Dearest Elsa,

I’ve been divorced for a few years now.

When I married, I was a single parent and my son’s biological father was not in the picture. My new husband became my son’s step-father. All along whenever my son had questions about bio-dad, I gave him answers. With my answers I always tried not to give more info than he was asking for, and at the same time give a loving and respectful picture of where he came from. My husband respected this and has always let him know that he loved and supported him.

Since the divorce, my son has been more interested in finding out about his bio-dad (he’s also nearly sixteen). After much discussion, we decided to see if we could find out. We talked at length about the possibility that “at some point” he might be interested in contacting his bio-dad. He is clear about already having a “dad”, but open to the idea of having some sort of relationship with his bio-dad.

It has come to the point where I found out where his bio-dad lives and made contact. Through phone and emails, he and I have caught up and are feeling pretty positive about the healing that is taking place between us (outside of the obvious parental issue). My son then decided he was comfortable getting to know him one-on-one in email. They have had some chatty emails and my son reports feeling really relaxed about it.

I’ve been very aware that the stakes are really high. I want to be protective of my son’s feelings while encouraging his fulfilling the need to know. Here is the problem: I haven’t told my ex-husband. I didn’t want to open the subject until there was something to tell. I suspect he may be angry that I’ve made what amounts to a huge parenting decision without him. It’s possible he might also have some fear of rejection or alienation. I need to do this soon before he feels really left out of the loop.

Do I need to be the emotional lightning rod and try to field all the fall-out, or do I relay the information and let the chips fall where they may? He’s my ex-husband and I have a hard enough time communicating with him about subjects that aren’t so hugely emotionally charged. I’m very apprehensive about the fall-out of his anger but I don’t think he would take it out on my son in any way. I don’t want to be controlling and would really like to have this out on the table. My son - our son, the son in question - is old enough to make life decisions but young enough to still need his parents.

Can you give me any insight into how best to handle this? I really want to act with integrity.

Thanks,
Wanting to Do the Right Thing