Dear Scorpio Lover,

First of all, forget about manipulating Scorpio! I don’t think you’re going to get this guy to do anything. WYSIWYG. Think, What You See Is What You Get, because this is the deal. But it doesn’t mean you have to go hungry.

I think you can solve some of this if you go deeper yourself. For example, what do you care what he says and doesn’t say? What does he doooooooooo? Most particularly, how does he screeeeeeew? Does he share his energy? Is there a deeply meaningful sexual exchange? Because this is how Scorpio loves and communicates. Beneath the surface, that is.

So if you can feel his energy on you - if you can feel his focus - then I think you should just focus on feeling it. Because you’re not dating Gemini here. You’re not dating “chatty”. And his energy is most personal thing he has!

If you can do this, I think it will lead you closer to where you want to be. Because pressuring a Scorpio, even subtly, will not endear them to you. What will is appreciating the intangible things they give you.

And regarding his friends, don’t worry about them. He doesn’t sleep with them does he? Well then, it’s not that personal.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Grasping,

No, it’s not a midlife crisis. That would be much simpler. Instead it’s a massive Neptune transit and you are being forced to cope with copious amounts of confusion.

Now there’s good news and bad news here. The bad news is, you shouldn’t expect clarity anytime soon. I’m talking years, not months. Honestly, you aren’t going to know exactly what you’re doing until about 2010. This is also the good news, and I’ll explain.

Someone told me once, they were really glad they did not run the world. She said she was grateful there were higher forces at work. “Because left to my own devices, I would have chosen much less than what I got…” she explained. She wanted a husband, but she said she had no idea there were men in the world as good as the one she wound up with. If she’d been able to write her own ticket, she’d have shortchanged herself.

So just imagine, you had the power to publish your book today. Just think about that. Would it be as satisfying as letting it happen organically? Probably not.

You have some Leo in your chart, so imagine this: think about your life as a movie you’re living. This Neptune period is part of your movie. It’s not the beginning or the end. It’s just a segment, but it’s key to the plot. And it’s uncomfortable but it’s the only way to get to the next scene! Can you do that? Of course you can.

Neptune transits teach faith, whether you like it or not!!! Thankfully, faith is ultra-valuable, and I’ll give you a practical example.

You and I are in similar circumstance. We both have unpublished books - a year in the pipe. But you are anxious, and I am not. I have no anxiety at all because I have faith - in buckets.

I know the universe acts in my best interest…always.

I know timing is divine…always.

I have complete faith that things play out in way that is perfect…for everyone.

It will help you tremendously during this period if you can cultivate similar beliefs. Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Girlfriend,

I don’t think you’re doomed at all. You just have all this Scorpio and Capricorn. So your first response to just about anything is to expect the sky to fall, and the other shoe to drop! I’m glad you wrote for an outside perspective because though it sounds that while things could be going better, there is no deal breaker in your relationship.

Now astrologically, you have Saturn transiting your seventh house (relationships). This can create a lot of fear - like fearing you’re going to be alone, and bereft of love and relationship. This is what I think you’re experiencing. This is the root of your suffering, and I see it playing out in two ways.

First, you think, “Oh no, we’re doomed!” Then you conclude, “Fine, he sucked anyway. The bastard wouldn’t even do the dishes!”

This sort of chaos is all through your post and I’ll tell you what’s going to help. Commitment! With Saturn transiting the seventh, when it comes to partnership, you’re either in or you’re out. And it’s sounds to me like you want to be with this man. So how do you deal?

Well, as soon as you quit vacillating, you’ll recover all the energy you are currently wasting. Then you can apply this energy to “growing up” the way you relate to your partner.

For example, you say he’s always been there, every day for five years. That’s a big deal! Do you really care if he does the dishes? Would you be better off with a dish-washing man who neglects you? And you say he’s successful and intelligent, but lacks motivation on his job. Come again?

For the record, Capricorns tend to parent their partner. That’s fine to an extent, but here again, a Saturn transit through the seventh insists that relationships have boundaries. Is your man old enough to decide how to handle his job? Probably.

You say you have to plan… but planning is a Capricorn trait. It’s part of your nature. You say you have to please him but again: pleasing others is part of your personal makeup.

I mean this in the nicest way. I really think you’ll see improvement if you can control your need to control him. And I know this all sounds dismal, but if you do leave this guy and find someone else, all this stuff will constellate again. The reason is because this stuff needs work, and the universe is going to make sure you do it.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Pleasing,

I really had to think about this. I can tell you why you want to please people easily enough, but the twin thing threw me. Because you and your brother would have charts that are essentially identical. I had some theories about why you might suffer this way while he doesn’t, but felt uncomfortable with the idea of me (a non-twin) telling you what it’s like to be a twin.

