Dear Confused,

You’re a twenty year old double Pisces and it’s time you get hip to some things. Namely that you are not other people, and other people are not you.

See, Pisces is famous for what? They are famous for transcending. They are famous for their lack of boundaries, and they are famous for being confused.

Understanding this, re-read your post up there? Can you see what’s happened? You had a conflict with your friend. You transcended it. Then you became confused when our friend did not do same! So that’s the first thing. Get to know you! Secondly, get to know your friend.

Here’s what I know about him or her. She does not transcend as easily as you do! Got that? So if you value this friend, you are going to have to deal with her as an individual who acts and reacts differently than you do.

And in this case, you are dealing with Leo, so you probably have bruised your friend’s ego somehow. You’re going to have to address that. Like going in front of the queen and saying “I’m sorry… I don’t know what got into me when I farted in front of you.”

And the queen, being benevolent and all, will very likely forgive you and life goes on.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Thanks for the all the thoughtful comments on the pain blog. I love when that happens on this blog. Amber asked a couple questions. She asked about self-inflicted pain which strains my brain to consider at the moment but she also asked about alchemizing pain which I think is my forte. But I wouldn’t know how to lecture. All I can do is tell a story.

This week, and this weekend…well my pain is frequently very fine. It’s extreme but exquisite. It’s artful even, the circumstances that set up in my life on a routine basis. I just have to marvel.

Er… I have a constant “baseline” pain in my life that is set to a very high level. This is because my daughter is very ill. She suffers tremendously and since I am her mother, I suffer in tandem. And I can (and do) use various techniques, like detachment to cope whenever I can, but fact is the situation exists and it what it is.

So I live in this world with all the parents who do not have a sick child and I feel that every day. I am isolated with my child. I am outsider, and this creates pain that is very complex. The pain is deep and wide and high and low…it’s inside and out and all around and it’s hard for people to understand. They can’t internalize my experience, I mean. And her problem has proven very hard to treat (more pain) and her prognosis cloudy at best (more pain). And all this impacts my son in ways that are profound, creating more pain…and that right there, describes my baseline pain.

So what do you think? Think that’s enough for one mother? Well, it’s not.

See, I play cards. Or at least I used to. And I don’t have just one card. I have at least a hand…and more like a whole deck of cards. And many of them are volatile! So I’m going along on a Monday or a Tuesday and wham! The weather changes and it starts pouring rain.

For example, this weekend one of my oldest friends was suffering tremendously. He was suffering to a degree only a Scorpio moon can appreciate. And I happened to find out about it.

I called him for a chat, but no. I found him in this horrific state. He stayed on the phone for five minutes, as long as he could bear, and let me know his circumstance and then *click.

I was walking at the time and what could I do? I kept walking. But now I had to think about my friend. About his life, and my life alongside his. And how it was ending up (not good). And I have loved him for 20 years, so how do you think that feels? And what am I going to do with these feelings, hmm?

Because I can’t fix the problem. And I can’t deny the impact on me… the pain I feel knowing the pain he is in. So what the fuck?

And of course it’s never this simple if you’re me. It’s always multi-pronged pain. There’s the baseline pain, this new pain and the pain from another issue I was out walking in an attempt to process in the first place! Get it? Pain cubed! ::laughs:: So what am I going to so? I better do something, eh? Obviously.

So I have this blog. And I have the ability to read a chart and the ability to communicate my thoughts to at least some degree, so this is what I do with my pain.

I come home and I open my mailbox. There are people in pain in there and I think,” Oh yeah. I understand this.” And I try to help them the very best I can, along with the other people who read here and know how to hitchhike. And when I do that, some of my pain spins off. And this is what it means, the phrase, “Serve or suffer”. I don’t like to suffer.

And although I am an extreme case…this serve or suffer thing is a major focus for me, everyone can benefit from helping others. Seriously, if you’re feeling like shit…if you are feeling low, there is nothing in the world that will bring you up faster than extending yourself to another human being.

I made the news again on John Townley’s site, Astrococktail. He and his wife, Susan have a great site there. This news thing they do is completely unique. They update nearly daily with interesting links that are often pretty obscure. This is hell of a service and I appreciate their work.

