Why I Have Not Been To an Astrology Meeting in Eight Years! Continued…

So the Jupiter films finished up and I was affected. My cheeks were flushed the way you (I mean, I) get when thinking the kinds of things I was thinking. Because with the transit to my ascendant, the poker face I’d relied on all my life had abandoned me. So this stuff was crossing my face and I couldn’t stop it. I could feel the heat, swoosh. I could feel my face flushed, and the double Cancer noticed.

He’d have to. How could all my Capricorn be in a room with all his Cancer and him not know it? That doesn’t happen. In fact, come to think of it…it was his birthday. Yeah. It was his birthday or the day after or something. He mentioned this, so I knew the rough degree of his sun and we were in tight opposition.

Anyway, he outlined his theory and the premise for his article about Jupiter and OJ. Basically he equated Simpson with Jupiter because “outdoor sports” is Jupiter-ruled. And he reiterated he really wanted people to give their opinions, whether they agreed with him or otherwise. All the Aquarians in the room immediately obliged him and he listened attentively to each person who spoke.

See, the guy had a big brain. Perhaps I was see-though, but I could see through others as well, or thought I could. Because I swear I could see his brain whirl. This, while I tried, Tried, TRIED not to smile or grin or laugh like hell because I just found him to be very cute in a MOM sort of way which was as ridiculous as it was unstoppable.

It’s like having to pee. If you have to pee, then you have to pee and that’s all there is to it. When I looked at this guy I saw this cute little boy talking like an (extreme) grownup, and I thought it was funny and nothing was going to stop this, once it started.

Do you know a Neptune transit like this makes you feel drunk? It makes people think you’re drunk for that matter, this is true. Of course, you could be drunk in reality but I wasn’t, I promise.

Anyway, he got what he got and it wasn’t enough. He wanted more comments and he was a really good speaker with infectious energy so quite a few others commented after he appealed to them. I was impressed too. With his method. With how he moved, I mean manipulated the people.

He said the local paper had just started running his articles and he would like to see more astrology in the mainstream like this. Speaking up in this meeting therefore meant that you were helping astrology in the world…which was something everyone in room cared about. So you see what I mean. He was really workin’ it.

Of course he was a Cancer and most the people in the room were women. And you know how Cancer can access women, so there you go.

And he said everyone had something to say. This was his belief. Not specific to astrology, but in general. He thought everyone had something of merit to say, and he felt this was the power of group. So you can see this boy was motivated and motivating. He was compelling and it was at this point he started to very definitely look my way.

At first, he was respectful. And I didn’t raise my hand, so tough shit, buddy. It means I don’t have a comment. But I guess he was getting curious with my face contorted trying to squelch laughter and keep the heat down, because believe me, my face was HOT.

See, I did admire his technique with the group, but I also thought it sort of hysterically funny as well, which I then thought was funny on its face. I mean, decide Elsa. Decide with your stinking Libra. Which is it? Is it sort of funny, or is it hysterically funny?

I was thinking things like this and the un-laughed laughs continued to play on my face until I was really getting into some trouble.

The speaker looked at me with an eyebrow raised and I quickly looked down. No. No fuckin’ way. I have nothing to say. Sorry dude.

He kind of shrugged and begged the group some more, to put their two pesos in. That’s how he said too. He said “pesos” which I thought was cute, and apparently I was not the only one because several more people spoke up. See what I mean? Let’s face it. The guy was charming, especially to women, which is what I happen to be. And it was right about here, I realized I was amazed.

I was amazed because the comments had become repetitive, as you might imagine. But no one had said one damned thing about sperm.

Well to me, this was like the naked emperor in the room, so by now I was even hotter and almost felt like the laughter I was trying to contain would pretty soon, spill out my nose.

Can that happen? Can laughter come out a nose? I thought so. And when I thought that, well you know I wanted to laugh even more and did he notice? Of course he did. But too dammed bad! He’d just have to wonder what was on my mind because there was no way in hell I was going to raise my hand.

Because at that point I’d begun to think he had some serious Scorpio in his chart. Because he wanted other people’s energy to write his article, didn’t he? Well crap! When that occurred to me…well, then I knew I was wrong to have wondered. The whole thing was definitely hysterical, rather than just merely funny so more inner peels of laughter occurred, and then just when I thought I was safe he addressed me directly: “What about you?” he asked.

And that was the set up at the end of this.

I cringed.

“You’re the only one who has not given an opinion,” he said, smiling boyishly.

I thought, oh fuck! You fuckin’ guy. Just shut up, why don’t you?

That’s what I thought, but I said nothing. Oh, I’m sure I smiled stupidly, because I have that Libra, but I said nothing. And I thought of the Scorpio in the back. I could feel his tractor beam on me, are you kidding? My phone was going to be ringing off the hook when I got home, for sure.

“So what do you think about all this?” he said, waving his arm in the air.

Can you believe this? Was my hand raised?

I was so Neptooned out, I looked to make sure. But no. My hand was not raised. Both hands were right there sitting in my lap. Which meant he was a bastard, don’t you think? Because it was abundantly clear, I didn’t want to talk.

“You’re here. You’re part of this group,” he said.

I thought he was going to say I had no right to be there if I was not going to participate, but he stopped short. “You must have some thoughts on the subject…” he said.

“Uh…” I stammered. God, my face was hot. “Well the whole time I was watching the movie, I was thinking how much that comet looked like sperm,” I said. My voice came out loud. It sounded like I was in vacuum.

“Like sperm?” he asked with some degree of disbelief.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sperm. Um…there’s a head and tail isn’t there? And Jupiter is the egg. It looks like an egg to me, and there’s going to be penetration.”

He raised an eyebrow. He had bushy white eyebrows and he worked them.

“Sperm? Penetration?” He looked at me sort of bemused and intrigued and I felt sick.

“Uh…yeah. That’s what they say. The comet will contact Jupiter,” I said. “And probably penetrate…”

“Yes. And you see this as sexual?”

“Uh…well, yeah.”

Is he crazy? Of course it is sexual, for chrissakes.

“So how does this relate to OJ then?”

“Uh… I don’t know. I guess if you think that Jupiter represents OJ…”

I trailed off because I thought it was so obvious.

“Yes? What? If Jupiter is OJ, then what?”

“Well, if Jupiter is OJ, then apparently he’s gonna be fucked.”

“What?”

“OJ. He’s going to be fucked…uh, get fucked.”

The whole room turned and stared. They were horrified, believe me. Not knowing what else to do, I smiled. A couple people chuckled and I have not been back for eight years…
~~

Note - I wrote this in 2002 and actually got my nerve up and attended a conference in 2003. I managed to embarrass myself there, as well.

Next time, I’m going with a bag over my head with eyes holes cut out. I don’t really belong in “town”.

Skip to part six… Robert P Blaschke