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Scared To Leave Her Alcoholic Boyfriend: Stellium in Capricorn
Hi Elsa,
I’m looking for a reality check. Over two years ago, I made the decision to split from my boyfriend of six years. But for various reasons, we’ve continued living together but in separate rooms. The biggest problem in our relationship is his drinking, and he told me early on that any ultimatum I made would not be met well. In other words, he would choose drinking over me.
His drinking leads to emotional and intimacy issues (for him), as well as constant reminders of growing up with an alcoholic father (for me). Great reasons to leave, but there are so many nagging voices in my head: I don’t deserve better, I’ll never find anyone else, most people would be thrilled to be with someone they get along with in so many other aspects, I’m getting too old to start over and still expect to have a family, etc.
I worry that I haven’t done enough to save the relationship, that there’s some Hail Mary play I could try. How do I accept that it’s okay to let go and write this off as a loss?
Goat Girlfriend Of A Drunk
Dear Girlfriend,
The Hail Mary play is to leave him, since you’ve tried everything else. But I’m not sure I’m the person you should be talking to. I’m not sure I can give you the motivation to leave your boyfriend, but I have an idea where you might find it.
Why don’t you talk to some of these gals who write me, who have spent twenty and thirty years with some guy who can’t or won’t meet their needs? The women who have starved themselves for decades instead of just a mere eight years like you? Ask them what they advise. Because I did something similar and it sure worked for me. Here’s the story.
I had let myself go, pretty severely. Never mind why, it’s not important. Fact is this happened, and one day I decided to try to do something about it, so I went (back) to the gym.
I used to work out, see. But I’d quit after I had children and by the time I walked back in there, I was a real mess. And I felt ashamed… sort of like you might feel if you left your man tomorrow. You know. “Look how old I am and just look at the shape I’m in…”
But I went in there and first thing I did was look around. I looked specifically at the women who were ten or fifteen years older than me and you know what I saw? I saw women who took care of themselves and some of them looked damned good. I saw other women who looked nothing less than desperate. You know. Like their doctor had just told them, “Get your ass in the gym, or you’re going to die.”
I decided right then, which group I wanted to be part of it and the rest is history. I am a gym rat now. And this is my Capricorn talking to yours: I know you’re standing at the bottom of a very tall mountain. But you were born to climb. And I saw a movie this weekend, ‘American Flyers”. It was about bicycling and extreme sports in general, but there was a slogan featured in this movie, emblazoned across a T-shirt: RES FIRMA NITESCERE NESCIT.
According the movie, roughly translated, this means “When You Get It Up - Keep It Up,” and this sounds like a pretty good philosophy to me, so I’m going to pass it to you as my advice: Get your life moving and once you do, keep it moving. If you are meant to be with this man, he’ll catch up.
Good luck.
~~
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7 Responses to “Scared To Leave Her Alcoholic Boyfriend: Stellium in Capricorn”
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I think you gave her excellent advice. Too often we think we simply don’t deserve a better chance at happiness, not to mention that the sheer fear factor of starting over. Good job!
cap-sorry to hear about your situation! i’ve worked in mental health many years and in a detox for 2 and a half. during that time, i’ve seen many, many people with drinking and other abuse issues. i’ve also met very many wives, girlfriends, moms, dads, and others connected to addicted folks who would have given their own lives if they thought it would help the other person. my stepdaugther has serious drug problems currently as well, so i’ve seen this stuff from both a professional and a personal standpoint.
of people who actually get clean, only about 20% stay that way. that means 80% don’t. and these are the folks that who actually _want_ to quit. he’s made it clear he has no interest in quitting, and has pretty much said to you that his drinking is more important to him than his relationship with you. i don’t see a lot of leverage there for you to work with.
you want a family. do you want to give your children the same memories of growing up with an alcoholic father that you have? and if you were to make that decision, it needs to be with the understanding that your kids could very well grow up to find themselves in the very same situation. family patterns often repeat. that’s probably why you’re there now…
the thoughts you talk about speak a lot more to me about how you feel about yourself and the residual pain from growing up in a family with addiction than any value this guy actually has in your life.
if it makes any difference, you’re doing this guy NO favors by staying. by tolerating his alcoholism and still being “kind of” his girlfriend and continuing to live with him, you’re actually making it more comfortable for him to continue his dysfuntional behavior.
