they were married. ::laughs::

Now I did say that and I have for many years, but what’s he doing telling her, huh?

Well, I’ll tell you. I have been her nemesis, the bane of her existence for 30 plus years. I just won’t leave her baby alone, see? So what’s Scott do? He feeds this. He does and he always has. He baits everyone and when I call him on it we both laugh like hell. And it hasn’t always been this way. He’s used to deny it but that’s worn thin.

So we were talking about his latest move… I accused him of “elder abuse” for torturing his mother like this and he copped:

“I like women when they’re out of control. When they laugh, get really mad, or have an orgasm, that is. That’s what I like to see, Elsie. So sometimes I do bait you…”

So I just wanted to post this in regards to my temper. And I just wanted to ask you guys if you relate.

And for the record, Scott has a Venus, Mars, Pluto conjunction. So he perfectly capable of being a manipulative prick! Not that I am complaining. It’s one of the things I enjoy about him.

“I love to get a rise out of you, Elsie,” he’ll say.

“Oh shut the fuck up!”

“That’s what I mean.”

“I said shut up before I kill you, Scott and you ought be taking me very seriously, you bastard…”

“Yep, that’s what I like…”

::shakes head::

So is anyone else gonna cop to pulling shit like this? Come on man. I know you’re out there.

This is a public service announcement for astrologers and the people who hire them:

There is nothing I like better than dealing with the brilliant and I had a client like this, yesterday. Now I do phone consultations, 30 min or an hour. And it may be surprising but 30 minutes is frequently plenty because I am a very focused person who doesn’t mince words. You know. You put your money down, I am going to deliver. There is no question about it.

So for the person on the other end of the phone… well, there is only go to be so much they can absorb. And I can sense this. So sometimes the 2nd half hour of an hour consultation is mostly repetitive because the client is already saturated.

Now other times and hour is perfect. It just depends on what information is being exchanged. But back to yesterday’s gal and her brilliance.

I worked with her open-ended. I wasn’t sure how long it would take… and it took a half hour. I was satisfied on my end. I felt I was concise and effective and gave a solid reading. Then this morning she emailed.

She said she was very satisfied, but that she would like to pay me for an hour. But here’s the thing…

She wanted to do the next 30 minutes in two weeks, after she’d had time to assimilate. How smart is that? It’s smart! I have been doing consultations for 15 years and no one has thought of this yet. And it’s so perfect. Because I’ll tell you what happens.

You get off the phone with an astrologer, and it’s generally very concentrated. It sure as hell is, if you consult with me. So three days later something seeps in. Eureka! That’s what she meant! And maybe you have a question. Or maybe you would like some clarification around some point.

Well too bad! You can’t have it. Your time is up unless you schedule another consultation which is this big commitment.

And I think this probably happens nearly 100% of the time. A few days after the fact, clients are left wishing they could get one more bit. So I love what this woman has come up with, enough to take the time to write this blog and tell others…

Want to get the most from your astrology consultation? Ask your astrologer to hit you with their best shot. Then go be with it for a week or two. Then come back with a progress report and ask them to hit you again. Two punches like that and you’ll probably change your life.

Dear Friend,

You sound like a great friend! Patient, loving and kind and I think this gal has been lucky to have you in her life because she sounds a bit spoiled and self-absorbed which is her problem, entirely.

Now you are primarily Scorpio and Capricorn which means you are loyal, responsible and can take a lot of shit. These are good qualities right up until they do you in, and I think what you really need is permission to let this girl go. So here it is:

It is okay to let this girl go! Some relationships simply fade - plus it sounds like your new man is offering something that is feeding you on a much deeper level. So I would suggest you focus your energy on him and let this girl figure it out. Or not!

I mean it’s very nice that you have acted big sister to her, but by now she’s an adult, yes? So it’s time for her to be a friend, rather than just have a friend. And if she can’t clutch it up, I would just let her slip through my fingers. Because think about it.

You’re happy right now, which doesn’t come all that easy to Scorpio or Capricorn. And you only have so many friend-slots in your life, so why waste one of them on someone who doesn’t cheer you when you finally manage to win?

You really do sound terrific. Let her go… understanding that if she’s got the stuff, she’ll come to you and heal the relationship. Meantime, look for a much better friend. One who is feels happy when you’re happy.

Much love and good luck.

~~
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I have Saturn transiting my 7th house which means I am learning about how I relate to others. And I am in contact with three men, past and present loves and Scott in particular has marveled and made me aware of how the relationships in no way resemble each other.

For example, Scott gets a little ticked sometimes because he thinks I treat the AMF better than I ever treated him, though I was with him on and off for 17 years.

“How come you never cut me that kind of slack?” he asked. “If you’d have treated me like that, we might have gotten along!”