In a bid for clarity, I emailed a friend of mine who is a twin. He said it helps to think of twins as “siblings”. One of them is older than the other, even if it’s only by six minutes! As he put it, thinking in these terms “helps unlock a lot of twin mysteries.”

That was interesting, but I still had to mull. See, you’re a Libra, and Libras are the people-pleasers of the zodiac. But it’s very superficial. In fact, the sweeter Libra is, the surer you can be that they want to smash you with a bat. But this is more complicated than that.

Because the other thing Libra does is balance. When you go left, Libra has no choice but to go right. So this is what I think is going on.

First, you try to please by your nature, to an extent. But secondly… you brother is not so willing to ingratiate himself. He acts yang, so you go yin to compensate. And the idea that you’re the little brother would support this theory.

But this is no good for you. Because you’re more than just “Libra”. There is tremendous fire in your chart. And anger!! And if you don’t find a way to express this, eventually it will make you sick. Or cause an accident! Are you reckless? I bet you are.

Anyway, I’d recommend you turn the tables on your brother. Do it like an experiment, because he’s Libra too! Assert yourself. Turn the heat way up (I know you can) and just watch him. See what you learn, because I bet he moves to make peace…

And beyond this just imagine Libra’s symbol: a scale. You have been living on one side of it. If you internalize this, it will cause you great distress, which is the point. Because once you see you’re out of whack like that, you will automatically move to balance.

Pretty cool, huh?

Good luck!

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Unhappy,

I’m not surprised you feel like a fuck up, when you’re fucking up this profoundly. First thing is, it’s not okay to screw other people’s husbands. Got that? How the hell are you supposed to feel good about yourself when some sneaky, snaky low integrity guy come ’round and puts his hands on you? For two years? Ugh.

If you’re very, very lucky this guy will not leave his wife. Because if he does, you might get him, and you think you have problems now? You don’t. He has problems. His wife has problems. You, on the other hand can walk away - and if you want to feel good about yourself, this is exactly what you’ll do.

Next, stop spending money. I’m sorry, but you sound very self indulgent, helping yourself to whatever you want… never mind who is affected. And if that worked for you, that’d be one thing. But obviously it doesn’t. Obviously, you have a conscience - so if you want to fix this, how about you pay attention to your conscience and let it lead you out of this mess.

Want a map?

Call the guy. Tell him not come ’round no more. Tell him you’ve changed your mind - you’re done like dinner. Do you really want a man who can lie to another woman, day after day after day, after day?

Call your sister. Tell her the guy is gone. “He was married, but don’t lecture me. The pain is already exquisite. I hurt to the bone and will never do anything like this again.”

Next, get your ass back in school. You need a job, maaaan. You have bills to pay.

Last, tell your parents you’re sorry. Thank them for tolerating you. Tell them you’re going to pull yourself together, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Do this. Begin to act with some degree of integrity and you will be amazed how much better you feel.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Searching,

I’m not going to mince words. Your chart is brutal. It’s very difficult - not just right now, but in general, your entire life. And I don’t say that to make you feel bad. I say that to validate you. Because as a matter of fact, some people have more challenges than others - and you’re one of them.

Now around making a contribution, you need to look away from the “practical” and towards the ethereal and artistic, because this is an area where you have definite gifts. And beyond that, it will help to learn to trust your inner rhythms.

In obvious terms, this means when you’re tired - QUIT. And don’t beat yourself up about it. You have physical limitations and this is just the way it is. But I swear there’s a profound gift in the middle of all your pain.

I’m not sure exactly what it is, but put these words in your head: Love, art, expansion, giving, generosity, beauty, liberation, feeling, humanity, transcend, music, magic.

And when these words come up, erase them: Limits, fear, unworthy, insecurity.

This is an exercise meant to lead you somewhere but at the same time, it’s the answer to your question. Because by putting these type thoughts into the world, you will be making a positive contribution.

Good luck.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

Dear Wondering,

I think you may be surprised to learn you’re a Sagittarian yourself. Uh huh. You have Moon, Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune in Sadge. Believe me, that’s a lot of Sadge! So no wonder you’re drawn to this man - who also has four planets in the sign. Isn’t that funny? I think it is. You both have major planets in Virgo as well and bottom line: you guys are from same TRIBE.

But can there be a workable partnership?