They have a variety of other offerings. Articles, reviews, a printable aspect calendar, etc. It’s well worth poking around over there and I cop to being pleased and even smug when linked on their site….for a BDSM post, no less.

Thanks Susan and John!

Dear Venus,

Aw, this sucks. I feel so bad for you. Listen to me, please. You are 23 years old and you’ve got to get your sex life back. You can not let this bastard - whoever it was who abused you - cheat you of one of the primary pleasures in life. And the sooner the better, especially considering the fact you are a Scorpio rising with an 8th house Mars.

Now that describes a very sexual person. This is true regardless of what happened to you. Do you understand? You were born a sexual person. You are supposed to be a sexual person, blah, blah, blah. So do you want to allow this person who abused you to hijack your life? Of course not. I think you ought to fight.

And it may interest you to know that sex and fighting are Mars ruled. That means if I can get you mad… if I can get you pissed off over the idea this bastard has derailed your life… your anger might very well inspire you to fight, which will automatically jumpstart your Mars - your sex drive.

Now I could stop right there and be safe but I am Elsa and I am reckless, so I’m going to tell you more. With an 8th house Mars, there is an interest in “taboo”. And there are parts of your chart that want to say “EEK!” to that. You know. You want to be detached. Or you want to be high minded, in control and so forth.

Well, that’s fine. But if you do not explore this other side yourself… if you cut yourself off from your own sexual energy, I’ll tell you what’ll happen. It’ll turn on you. The energy is there and it needs expression. It needs an outlet. And if you want to understand this plain as day, then look outside yourself.

Imagine a child (or any person for that matter) with one of limbs bound up in some fashion. Can you picture that? One arm strapped behind their back. Over time, what do you think that’s going to do to that person? To their body and their mind and their soul? Don’t you think it would compromise the whole? I do. And do you want to suffer like that just because of some bastard? I don’t think so. I think you should fight for your life.

And the best way to fight is how? By being aggressive. By taking charge! So how about you get yourself really pissed off about this, then get on top of your man and screw him like you never have before. I’m serious. Get on top him and feel your power. Take back your power… and while you’re at it, yelling would be good too. Come on, hon. Fuck the bastard abuser! Take back the night, as they say. Release your demons via sex. Get yourself free and don’t look back.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Speaking of pain and that last artist post…I’ve had a personal crisis over the week or ten days. Maybe you’ve noticed I’ve not been posting so frequently and the freakish struggle I’m having behind the scenes is why.

Now it’s not that big a deal for me to have a crisis, because I have them all the time. I have a life that is full to overflowing with intense trauma and at this stage of my life, I can’t say that I care. I quite like being me and I could not be me…I would not be me, if even one shred of my life was changed.

So anyway, I was talking to my editor on the phone this week. He’s a close friend and I was in a state of shock at the time, post acute trauma.

“I’m sure this is good for me,” I said. “I will do something good with this. I’m sure it will benefit me, I just don’t know how yet,” I explained.

I can’t remember exactly how he responded, but I know he was somewhat incredulous I would say something like that in the state I was in. A couple days later, I was talking to someone else and better able to articulate my feelings about this:

“I don’t want a life without pain. I have no interest in avoiding pain. I will take the pain! How else can I do my job? If people write and they are in pain, how am I going to be able to respond if I am not willing to feel? If I stay in my head about these problems and try to write, I will have nothing to say. It would be completely worthless. And I like feeling things. I like being compassionate. I like feeling things, period. And as far as I am concerned, there’s no reason for me to be on this planet if I am not going to feel pain and channel it, considering this is how I’m strung and what I am supposed to do…”

So what about you? How do handle pain?

Do you feel it? Do you seek it out? Or do you medicate it and try to avoid it at all costs?

~ skip to Pain - Redux

~~
pictured - Pluto, Agostino Carracci, 1557

Dear Artist,

Actually, I do see something keeping your from the sun and the fun. It’s your nature. Fact is, you’re not a yippy-skippy kind of guy. You’re a dreamer (Pisces) with depth (Pluto). And I don’t have an answer to that, other than I think you are fine the way you are. And when you get to this age (thirties), it’d be nice if you could get to a place where you agree with me. So this is the tack I’m going to take with your post.