And he’s right! I do treat the AMF better than I ever treated him and there is nothing I can do about it. I am moved and motivated to extend myself where the AMF is concerned far beyond what I’ve ever been willing to do previously. And astrology illustrates this, of course.

The Special Forces guy? I flare like crazy against him. His Mars is square my Mars and I am always ready to fight. Fight with him or against him, it makes no difference. I am zero to sixty in a nanosecond… whoosh!

In comparison, the AMF and I have our Mars conjunct and when there is conflict, I am always ready to compromise.

Scott and I have no Mars aspects and it’s sort of like we’re standing there looking at each other and it sounds like this:

“What are you doing?”

“What do you mean what am I doing? What are you doing?”

“Wondering what you’re doing! So what are you doing? I have no idea what you’re doing. What the fuck are you doing, anyway?”

“What do you mean, what the fuck am I doing? I’m asking you what you’re doing!”

So I mention I would take a bullet in the chest and the Special Forces guys states very plainly, “I have never met the passive Elsa.”

And it is difficult to answer this because it’s true and it just is. And I would be crazy trying to figure it out if not for astrology and the perfect map it provided.

So what about you? Have you ever noticed yourself fighting one person tooth and nail while you consistently extend yourself to another?

Here’s astrologer, Molly Cliborne’s blog, “North Node”. She doesn’t blog that often but when she does, her work feels comprehensive and well researched. She also has tutorials on a variety of topics and moderates the astrology message board, nodearama.

Nina Gryphon is a prolific writer who covers a variety of topics on her blog at Gryphon Astrology. She also offers free astrology advice using horary techniques. She gives a detailed analysis so if you’re interesting in learning horary astrology, she’s a must read and further, she has one of most attractive astrology blogs around.

And check out, Jude Cowell’s blog “Stars Over Washington” which has the the best tagline in the world, “Astrological comments on America, on Washington DC, and on the Politicians who infest them…” I get a kick out of her writing. She manages to sound as if she is reading the news, which seems a nifty tricky trick.

Enjoy!

Dear Canadian,

You sound very happy. I am happy for you and I don’t think you’re crazy. Matter of fact, I think you’re fifty years old and by now you know what you want.

I am also aware of more than one couple who moved continents for love with good result, and considering that along with the fact the friends and families are involved and you do not have a chart that shrieks, “This person deludes themselves,” I am going to take your question very seriously.

People who meet online get in trouble when they leave out enormous chunks of who they are. It’s so easy to edit your life. And although it seems you are both communicating in a way that is very authentic, the fact is your relationship at this point is still a stylized version of reality. You could compare it to an airbrushed photograph. It’s real, but not really.

And to be very candid, although three weeks is not three days, I am pretty sure it’ll be a whirlwind and this is the bottom line:

You are not going to know if you can function in a relationship with this man on a day to day basis until you are functioning in a day to day relationship with this man. And that means he has to move, if this is what you’ve decided. And if that happens, the thing will be real… for real.

And you will have to deal with his crap lying around. You will have to accommodate his actual person. You will have to cope with his moods and quirks, the fact he does not clean out the bathtub and vice versa. He will have to cope with you.

So I say, go forward. And you say you can bend, so I would exploit this talent by bending over backwards to expose this man to as much of the real you as possible. In other words, lose the girdle. Tell him, “I am this fat, I smoke this many cigarettes, I binge on ice cream, I gamble…” and whatever else you may not be reporting. Encourage him to do the same and good luck!

~~
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The other day I was watching a war movie with the AMF. I like war movies, however I don’t like this one, “The Thin Red Line”. But we were watching it anyway. And there is a point in the movie right before all the fighting starts where the first two soldiers go up on the ridge and get killed. Pop! Pop! They both fall.

Seeing this, I told the AMF if I were in the situation, this is what I would want, and what I would probably do. Stand up on the battlefield, that is and take a shot in the chest. “Hopefully a good one,” I said. “Kill me all the way and instantly.”

He didn’t say much. I assumed he understood. I would just not want to go through all the gore that I would imagine were ahead. I’ve already seen quite a bit of gore and I’m just not that interested. I would readily submit to death with no desire to fight at all.

So that was that, but a few days later I mentioned this in an email to my ex, the Special Forces guy. And I’m not sure what all kind of feelings he had about it, but I imagine he was appalled at least temporarily. And this was his response:

It’s part of that duality of yours that perplexes me to infinity. Like you said, you would just stand up and take a bullet… unless it were me shooting it… then you would charge up the hill through artillery fire, pissed off to no end!

And he is exactly right. If he were to have the audacity to shoot at me, I would be up over that ridge with my blood boiling, ready to pummel him. This is the guy I swung the motorcycle helmet at and believe me, I was not fucking around!