When I first read your post, I thought not. I figured a relationship that thrived for this long with this degree of space would be doomed in closer quarters. But looking at the charts changed my mind. I tend to agree with your friend.

I think the two of you could very well hook up. You just have to respect your Sadge. For example, neither of you can tolerate being tied down, and you both need to “leave”. First he goes, and then you go. Sometimes you go together. The important thing is you keep it moving. Because how long do wild horses stay in one place?

Not long.

Nikki Giovanni says, “We love because it’s the only true adventure.”

I can’t add to that.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

There’s a new kid in the carpool this year - a sixth grader. He’s a nephew to my friend Alexa. I’ve seen him around, but really had no direct interaction with him until he got in my car on the first day of school.

I’d heard from his mother he was concerned about being late for school and sure enough, when he got in the car, he started fretting about how slow the other carpool kid was. That kid was his chronically late cousin, and he feared this would jack him up around getting to school on time. I thought, “This is an obvious Capricorn.”

Having plenty of Capricorn myself, I reassured him. “Look, hon. You’re right. He is frequently late. But he’s not as bad as he used to be and I’ve been driving this carpool… this is the sixth year! And you know what? We’ve never been late. So I don’t want you worried about this, okay? I won’t let that happen.”

I saw him visibly relax in the seat next to me. “Whew!” he must have been thinking. “One of my own kind.”

By the time I dropped the two boys off that day (my daughter, Mosta was in the hospital), I had decided I really liked this kid. I make snap judgments like that. Some things you just know and I knew I liked this kid. I liked him so much that when I saw his mother on day three, I told her, “I really like your kid…”

So on his Capricorness, by the third day of school he was on full blown worry. About everything! For one thing, his mother was potentially going to make him go to an out of town wedding, which would result in him missing school.

“I don’t know what she’s thinking,” he said. “This isn’t elementary school! This is middle school. If I miss a day… I can’t miss any school! If I do, I’ll have to make every bit of work up…” Blah, blah, blah…. and then the sky will fall.

I sat there listening to him. I was thinking, I have to help this poor kid, maaan. But I didn’t jump on it. I had time. I decided to let some more of it pass, and just observe. I wanted more information and a few days later, I got it.

The four of us were in the car. Two boys, Mosta and I. The new kid asked his cousin, who I’d driven for five years: “Are you a Capricorn?”

“No. Sagittarius,” the kid answered.

I smiled.

It was Mosta’s turn to ride shotgun, so the boys were in the back. I turned over my shoulder and asked the new kid, “Are you a Capricorn?”

“No,” he said. “Scorpio.”

“What?” I was surprised. “When is your birthday?” I asked.

“November 17th,” he answered.

“Oh. And you’re going to be how old this year?” I was asking to get the birthdata.

He told me.

“Cool. Then you’re a Scorpio. Mosta has a Scorpio rising and your cousin has three planets in Scorpio.” I laughed. “That makes this a car full of intense people, going down the road.”

No response.

Five minutes later I dropped them off thinking this kid has GOT to have a Capricorn Moon.

When I got home, I verified it. He does have a Capricorn Moon. He has a stellium in Capricorn actually and get this: on top of that, he’s got FIVE planets in Scorpio!

::laughs::

So I was talking to Alexa about this. “Someone must have told him I was an astrologer. He heard it somewhere, and now he’s probing!! That’s pretty impressive. That’s Scorpio for you. He wants to know what I know. IF I know anything, that is,” I said, with a chuckle.

She said his mother has trouble with him.

“I’ll bet,” I said.

And you get the idea here. It’s a stew and it’s starting to cook.

~~
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!

Interested in a personal consultation? Click here for more info…

The Collision

“Sonia” was a Virgo and a really exquisite one. She was a dedicated teacher. She was health conscious. She rode her bike for miles nearly daily. She ate perfect food in perfect amounts and she was always available to help.

She also had Capricorn rising and she was ultra responsible. She had a high level of integrity as a friend and even more so, professionally. The problem was she had a Scorpio Moon and man oh man, was it a mess.

The Sun in a chart - its house and aspects - shows what you do to feel vitally alive, how you go out in an active way and live. The Moon shows your emotional nature, your underside. It’s what you and perhaps a few people in your inner circle know is true about you, but outsiders may not. In this case Sonia presented as a gal who had it all pulled together, but her inner life was bubble and boil and toil and trouble.

Regarding her Scorpio Moon, on the upside, she was keenly insightful. She used her skill to help people, making her a kind of Virgo with super powers. She had this sort of X-ray vision, or whatever you want to call it. She knew instinctively where you needed to be shored up, whether you were her friend, her student or whatever. And since she could see right through you, she could quickly diagnose, and then offer the right potion in whatever form would ease your pain. Sonia had power to spare. She had power to heal. She was what I would call “effective”.