You’re obviously a sensitive, deep thinking and feeling sort. It’s sweet. It’s special. And you are a hard-worker who perseveres. And it makes me think of any number of movies I have seen… profiles of painters. Edvard Munch, Van Gogh, etc. They are all so tortured. Their lives are not very good!! They are constantly yearning. They are disappointed. Their pain is pretty much continuous, yet they remain on this very difficult path. Why? Because it’s who they are!

And they grace the rest of us. As do you. Your post today graces my blog. People will read your words. Some of them will understand them. And they will feel for you, for themselves, and for humanity. And this will not get you your dream job, but…

Even if you landed your dream gig tomorrow, you will not feel “sun and fun”. Because you will still be you. You will still be searching, reaching, trying, yearning. People will still like you. You will still like them… not so much. You will still feel as if you are in a “holding pattern” because this is who you are and how you are - and is that so bad?

Is it bad to be deep? I don’t think so. Would you like to be a veneer? Here’s a story.

I was watching CNN once, during some kind of crisis. Oh! It was when the DC snipers were loose. Anyway, one of the on-camera guys was interviewing someone… some cop I guess and this cop was a big guy. He was tall. The newsman on the other hand was short. Very short! So he was standing there, with his arm all the way extended to reach the taller man’s mouth, and he looked distressed. He looked just stressed out of his mind.

Cut to commercial and back to the interview. All the sudden the newsman is now not just as tall as the cop, he’s taller! ::laughs:: He must have made them get him a bucket to stand on, I guess. ::smiles:: And he had this smug look on his face, like “I’m tall now, you motherfuckers”.

So think about that. He’s got a big career, but look at the insecurity!! What’s a bastard like that going to do when his hairline recedes, hmm??

So with that in mind, re-read your post. I think you will see a sketch of confident, secure and solid man who is painfully aware of his limitations and the limitations of others, i.e. the people who do not keep their promises. One man is a man. The other man is an embarrassment. And based on this, maybe you can see what I mean. You’re good the way you are.

Try to release your pain. Channel it into your art. Because it will always, always, always be part of you. And if you can understand and embrace this… if you can learn to celebrate it rather than trying to get to a feeling state that will never exist for you (and may not exist at all), I think you’ll see things ease. You’re an artist, maaan. I’m sorry.

Good luck.
~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

~~
pictured - The Scream, 1893, Edvard Munch

Airplane follies? Yeah. Okay, I’ll tell you what happened.

I was seated next to this business guy. You know. A suit. Now at the time, I thought his clothing indicated he was important, but you know that didn’t stop me. I turned to him and started babbling. I told him it was my first time on a plane and stuff. I don’t think he was sure about that at first but believe me, I convinced him eventually.

He started out kind of irritated and with cause. Because I was really excited about this experience and I had lots to say. I was chattering the way I do, and it must have seemed a bit of an assault. But eventually I had him pretty amused. I told him I was going to Michigan to get laid, for example.

Now I know this is commonplace with the Internet these days, but back then it innovative and eventually he became engrossed in my story.

“Where in Michigan?” he asked.

I held up my hand, the way my boyfriend had showed me and pointed near the tip
my index finger, facing my thumb. “Here,” I said.

“Oh. Well it’s nice up there.”

“Right. That’s what he says,” I beamed.

“Does he want you to move there? To be with him? Does he want to marry you?”

“Yeah. Yes he does,” I said. “I think so.”

“Are you going to marry him?”

“I don’t know. That’s what I’m finding out. I’ve never been there. Right now, I’m just going to get laid and look around. And then, I’ll see. I mean, how am I supposed to know if I want to live there or not? I have to go there and see how it is.”

He looked at me oddly. “Well if you love him, and you want to marry him, then you will have to go to where he is.”

“No I won’t. Why can’t he move to where I am? It’s cold in Michigan, right? He doesn’t like it. That’s why he comes to the desert every winter. So maybe he can just move there forever.”