So I got to thinking…

Well I was already thinking about Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. I am pretty sure almost anyone can be inspired to violence. Some people can really piss a normally peaceful person off. And I am not claiming to be peaceful. I am anything but! I would take the bullet because I am tired, not peaceful!

But anyway, I thought this was a good story that it vividly illustrates how certain people can affect you in ways that are profound. Because I have been thinking about this for a week now and I can’t think of anyone in the world I would charge up that hill to confront, outside of this one man. Seriously! He should not fuck with me, but if any of the rest of you would like to shoot me, go right ahead!

Dear Sagittarian,

I don’t blame you for being intimidated. I am pretty sure I would be intimidated of me too! But if you read here long enough, I think it becomes apparent my focus is on helping whoever shows up and once you see my motives are clean, I think it becomes easier to deal with me. But on to your problem…

This is no way to live. Especially for a double Sagittarius! You’re supposed to be righteous, you know. But I see Saturn in your chart and understand your fear. You’re like that horse stuck in a hole which is a gut-wrenching picture… so I am going to try to get you out of there and if you find yourself loose - for Godsakes, run!

Now you have to play to your strengths and you have five planets in Sadge. So what are your strengths? One of them is storytelling! So how about I tell you a story?

This is the story of your greatest fear. Let’s say your man cheats on you. Not only does he cheat, but you find out like this woman did, that he is cheating with multiple partners! And not only that. One of them is your sister and the other your cousin! And one more thing! He screwed your best friend as well and your second best friend and her sister and her sister’s dog!

Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

But think about it. What if that actually happened? If every single thing I just wrote were to occur, what would come next in the story, huh?

Would you die?

No…

Would you kill him?

No… I mean you may want to, but you’re not a killer.

The fact is, if all this happened, it would get you FREE. Isn’t that funny? Because if he did all this… you’d just up and leave him! And further, you’d have a hell of a story to tell wouldn’t you? So you’re coming out okay, don’t you think? I think so! And I think like a Sadge! And I think you ought to think like a Sadge as well, because you’re the one with Mercury (the mind) in Sagittarius!

So can you do it? Of course. Will you do it? I hope so. And yes. Tell your Sagittarius boyfriend (who is supposed to travel) to change his password. Tell him the Sagittarius truth so you can both be free Sagittarians. Scared to do that? Think of the story…

“I told him I read his email and that was it! He left me in two seconds and after that, I…”

See? Life is an adventure and the adventure goes on. And one more thing.

If you do get your high mind back, for Godsakes when you see another sink hole… an exposed password for example, stay way, way, way back. Just keep that horse picture in your head and that ought do it.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

I am pretty sure your boyfriend is not going to give up porn. I am also pretty sure he has been looking at porn all along… and you are just becoming aware of this because you live together now and you find out these sorts of things. So what to do?

Well, it sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend are not very sexually compatible. And this may be something you could work on if the rest of the relationship was terrific, but it doesn’t sound like it is. In fact, you sound bored out of your mind. You sound as if you’ve lost interest in him and it might be best for both of you if you consider moving on.

As for what to look for… well you are 20 years old and you have a bunch of Sagittarius in your chart. This life is an adventure. And I think you would be much happier seeing what’s up ahead, rather than staying where you are and being the porn police for this man. What do you think?

Also if you get out now, you can probably stay friends with this guy, which is another Sagittarian thing. And considering your diminished interest in having sex with him, this does seem to be the way the relationship is flowing. Friends not lovers, that is. Make the switch and his porn will no longer be your problem.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Holding Pattern,

I would definitely speak up and I could probably sit here all day and list reasons why, but this is an advice column and is supposed to be a short format! So how about I just throw a few things up here and you can peruse them.

First off, life is short. It is way too short to be coy, especially when you have Mars in Leo in the first house like you do. You’re a hunter, girl! Go after what you want. A passive Mars in Leo? That scares me. Tell him how you feel and see what’s he’s got to say.

See, you have a Pisces Moon and consequently there is a tendency to act as a doormat and sacrifice yourself. And if you think about this, you can see this is what you’re doing. You are the one next to him. You are the one taking care of him no doubt, yet she is his girlfriend! Sounds like, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride” to me. How would you like that for a future?

If it sounds good, keep doing what you’re doing. If this pisses you off, which I hope it does, then perhaps you will be spurred to action. In either case, your Saturn Return is underway. And that means it’s time to figure out what kind of adult you are going to be. So which is it? Bride or bridesmaid?

I think you have way too much Leo to be standing in the shadow. I say, find out if this guy has similar feelings. If so, you’re in. If not, move along! And one more thing…

Just be aware that men who keep their girlfriends in other countries are usually not the best prospects for long term commitment…

Good luck.

~~
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