On the downside, she was paranoid, intensely possessive and venomous to an alarming degree. Sonia packed a punch, and these same skills gave her the power to consume and destroy.

Here’s the story. We met in an ultra-hip bar in city. I had been to the bar once before, on a blind date, with an ultra-hip guy. I didn’t like the guy, but the bar warranted a second look… so I went back some weeks later to cruise.

I am not hip at all, so I had to wear my sister’s clothes to fit in. Clothes that reliably trick people. I am not really out to deceive. It is just that when people tell me “you can’t go there, wearing *that*” - I believe them.

So I walked into the bar wearing my sister’s clothes, and took the one available seat at the bar. I wound up next to Sonia who struck up a conversation with me within ten seconds. She was a compelling conversationalist and I was immediately fascinated with her. She felt similar about me.

She was amazed I was in the bar alone. Apparently she was there with another gal who’d left early. She was one of those women who follow social rules like the one that says that women are not allowed to go to a bar alone. So her friend had walked in with her, acting as a “ticket” in a way. The friend had a quick drink, made it look good before she bolted, leaving Sonia at the bar, exactly where she wanted to be.

This seemed like a lot of trouble to me, but apparently the fear is if you show up at a bar alone, people will think you are on the prowl. Since I was on the prowl, this was fine with me, but I am in the slim minority on this. In whatever case, Sonia thought my showing up a bar alone was remarkable, and she wanted do a little Scorpio probing. She decided to investigate this more deeply.

“What makes her tick?” This was her curiosity, and I answered the questions she asked in the same way that I answer most questions. I was candid.

“Why did you come here tonight?”

“To look for a man.”

Answers like that draw in the people who ask these types of questions. On the flip, I am drawn to people who ask direct questions, so we were quickly off and running.

At this time I was dating 2 or 4 or 10 or more men a month. I was looking for the father of the children I wanted to have, and I was running through prospects pretty fast. I was there to run through some more, but she was interesting enough that I dumped my sperm agenda for the evening and spent the next several hours chatting with her.

The exchange was satisfying in both directions, and in the end, we exchanged phone numbers and left the bar having found a friend. It was a banner evening in both our minds. How often do you make a new friend?

To be continued next Sunday.

Takes A Chance

When I met Sonia, she’d had one date in the last year, a handful in the last three. Her lack of dates had nothing to do with her desirability, appearance, or anything surface like that. She had a slew of reasons to rule everyone out and this worked in reverse. Everyone ruled her out.

Capricorn is pretty much fear-based, and they often reject rather than risk rejection. Even acceptance can make them mightily nervous. There is also a concern for status, so a potential date has to wear the right clothes and work at the right job to even be considered. Next, her Virgo would come in to discriminate and see every flaw. Almost nobody could survive this screening process.

Never mind her Virgo Sun. She had Venus in Virgo, which is highly picky in love matters. Besides that, Venus in Virgo tends to project a sort of “I am an unmarried woman who prefers to read dense books” kind of air. This does not mean she didn’t want someone to take the librarian glasses off her face and kiss her hard, but it rarely occured.

Think “self contained”. What people saw was a neat petite woman who lacked nothing, riding by on her bike. Her Capricorn exasperated this because Capricorn is so competent. Capricorn virtually never appears weak in public, so you see she was highly effective on this level as well. So basically, she was a closed loop.

She was looking for perfection, but seemingly delivering it as well. She was attractive and educated. She was worldly, having lived in Europe for several years, and she was in great shape. She lived in the right neighborhood, went to the right clubs, and she dressed well. She had an honorable job and being an avid reader, she could converse about anything.

In spite of all of this, she was alone and she was not happy that way. She was angry and wishing not to be, so she was studying me to understand how I could rake in the men while at the same time committing acts that should’ve equalled social death, left and right.

What do I mean? Well, I show up to bars by myself, say I’m an astrologer, I live in the suburbs, and then go home at 7 PM. That ought to do it, right?

“No one even comes out until 11 PM, Elsa.”

“Well they’d better get their ass in here early if they want to meet me.” I laughed.

We rarely went out together, because our tastes were so divergent. She went chasing the elite and pretentious with her Cancer pal Marcy, and I ran amok with my Aquarian friend Kay. Remember her? The gal who only shaved one of her legs because her Libra Moon couldn’t decide. Anyway the next day, Sonia and I would get together on the phone. We’d compare notes, and then we’d go out there and do it again.

