Porn Addiction In A Gay Relationship: Cancer Sun, Pluto Uranus Square Mercury and the Moon
Dear Elsa,
I am in a gay relationship. My partner and I argue a lot, and sometimes it comes to blows. It all boils down to sex. He is addicted to porn, and he masturbates when I am not here. But when it comes to us having sex, he decides when and how we do.
When I say he has an addiction to porn, his defense is that I am addicted to Cigs. I understand I have an addiction, but his addiction is interfering with our relationship. What do I do? How do you cope with something like this? I love him with all my heart and have made changes that I would never have made for anyone else.
I know this is a one-sided story and I know his side would be different. Like he says that we argue too much and it draws him away from me. Which may be true. But at least I try and put a step closer to fixing the problem, which he doesn’t. I just want the arguments to stop. I want us to have a normal healthy relationship. But I don’t know if it can be saved at this point. I know I do want to save it because when things are not heated, they are great except for the sex.
What can I do to not feel the way I do about porn? How can I be patient with him and try and fix our relationship? PLEASE HELP!
Sinking
Dear Sinking,
The issues here are yours and I don’t say that to attack you. It is you writing me for advice, so it is you I am going to try to assist and empower, first with the addiction question.
I am sorry to tell you, but I agree with your partner. He is an addicted person and you are an addicted person. You are addicted to cigarettes but I would venture to guess you are addicted to him as well. Just think about it, okay? Don’t you crave him? I think you do.
And my point is this: You are a mess. He is a mess. I am a mess and so is everyone else on this planet! And if you’re going to love someone you are going to have to deal with them as they are. With their messes, this is. And it seems you are willing and wanting to do this. You are not saying “get rid of the porn!” If would be fine with me if you did, but you are asking for ways to cope, and grow and transcend, so I am going to try to help you with that.
First, around getting upset over his masturbation, you can change your perspective. Because the fact is, it is his dick. And what he does with his dick is his business.
If this confuses you, just consider your lungs. Whose lungs are they? They’re your lungs. Do you need me telling you what to do with your lungs? Of course not. And he does not need your advice about his dick, either. So just see if you can detach from this. You like to smoke and he likes to beat off. Do you still love him? I bet you do. So just go with that. You love a guy who likes to beat off. He loves a guy who smokes… and none of this makes the sky fall.
Next question: How to change the way you feel about porn…
Well, judging from your chart, with Pluto and Uranus square your Moon and Mercury, I think you may be secretly very interested in all this taboo but repressing it. And this is probably one of the reasons you are so enamored with this man. He experiments! He goes where he is not supposed to go!! And I am suggesting in trying to control him you are actually trying to control yourself.
Try to think along these lines… if you can. And you can. But you’ve got to be willing to innovate here. And to grow. Because it sounds to me like someone tried to control your dick at one time and you are now inflicting this same trauma on your partner.
Is there a way you love each other and both be free? I’d say yes.
Good luck.
~~
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4 Responses to “Porn Addiction In A Gay Relationship: Cancer Sun, Pluto Uranus Square Mercury and the Moon”
Could you elaborate on the Pluto/Uranus square to the Moon? I’ve seen so many interpretations of this aspect and can’t relate to any of them.
Also, Sinking, may I suggest that you read up on Codependent relationships? I’m saying this as someone who relates to being addicted to a person. I think you might find reading on it very enlightening. Painful but enlightening.
Elsa, you rock.
my first thought at reading “My partner and I argue a lot, and sometimes it comes to blows”….get out. That is never a healthy way to have a relationship. EVER!
But that is just me. And yes I have been abused. And I got out as soon as I saw an opening.
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@Elsa
dam’n you’re blunt… and i love it…
” it’s his dick… his business ”
Genial… i wouldn’t think of such reaction in a million lightyears
@actual person
You say his problem is interfering with your relationship… Hmm, most ppl (i agree more men then women) give themselves pleasures in the absence of their partner… i think you would prefer he does it to himself then he cheats on you (but that’s not the point)… But what i wanted to say is, some have little imagination and use stimuli who are there on the net, ready to look at…
I would have problems with the fact that my partner (in my case she, as i am a straight Cancer male) would call the shots in sexual matters, hell in any matters… I mean, there has to be equality… so, make this clear and say you want decision power too…
Porn doesn’t turn you on… fine… Are you may be afraid he finds more excitement in watching other stuff then being busy with you?
Try to have an open conversation, instead of pointing at each others addictions…
Good Luck
Jas