there are no magic words you can say to fix him. there’s no special recipe to get him to want to deal with his issues. and every day you stay in this situation, you are losing a little bit more self-esteem and sense of your own worthiness. and helping him justify his own problems along the way.
if you feel stuck, i would encourage you to consider some counseling for a while to help you sort things out. i don’t think anybody deserves to live with an addicted partner, and no, you’re not “lucky” to have him, even if he’s ok part of the time. if you’re not dead, you’re not too old to have a life. and regardless of your age, is THIS the life you want to have? is that what you want for your children?
you deserve better. everybody does. i hope you can see that and go out and find it, hon.
“Why don’t you talk to some of these gals who write me, who have spent twenty and thirty years with some guy who can’t or won’t meet their needs?”
I would be one of those gals (15 years).
I can’t believe I did that to myself (stayed that long, wasted so much of my life).
But I did one day just up and leave. Just like that. Threw myself off the cliff.
And I’m here to tell you, the only regret I have is that I did not leave about a decade earlier.
There’s hope and potential ahead of me now. (I’m still in the process of starting fresh.)
I would also suggest to the reader that she attend an AlAnon meeting in her area. AlAnon is a support group for the children, spouses, partners, siblings and friends of alcoholics. My parents were not alcoholics but heavy potsmokers and my sister and I attend meetings. They have opened my eyes to some of my own behaviors that keep me from seeking out happiness. Just knowing that there are others out there who are/were in your shoes can be incredibly hopeful and enlightening. I recommend AlAnon highly but don’t just try ONE meeting. Try six different meetings until you find the group that feels like home. Good luck!
As one in recovery, let me assure you, no one was going to get me to stop. It was all on me. Even seizures at the wheel while my 8 1/2 months pregnant younger sister was with me didn’t make me stop. While I blame no one but myself, having the love and support of my family through my drug use did make it all too easy to say to myself I wasn’t hurting anyone. Coming from a family of addicts, my family was quite comfortable with my addiction; it was what they were used to.
Having also spent more than 10 years in a really unhealthy, unsafe, and unstable relationship, even though it was clear from the second year that things were probably not ever going to get better, I can only agree with Elsa and the others here. And you know, it’s not about whether you will find someone else…it’s about finding YOU. That’s so hard to do when you’re locked in a freezer just trying to stay warm. So, come out, stand in the sun, thaw out and just see what you have to offer! Not to anyone else but to yourself! Once you’ve got that down pat, you’ll find people clammering for your attention. Because when you are at peace with yourself and know your self worth and it shows, people are drawn to you, wanting some of what you have discovered.
Best of luck to you!!
“Because when you are at peace with yourself and know your self worth and it shows, people are drawn to you, wanting some of what you have discovered.”
Rainie-Wow. This is my quote of the day.
Greetings,
I read the above and I am trying to figure things out right now myself. My girlfreind has admitted to being an alchoholic in the past and went to AA meetings during her home confinement period but stopped going about a month after she got off home confinement.
This last one was her third DUI, (second in ten years) and very costly. She had hit a driver, drove off, was pulled over by the police then finally caught and tested with a very high alchohol content. It has been hard with her prior to that in regard to her drinking. Could not get her to stop at just a couple, very embarrassing/abusive in front of others when out and never could I get her to stop before he was very, very drunk. Her daughter got in some legal trouble also alchohol related and I paid to get he out of this trouble… The above of course has been very costly in more ways than just finacial.
She has been my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years now. It seemed to go in cycles and I have threatened to leave in the past but did not follow through. I do still love her but last week when I called home, (I have to travel a lot in my job) she was obviously well lit after all the above has happened. The week prior I was suspect that she had been out and two weeks before that she all but admitted to me she had just smoked a joint. I believe I have finally had enough and wrote her an email as kindly as possible three nights ago now and have not called her since. I am trying not to cave in because I do love her and miss her because when she is sober she can be a very good person. I just see no other choice now but to leave her and follow through. If I called her she would have some plausable excuse, (at least in her mind) why I am being a jerk about this. I am worried it will never change and just can’t go through all this again. She had nearly eight months of sobriety and now this…