Sonia gained a large amount of freedom by our interaction, because my line regarding what was “acceptable” was so far out there from where hers was. On the flip, I was introduced to the possibility of raising my bar regarding the men I dated.

Phone conversations between us were plentiful and protracted. She absorbed, and soon things started to morph in her. She went from dogging on both men and herself, to having a degree of hope she may actually meet someone who could make her happy.

The way I saw it? Why not? Why shouldn’t she meet someone, and why couldn’t she? There was no reason, and this is what I shared with her.

I morphed too. I began to value relationships in general in a different way. Far more than I had in the past, that’s for sure. To me it was all a large and mostly fun game, but to her, it was all so serious. I came to understand that she wasn’t exactly wrong about that.

Sonia had an acute interest in astrology and I spent many hours chatting about her chart. Then one day, she dialed me up to tell me she’d done it: she’d gotten a date! She was happy, terrified, giddy, scared and so forth. Exactly what you would expect.

I was happy for her, but scared as well. Could she get a good guy right out of the gate? What were the odds?

I feared if the guy turned out to be a jerk or a bore, she might tailspin for weeks or even months. Yeah, I’m a mother hen, I know that, but what could I do? I crossed my fingers and shored her up the best I could. I OK’d her clothes and stuff.

“Yes to the short navy blue pleated skirt. It swishes. Wear pumps, you have great legs.”

“Shouldn’t I be more casual on a first date? What if he thinks I am trying too hard?”

“Well he’ll know he miscalculated when you stand up, excuse yourself and leave the restaurant for your car. This is when he will follow your legs to your car, so don’t worry about it.”

“I do have good legs.”

“Right. Show ‘em.”

“But what it, what if, what if…”

“Just get dressed. If there is a problem, excuse yourself and call me. I’ll come meet you and we’ll go somewhere else from wherever you are. Lots of men, Sonia. There are lots and lots of men.”

Leaving for her date, she was really happy. She let me know she was deeply grateful. She knew she had come a long way, and she knew I had been pitching for her.

I was moved by the recognition. I was also thrilled for her. It was like sending my daughter out the door or something. I wanted her to kick ass and have it never go back to the way it was. We had both worked hard, and this was the night of the launch.

“Hey Sonia! May the Force Be With You!”

To be continued next Sunday.

Sonia’s New Man

Turns out, Sonia’s date was a good guy, maybe even a great guy. I’m going to call him Clark Kent because he had this mild mannered thing going. He was a conservative Capricorn by day: a straight-laced, upstanding pillar of the community. He was an engineer.

He’d have bored you to tears if it stopped right there, but it didn’t. With his Moon and Venus in Aquarius, he would cross social and racial lines several times a week, when he would show up at various blues dives and jazz clubs to jam.

They had a few dates, and Sonia started to wonder about sex. It had been a long time. For both of them, I mean. Apparently dates didn’t grow on trees for this guy either. The Capricorn factor again. Fear of rejection kept him from pursuing women in a way another man might have, so what you had here was two people, mighty hungry.

“When do you sleep with a man?” she wondered. She had her rules, what were mine? When she asked, it sounded to me like she wanted permission.

“Well, Sonia, do whatever you want. But he likes you and you like him. You’re both adults. If it were me I would sleep with him immediately, and furthermore, I bet he’ll let you.”

“But what if, if, if, if…”

Next date, Sonia spent the night with Clark. She came home amazed and satisfied. She’d never dreamed things could just click. The chemistry was there and the sky was not falling! He was a marvelous match for her. He was bright, articulate, interesting and even kind of hip. Well *kind of* hip. He had the music right.

To Sonia’s pure horror, Clark would often leave work into the evening and go straight to a club not bothering to change clothes. I heard he actually arrived from time to time with a pocket protector still in place, which made me roar laughing, you can bet.

Of course, he was oblivious. He was passionate for the music and he was there to commiserate with like-minded men and women. He was accepted among them because he was real. It would have never occurred to him that there was something wrong with his short sleeved plaid shirt and the pens in his pocket.

Sonia vacillated between being amused and mortified. He was growing on her, I guess. This is the kind of man he was. The more you knew him the more reason you found to like him, because there was no reason not to like him.

“He looks like a dick.”

I laughed.

“No really, Elsa. He looks like a dick out there. How can a man be almost forty years old and leave the house like that?”

I laughed some more. I’m kind of a dick myself, that’s why. Sonia would have never talked to me that first night, had I not been wearing my sister’s clothes, remember?