“What if he doesn’t like the desert heat?”

“Well we don’t know, do we? We don’t know if he likes the heat, or if I like the cold. But we like to screw, for sure!” I said, laughing. He laughed too.

“So you’re going to Michigan to screw some man?” he asked.

“Right! That’s what I said.”

“So you did,” he nodded. “So you did. Well it sounds like he has some money. Maybe you can live in Michigan in the summer and spend the winter in the desert.”

I nodded back. I hadn’t thought of that. I hadn’t thought of living two places, or about whether or not my boyfriend had money. I had so many problems with my own money; I never worried about other people’s. It was outside my scope. Everyone had more money than me. I knew that and it was of no consequence.

“Yeah!” I said. “Hey. That’s a good idea. Um…I have to pee.” I laughed.

But I’ll tell you something. I didn’t really have to pee. I wanted to pee. I wanted to see a plane restroom, actually, just because I was there. I was on a plane and I just wanted to see all the sights.

“Er… They’re in the back,” he said. “Can you find them?”

“I don’t know. I think so. Are they hidden? Is it tricky?” I asked with a snort.

He chuckled. “No. There are signs,” he said smiling.

“Okay, good. I’ll follow them!” I said.

Well, I’ll tell you, the whole thing intrigued me. I thought it was sort of a puzzle and as I walked towards the back of the plane, it happened. A habit of a lifetime formed.

I never fly anywhere without using the restroom on the plane because it hit me on the way that afternoon, that I was moving while I was moving and I thought this the coolest phenomena going. I still think this, and I never miss a chance to experience this sensation but anyway, I found the restroom with no trouble.

So I was sitting in there with my skirt up and thinking, “If my friends could see me now”. That and reading. You know. I was reading all the little signs. I was absorbing and this is when it happened. Someone barged in on me.

Oh fuck!

They pulled the door shut with a slam, but not before I caught a glimpse of a man in white shirt, who shouted to me, “You’re supposed to lock the door!”

Oh fuck. Uh…never mind. I already said that, didn’t I?

So I was just sitting on the toilet there, mortified. Was he right? Was it my fault? And then I saw it. The door instructions were right there. They were right there on the knob at eye level. Oh brother. The guy was right. I felt like such a putz. He didn’t walk in to me! I was as supposed to lock the door. Crap!

Well, I was so embarrassed, I thought about staying in there forever which of course would not work, so I clutched it up and left the restroom blushing.

I walked back to my seat with my eyes straight ahead so I would not see the man who saw me, but you know what happened don’t you?

Right. It was my seatmate that walked in on me. And believe me; I’d have never known this if he did not explain door-locking to me when I sat down. I’d have never recognized him, because to me at the time?

Well all those white business guys look alike. Everyone knows that.

Dear Wire,

Yes, you can absolutely harness the energy because it yours. The idea it is coming from outside of you is false. That’s a mind trick - and one you need to overcome, if you want to get on top this.

See, your Sun in Pisces and your Moon in Virgo are part of a T-square with Mars. And this is a configuration with tremendous energy… of the raw male/anger type. And it is apparent from your post that you are identifying with the yin parts of this, and denying the Mars.

Like this: your Pisces Sun absorbs. Your Virgo Moon wants to be productive. The other energies (Mars) you claim come from outside you. In other words, you are a victim (Pisces) who wants to do good (Virgo). And that’s fine.

But guess what you need to defend yourself? Mars. And what about being productive? That’s Mars too! Mars is your “get up and go.” How can you get anything done if you don’t act? Mars is about action!

So here’s my advice: give up the idea that you are fired upon, because it’s not real. Instead get comfortable with the fact you own a gun - a big one - and force yourself to learn how to use it.

See, all that stuff you unleash on the innocent? That’s you shooting your gun all over the place. And when you do that, who’s the victim, hmm?

Think of it as three points in a triangle. Virgo, Pisces, and Mars in Gemini. AKA, you, you and you.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Here is a Jupiter / Sagittarius / Travel story for pure amusement. It’s true of course. Jupiter rules the truth! Jupiter rules storytelling for that matter. And travel, planes, what you believe, bluntness etc. all of which are prominent in this bit, which is clipped from the middle of a much longer story…

I was working in an old man’s bar. I met a man from out of state, who was in town for the summer, and we took up in passionate fashion.

