I’m not sure I agree. I would focus on your relationship now, your feelings for him now, the way he makes you feel and behaves towards you now. If that is indeed insensitive I agree with Elsa, move on.People sometimes do make stupid mistakes though, and once they’re done they’re done. I can speak for myself that I had an affair, while I could have recognised it as my relationship not working anymore (and I did leave- which has been good), but I have friends who had flings that in the long-term plan meant absolutely nothing at all. And I really mean nothing. They are in loving respectful relationships and they wouldn’t trade in their partners for anything in the world. In their case lovers come and they disappear into thin air: evaporate.

*hugs* Brutal stuff. But I’m with Elsa on this too.

this letter really hit home for me. that fear and shell of a person. that lost and lack of trust. so i guess what we need to do is be present, yeah, we did this stupid thing (moved to a place we would never choose to be) for a man. an unworthy man. but we are here now. if it wasnt for him then, hmmmm, what could it be for? i try to look at that, when i am not moping, as some kind of new adventure. good luck to her and me both.

I agree with Elsa, but I also have to add that shit happens, and you have to make the grand decision about how you will let that shit affect you. Sometimes it’s not worth wading through the manure. Sometimes it is. Because people sometimes just screw up.

So if he is truly remorseful (which it doesn’t really sound like he is), then there’s a chance, but not at the sacrifice of your self-worth. Bruised, sure. But shattered?

She’s given you the path, but the choice is always yours.

I’m going to jump in this, too - just for fun. I agree with Amber, Marly (love the $ analogy) and Daeshii here. I don’t think that an affair should always equal the point of no return, and maybe that’s because I’ve had one (though I’d never do it again) but my feelings run both ways. If my husband had an affair, I would not automatically throw in the towel. I don’t really consider an affair to be doomsday. Shit happens, as someone else here said. Humans are imperfect!, they fuck up, make mistakes and have their own lessons to learn individually - apart from their partners. I myself question whether monogamy is even natural, or simply an erroneous social construct created by the church and imposed on society. Now obviously everyone has different needs but ONE person FOREVER is hard to do no matter who you are, IMO. And I realize what some people would say to that but for the sake of length and pertinence I’m not going to address it but the point here is: by my beliefs at least, it ain’t the end of the world. Zoom out and look at the larger picture, but by all means if your man is being an insensitve dick and totally discounting your emotions then that is a different matter altogether, which has nothing to do with the actual affair. That is more a matter of respect, I would think. But look, if I knew I was someone who HAD to have an absolutely monogamous relationship and I knew I could never get past this type of betrayal (nothing wrong with that, either!!), then I would quit wasting time, heal myself up, and find me somethin’ better - as Elsa recommended. Just think before you abandon eight years, and don’t let the reason you do it be some mindfuck that has been placed on you by a pathological society. That’s all I’m saying. Life is not so serious or black and white as we tend to make it.

it’s a hard decision, to know what to do. the question i would be asking myself if i were you: are you staying because you want to try and work things out with this man, or because you’re afraid to leave?

answer that and you’ll know where to direct your energy right now.

Im with elsa if you truly love someone you cherish them not hurt them with an affair.It is worlds better on the other side been there too!!