“I don’t know,” I said. “He has other priorities, I guess. Is it that bad?”

“Yes, it’s that bad.”

“I don’t know, Sonia. He sounds like a nice guy to me. You like him. Christmas is coming. You can go shopping. Help him out.”

As it turned out, her Virgo could not wait to fix him. Within a few weeks of meeting him, she went out shopping with him and he happily bought an entire wardrobe.

She was highly tactful. He appreciated her taste and even more so, the opportunity to borrow it. He bought her a jacket she had admired while they shopped, in thanks for her advice and assistance. She liked that and thought it was sweet, so you can see these two were getting along. His clothes had really been bothering her, so she was gleeful after this shopping trip, her problem now obliterated.

Sonia was cautiously optimistic and had every reason to be. Each fear or challenge she encountered crumbled as she had faced it. Clark Kent was hitting all her marks with room to spare. She was fighting a fair number of demons like we all have to, but she gaining confidence by the day, and changing right before my eyes. Sex’ll do that for you.

To be continued next Sunday.

Meeting Clark Kent… and Stuff

Four or five weeks into the relationship, Sonia asked me to meet Clark. She had him fixed up and was ready to show him off, I guess. I was in no hurry. She was happy, and they were gelling as a couple. It was something terrific to witness, even from my one-sided perspective.

Myself? I was exhilarated. I was in a full-blown tango with my own man by now. I was busy enjoying his breath and all that, but I took the invitation as a signal. Sonia and Kent were further solidifying their relationship by opening it up to friends. I definitely wanted to show support.

“He wants to meet you, Elsa. He’s heard about you. He’s nervous though, so be nice. He’s never met an astrologer.”

“I’m not going to do anything to him.”

“I know that. You know what I mean. He’s very interested to meet you. He just thinks you may be a little “woo-woo” because of the astrology.”

“Woo-woo?” I laughed. He sounded like a typical Capricorn to me. “No problem. We can talk about sex instead.” I snorted. “Just kidding, Sonia. I’ll be nice.”

She laughed. “We’re going to be at the blah blah, the very hip place,” she said. “Can you stop by?”

“Done.”

“You’ll like him.”

“I already like him, Sonia.”

I met Clark and he was exactly as Sonia had reported. He was everything I would hope to see in a man sitting next to my pal. He was polite, personable and most definitely into her. I refrained from asking him his sign.

I could see he was proud to be with her. He gave the impression he could not believe he had scored such a goddess. I would not characterize him as lovesick - Clark was too reserved for that - but he was clearly delighted. He had that “get a load of what I caught” look about him, and I had the impression Sonia must have come along right as he was giving up for sure. Like that Bonnie Raitt song, “Love In The Nick Of Time”.

There was chitchat, but I didn’t stay long. I’d seen and been seen, and they had that new couple-in-love thing happening. They were at a point where they were hungry for one another and other people were a distraction, so I let them off the hook and took off early.

It was an act of grace. I could see that Clark Kent took it as such, and this made me happy. He wanted her to himself. I could plainly see this, and it made me kind of weepy on the way to my car. I was deeply moved because I thought that he was in love with her.

The next day, Sonia dialed me up. “Brinnnnnnng! Brinnnnnnnng!”

“What did you think of him? Did you like him?” she asked.

“Yeah I liked him. What do I think? I think that’s your man. If you want him, you can have him. He’s yours.”

She was quiet. Sonia was the kind who exudes. I could feel her through the phone. I could feel her heart beating. “He told me he loves me,” she said quietly. Happily.

“Yeah! Of course! Of course he loves you! YEAH! There you go! I’m happy for you, Sonia!”

She was quiet. “Are you going to go out with that guy in the shack again?”

“Yes, I am,” I said smugly. Sonia didn’t know exactly what to make of me dating a man who lived in a shack.

“Well, I hope that works out as well for you as this has for me. You deserve it.”

“Me too. It’s looking good, Sonia. I like him quite a bit. He’s my kind of crazy. The delicious kind. Are you and Clark going to the “hip event in the city” on Friday?

“I don’t know. We’ll see if he asks me. I checked his messages and one of his friends called to invite him to bleh bleh bleh on the same night, so we’ll see who he picks to spend time with.”

“His messages?”

“Yeah. He has an answering machine. I listen to his messages so I know what he’s up to.”

“Huh?”

“I call in and check his messages so I know what he’s up to.”

“You do what?!!!? His phone messages? He lets you do that.”

She laughs. “Of course he doesn’t let me! Are you crazy? I have the code.”

“You have the code? Where the hell did you get the code? He gave that to you?”