He was a guy who liked to go, so that is what we did. We went here and we went there. He was a hip guy, so I was a hip girl at least for the summer, in a Jim Morrison sort of way, just by standing next to him. Two months passed in a whirlwind, and then he left for home, and there I was.

Well, I always knew he was leaving. I’d never lost sight of this. The old guys in the bar were protective of me and did not let that happen, but I was still nineteen and there was some drama and a fair amount of angst. And in the end?

Well he went home to Michigan and after he did, we spoke on the phone. We wondered if we should take steps to be together. We spoke a few times, and he had been home a few weeks when he called and invited me to Michigan to visit him and meet his family. He’d told them about me and he said he wanted me to move there to be with him. His whole family did.

Michigan, huh? Well, I’d never been on a plane, so I was both exhilarated and scared.

“That’s a long way to go for a piece of ass, Elsa.” That’s what the old guys at the bar said, but what do they know?

My boyfriend was 26. Time to settle down! He said the word “married” which was pretty fascinating to me in a fairy tale sort of way. What nineteen year old girl doesn’t like a fairy tale, anyway? It was definitely something to contemplate, you know?

And he was going to buy my ticket, which sort of flipped me out. It seemed this incredible amount of money at the time. It was just an overwhelming sort of gesture in my mind. Me? Me, the little desert rat on a plane? That’s the kind of thing I thought. I really didn’t think I belonged on a plane but in the end, my innate desire for adventure and sex won out. I told him that I would come, but it wasn’t easy.

See, I’ll tell you how poor I was. The ticket cost more than I made in a month, for starters! But when the old guys told me to pack a sweater…well, this is when I really started to sweat.

“A coat?” I asked. “Bring a coat?”

“No. It’s summertime. But you’ll need a sweater in the morning. Or when you go out
in the evening.”

“A coat?” I repeated.

See, I didn’t have a sweater. I was so poor and all. I was supporting my mother and all that. I was totally in the land of Goodwill clothes and a sweater, like a purse, was not a must have item. If it was cold I put on a coat. If it was kind of cold, I either put on a coat, or just felt kind of cold. I didn’t know any different from this.

“No. You don’t need a coat, but you will need a sweater. Don’t you have one?” asked one of the old guys.

“No,” I said. I felt like I was going to cry.

“Well you’ll have to get one.”

“Are you sure?”

“That you need a sweater in Michigan? Yeah.”

“Okay. Okay, I’ll get one, then,” I said.

I believed them, but I wondered how I was going to pay for it. I crossed my fingers and hoped I could find one for three or five dollars. I hated Goodwill. I hated shopping, period. I sure as hell didn’t have the money for it.

I wondered if I should write my boyfriend and tell him that I couldn’t go, but that’s not what happened. What happened, is I got a sweater for three dollars and I got on the plane.

To be continued.

skip to Jupiter Story - Part Two

Dear Path,

You can’t get anyone to do anything. All people do whatever they want, but this is especially true for Taurus, the most stubborn sign in the zodiac! So in regards to turning this guy, well picture this: imagine a bull in a field. He’s just standing there, for the most part. Maybe he’s swinging his tail to keep the flies off. But only as necessary! Mostly he’s just chewin’ the grass. And then you come along.

And what do you want? You want him to climb up a hill and look out over the horizon. You want him to dance around a teepee, but so? What’s the horizon got to do with him? He’s happy in his field, yes?

“But come away with me!” you say. “Come to these exotic places!” you cajole him.

He just stares at you with his big brown eyes, waiting for you to understand. Understand that he’s not going anywhere. If you want to run around to and fro… well you go right ahead. That’s your life. But it’s not his!

So this is where you’re at. You will not get this man to do anything… unless he damn well pleases. And if he ever pleases, I doubt it will be soon. So based on this, you have choices.

If you love him where he is, the way he is, that’s fine. Otherwise, you need another man.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!