Dumped “Flat On Her Ass” By Boyfriend- So How To Recover?
Dear Elsa,
About two months ago, my first serious boyfriend of about a year dumped me flat on my ass. Not just broke up with me - dumped me. He left me for someone else while I was away at school, told me a month after the fact in a letter, and didn’t even have the decency to return my calls afterwards. It was not the best relationship in the first place, and especially considering the cowardly way he broke it off, I have absolutely no interest in trying to get him back or anything like that.
I don’t know where to go from here. I realize I’m probably not in any condition to get into another relationship just yet, but on the other hand, I feel so lonely and repulsive. I really just want somebody to hold me and tell me I’m beautiful. Except that I’m really starting to doubt my own judgment. I mean, I fell for that loser - what’s to keep me from doing so again? That’s a thought that scares the hell out of me, especially since I’m not exactly the sort of girl who has men waiting in line.
The rest of my life is pretty much under control - good summer job, going back to school in the fall, awesome friends, all of that. But most days I just want to curl up in my room and not come out. I’ve never had to work through anything like this before, and I don’t know how to approach it. Any words of advice would be much appreciated.
Emotionally Drifting
Dear Drifting,
OUCH! I am so sorry for you. And I wish I had some sort of magic short cut, but I think you’re going to have to just continue to lay low and sort through this. Because somewhere in this mess, there’s a nugget. There are probably a bunch of nuggets, but you’re not going to find them unless you stay in your pain.
For example, you write that you “fell for this loser”. How’d that happen? You need to find out. You need to figure out how this happened. Did you miss the signs? Did you unconsciously want this sort of experience? Why? What did you hope to get, or glean?
See, there is an opportunity for gain here and I advise you take it. Because otherwise this will continue to haunt you. Right now you are questioning your judgment, but you have to come to see that entering this relationship was your judgment and you are not a fool. There is some rhyme or reason to the fact you were cut this way and you have to find it. It’s that, or be compromised.
I always say, “If you cut me, I get your knife.” And this is true of you as well. But you have to go into the muck and the fuck, and dig it out. Otherwise you’re just injured.
So this is my advice: Stop thinking about what happened. Instead, ask why. Come up with the answer to that and you will heal. Not only that, you’ll have this guy’s knife for the rest of your life
Take care and good luck.
***note - a couple months passed. Someone posted regarding this advice and I responded - > Read “Stabbed In The Back? No Problem” here.
~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!
6 Responses to “Dumped “Flat On Her Ass” By Boyfriend- So How To Recover?”
don’t be too hard on yourself, either, dear. early relationships are often like this from my observations. years later, my friends and i all still ask ourselves, “WHAT were we thinking?!? eeek!”
part of early relationships are often focused on finding out who you are and building up your sense of self and self-esteem.
and remember-his behavior doesn’t speak to who YOU are. whenever someone treats you poorly, regardless of the reason they may or may not give, it’s ALWAYS their shit, man.
take good care of yourself. if you’re feeling too distressed, check out your school’s counseling options, and most of all, enjoy the freedom you’ve gained from an obviously unappreciative boyfriend. peace out.
something similar happened to me 6 years ago and it took a long time for me to recover and regroup [dang pluto square moon transit!]
the one thing i wanted - an explanation/closure/something! - never came, but in the process i came into my own. when i stopped looking for an answer from him, i started going deep to heal the wound from withn.
i bristle occasionally when i think about it today, but it’s a battle scar i’m actually proud of now–for if i hadn’t gone through it, i wouldn’t have come this far.
so hang in there and take good care of you.
Thanks Elsa, and to the people in the comments too. This is kind of what I was afraid you were going to say, so I guess I’ve just got to buckle down and deal with life. It wasn’t so bad when I was away, but now I’m back in my rather smallish hometown for the summer, and see him around now and again. His complete refusal to talk to me hurts even more than the break-up did. At some point I’m going to have to accept that I’m probably never going to get that last conversation/explaination/whatever. But thank you for your support and wisdom.
-K
You feel like you never got any closure. I completely understand that. But that makes it all about you. You can close this anyway you like. You have the power. Good luck. (I need this advice too!)
Elsa, the link to “stabbed in the back no problem” is dead. I am enjoying reading this series and finding it very informative.
Get A Consultation
I'm available for consultations! You can schedule a consultation by phone. You can also read what clients have to say about my consultations. Thanks, I look forward to working with you. :) - Elsa P
More
Recent Blog Comments
- lilly: Do I even HAVE to mention that the 29th is my birthday? With...
- spacerockz: I have moon opposition venus... I definitely a wham bam than...
- dorchid: i get it, thanks elsa! from now on i will post and leave it ...
- pippa: An interesting post that inspired me to study a little. ...
- Elsa: dorchid, the spam filter is hosted off site, you can read ab...
- dorchid: (why do my comments get eaten so often? *frown*) Sun in 1...
- wyrdling: a great day for working together to move a whole bunch of he...
Recent Board Posts
Oh, I think you should go out and meet a whole bunch of better guys, real quick. Sorting out is fine, but you also need some ego boost! You deserve it!