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Commitment Phobic - Engaged To Be Married
Dear Elsa,
I spent a lot of years in this pattern of shouting “He’s the one! This one!” and then shacking up real fast. Then after a year or two, I’d break up and head out like a vapor trail. Call those my young adult years, from 17-23.
Then I spent some time wondering if I’d grown an extra head in the night, because I couldn’t find anyone that I liked. Attracted to certainly, but nobody I liked. Call that 24-29.
Then I had a completely awful relationship that made me run completely scared of commitment, and then years of dating guys that I liked, but wasn’t attracted to - if I could even be convinced to go for coffee, even. I was completely down on relationships, commitment, even sex. I was going to invest my emotional energy in a beloved pet and to heck with this relationship thing.
Now I’m in love. Wildly in love. And that’s not so bad; he’s in love with me too. It’s exhilarating, wonderful, at times even uncanny. But I’m haunted by the fast, passionate attachments that were the theme of my youngest romantic life, and doubtful that I even have it in me to mate as the other humans do - with an eye on the long term. I’ve never been married. Not because I don’t believe in it, but because I take the promise to live together for the rest of our lives too seriously to actually bring myself to make a promise like that. What if I picked the wrong person?
He asked me to marry him. I said yes.
I don’t want to screw this up. Is there anything important I should know about myself that will help?
In Circles
Dear Circles,
Great question, and congratulations on your engagement. Here is my wedding present: some advice.
It’s great you’re in love, but the main thing to remember is that you are still you. And who are you? Well you love freedom, don’t you? With Uranus conjunct your Sun, you can’t tolerate being tied down or restricted. And falling in love is not going to change this, not even one iota.
That does not mean you cannot commit. But you need to commit to more than just being married. You need to commit to maintaining yourself as an individual. Because if you lose this… well I don’t have to tell you, the relationship will fail shortly thereafter.
Now just because you have not done this before, does not mean it cannot be done or that it cannot be done by you. It surely can, just get this straight. Your marriage cannot be “normal”. It can not be “traditional”. It cannot be the way other people do it, or the way it’s supposed to be done, etc. etc.
Because guess what? Your man is an Aquarius rising with four planets in Sadge and he can’t tolerate being tied down either! So don’t trick each other. Don’t try to be people you aren’t. Get married but leave the door open, both front and back. Make your own rules and be willing to reinvent your relationship when it starts to get stale on you. Do this and you’ll be fine. Actually, you’ll be better than fine. You’ll be happy as hell.
Good luck.
~~
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Just a note on not having a normal marriage: your marriage is YOURS. It’s between you and your husband. Your rules that you agree on together. I recently married my partner of nearly 8 years. We both like our own space, NEED it. Rather than try to make ourselves into “normal” people, we bought a two family house. We each have our own apartment in this house. Before he comes in my house, he knocks. Before I go in his house, I call up the stairs to ask if I can come in. Getting married has not changed this because this WORKS for us. Everyone thinks we are nuts but they envy what we have at the same time. So, trust Elsa. Be willing to break the rules and have the marriage YOU both want, no matter what.