“His machine is on the nightstand next to his bed. Most of them have the code stamped on the bottom. He went into the bathroom and I turned it over and memorized it.”

“WHAT! YOU DID WHAT? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What? Do you think I would just believe everything he told me, and not check it out?”

“Yes! Sonia! You can’t do that to someone. What if he did that to you?”

She chuckled again. “I’m not stupid enough to leave the code on the bottom of my machine for anyone to get, am I? I use voice mail!”

I shook my head. “Sonia, tell me this is a joke. Please. You can’t be serious.”

“He’ll never know. How can it hurt anything? He tells me things, and I can confirm he’s being honest with me.”

“I can’t believe you do this. I can’t believe that you think this is okay.”

“Elsa. I can’t believe you think it’s a problem.”

“Has he ever lied to you?”

“Not yet.”

“Not yet? Oh brother. What the hell are you doing? I think you should respect his privacy.”

“Hey. As long as he doesn’t lie to me, there’s not going to be a problem. I don’t think this is any of your business, Elsa.”

“It’s not right. There’s no way to justify it. If I were him and I caught on to you, I would throw your ass in the street.”

“So would I, but he is not going to catch me, is he? He’s not that smart. He’s so trusting. He’s like a kid almost. He’s naive. This really is not a problem for me and if it’s a problem for you, then I don’t want to hear about it. It’s none of your business, so just let it go.”

I felt her chill, but ignored it. “He’s a naive kid because he trusts you?” I was incredulous.

“Elsa, let it go. I’m not you. This is my decision, and I don’t need your input.”

I felt my face getting red. I was going to say something I would regret, but caught myself just in time. “Later Sonia.”

“Later, Elsa.”

Click.
Click.

To be continued next Sunday

Then What Happened…

I got off the phone dumbstruck. There was no way I could justify Sonia’s behavior, but I am still me, and by my nature I am a loyal friend. I cared for her and I was deeply invested. I tossed it around for a few days and decided to continue to support her while I hoped that she came around. Provided I ever heard from her again, I mean.

This decided, I was loath to be anywhere near Clark Kent. I couldn’t imagine myself standing next to him, knowing what I did but saying nothing. You know that feeling when you fold in on yourself? Ack. I hate it. I felt so reduced. What Sonia was doing screamed against everything I believed.

She eventually called me. It was about a week later. Frankly I don’t think I would have called her, but I would have felt the loss, believe me. We argued, to no end.

“Sonia, the guy loves you. Give him a break. Just toss the code.”

“That is not going to happen, Elsa. You’re as naƒ�ve as he is if you think people don’t do this.”

I don’t know. I thought she might be right about that. I am pretty naƒ�ve and there’s the problem. When you’re authentically naƒ�ve and you know it, it’s impossible to judge the degree, so I was pretty much trumped right there.

In the end, we drew our lines. It was the old “agree to disagree” thing and the friendship progressed. I am not sure what she was thinking. What other people do in relationships may be a mystery to me but I was pretty sure I was morally right on this. Further, I thought I had made an impact. I shut my mouth, but I was hoping that a week or two or three would pass and she would begin to feel silly checking up on a man who was clearly devoted to her.

This seemed feasible to me. In my movie, she would wise up. Her self-confidence might increase and she could take the chance of trusting him. I still hoped it would turn out okay. She was definitely in the danger zone. She had her car in a tailspin, but I thought that she could pull out of it and this is what I was rooting for.

And Clark? Well ideally, he would never find out what she’d done. Sonia would regret not trusting him and they would live happily ever after, of course. This is the kind of movie I like, but I bet that the reader is smarter than I am, and already knows this is not what happened.

Sonia was poking through Clark’s wallet. She cultivated relationships with regulars and employees of places he frequented for the express purpose of keeping tabs on him. She was not overt about it. She was much more insidious.

Remember, Sonia was acutely insightful. She would have a little chat with the cocktail waitress at this place, or the other. She’d have her ears pricked up for some indication that something with her boyfriend was amiss, even though nothing ever was. She was sophisticated enough to glean information people didn’t know they were giving out and she continued to monitor his phone messages. Time passed.

Sonia’s relationship with Clark deepened. My relationship with my Shack Man deepened, as did the relationship between Sonia and I. We were all tilting on our personal axis, and becoming hardwired to each other. Sonia and I had met these men within a week of each other, so watching things develop was a fascinating study if you’re into that kind of thing, and I am.

