Right now Saturn is exactly conjuncting my natal Su and making an exact square to my natal Saturn in Taurus. (I have a natal 11HSaturn/2HSun square–yup, it’s a motherfucker and it hurts.) I am evaluating my identity (Sun) in terms of my values (2H) in friendships (11H) and I’m feeling very self-critical (Saturn, Saturn, Saturn!!) Recently in therapy I had an insight concerning my lack of loyalty in friendships and it’s directly due to trauma (Saturn square!) due to an abusive father. Due to the abuse, I have lost touch with my righteous sense of indignation (Leo, anyone?) needed to stand up for myself and for my friends when others put them down. Oh, yes. It hurts. I feel somewhat ashamed bc I feel spineless but my therapist and stuff I’ve been reading about the aftermath of abuse has helped me understand that this is a typical response to trauma. Trauma causes a dissociative response in the victim (”this can’t be happening”) that naturally makes the victim need to reach out to the closest person available for comfort… and usually that person is the abuser. The abuser (often though not always) in turn feels remorse after the abuse and by that time tries to make amends and be “nicer” to the victim. The victim, in shock, accepts the comfort. Another consequence of trauma is reenactment, which is why victims of child abuse often pick abusive partners over and over again as they grow up. So, understanding that my reactions are partly due to the way that humans are wired (these responses have also been observed in primates!! Yes, there are dysfunctional primate family units) has helped me be a wee bit more compassionat to myself. (Oh, yeah, I am undergoing my Pluto square n. Pluto transit which activates my t-square comprised of 12H Venus in Gemini, 3HPluto/Uranus in Virgo opp. 9HMoon in Pisces.) One of my fears is that I will overreact against others (esp. males) due to this realization. I’m hoping the Mars/Saturn conjunction will give me a boost of controlled energy, though. I think that’s it.

que sera, sera…

hi Elsa I am sorry to hear/read about how much you’ve suffered alongside your daughter…but that you share it with all of those who read your blog is incredible so many would never have the courage to admit to things being less than perfect - so speaking for people who get respect, you’re one of them! Saturn transits are tough stuff and its taking Saturn traipsing through both Cancer (my 6th house) and Leo (7th house) to bring that home, as in really to close to home for any I say ANY kind of comfort…the support is very little but where it stems from is deep and real so given that it helps with the Saturn transit housing cleaning of that is occurring…its a painful letting go of the things not essential and opening up space for the truth to come…I read another site that put this spin on Saturn transits through Leo - its alchemy of changing the lead into gold…I like that “theme”, don’t you? I’ll keep that in mind as I continue through what I hope will be the last year of the most painful transitional period (i.e., the last 4 yrs)of my life…good luck with your daughters healing as well as your own. much respect.