Clark was unaware of Sonia snooping, as far as I knew. I moved to the country with Shack Man. I still spoke with Sonia but less frequently. I was frying my own fish. When I did talk to her, she sounded bitter and full of resentment for reasons that were non-specific. She complained about Clark, but I could never really discern what he was doing that pissed her off. I thought she was eating her own heart and I told her so, because this is the way I am. If I care for you at all, you’re going to get the truth.

She was conflicted talking to me. Her Scorpio Moon took my lack of support of her behind-the-scenes activities to be a betrayal. On the other hand, how many people are going to tell you you’re eating your heart? There is a certain potency there that is uncommon. Sonia, not a stupid woman by a shot, knew she was losing her grip. I felt she was calling me trying to ground, and I tried to help her out.

She was helping me as well. Quite. I was up to my neck in WASPs, with no idea what that meant. Sonia saw this and spent a lot of time trying to teach me things I should have understood twenty years earlier. Okay. Ten years earlier. We both had what it took, and we delivered. She was calling me to have some sense slapped into her. I was calling her for a reality check. More time passed.

Complaints about Clark became tiresome to me. More and more, they were all imagined slights in my estimation. Do you wonder what kind of slights? He was an “insensitive fucking bastard” because he only stayed on the phone with her for 40 minutes and she was not done raving. That kind of thing. Her temper was short, and so was mine.

She wanted me to agree with her. She wanted me to show her some allegiance, by validating her thoughts and feelings about various things. But I could not perform. In my mind, I was being a loyal friend when I hung tough and told her that if she kept it up, Clark was going to run for the hills.

“Well he’s out of his fucking mind if he thinks he is going to find someone like me with his stupid pocket protector…”

“Well, Sonia, that’s probably true. But men like Clark? Well you know. Decent men available at forty years old are few and far between. And you like him. Let’s see. You’ve got to admit that you are amused by him, right? He makes you laugh.”

“He’s stupid, Elsa. His jokes are stupid.”

“Yeah, I know. But you like them. And you laugh at them, right? His jokes are stupid and you think he’s funny.”

“Yes. I laugh at his jokes.”

“And you like the sex…”

She interrupted. “You’re impossible Elsa. You just don’t want to see what is wrong with this guy. No wonder men like you. You actually like the sons of bitches.”

“Sonia.” I laughed. “I do. I do like men. And I know he is not a perfect person, but he’s pretty damned good. And you guys have that Jupiter thing going. He is generous with you. You have told me yourself that he forgives you left and right…”

I would go on like that and she would start to calm down. “You’re right. He has put up with a lot out of me…”

“Yeah. Because he knows women like you don’t grow on trees.”

Feeling her even out, I silently rooted for her. “C’mon Sonia. Get a grip and hold it.” As her friend, I hadn’t heard one thing about Clark that gave me even a minute of pause. Intermittently she would tell me that if she lost him, she was the putz of the century.

“You know Elsa, you’re right. He’s not that bad. He’s pretty good, isn’t he?”

“Yeah Sonia. He’s good. I think you booked a winner right out of the gate.”

That was that. That was how Sonia got grounded, but then the night fell.

To be continued next Sunday.

End Game

The band played on. Clark? It seemed to me that Sonia had slipped a noose around his neck while he slept. At first he was not aware, but as she tightened it down, he must have begun to notice and she started to lose him. Naturally this increased her angst.

She was furious with everyone and spiraling further into the abyss. One day a week, she was normal. The other six days, she was on a tirade and everything and everyone was fair game. Not just Clark, but myself and her friend Marcy as well. None of us could understand shit. You got that? We don’t understand shit! I started to hold the phone away from my ear while she ranted, but I still hung in there. I’m not kidding about that loyal thing. I have some serious staying power.

Clark Kent broke off with Sonia six or seven months into the relationship. The final straw? She wanted a key to his house and he refused. He told her he did not trust her and she went ballistic. By her own account (on odd numbered days), he had put up with plenty and he finally just threw in the towel. Sonia was Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction devastated, and she could not let go.

He was gone, but she followed him like a shadow, over-tipping cocktail waitresses for information. The kid gloves were off by now. Way off. She would order a drink, tip huge, and they would tell her if he had been in that evening, and any other piece of info she could gather. Was he wearing the clothing she helped him pick? The blue shirt? The brown? What pants? Did that fucker have on his pocket protector?

Meanwhile, in thick with Shack Man, I had not been out for months. My Aquarian friend Kay missed me, and I missed her, so one night we went out running amok like old times and we ran smack into Clark Kent. Oh crap. This is all I need.

I instantly began debating in my mind whether or not to tell Sonia I saw him out. He was up by the stage chatting with the musicians; I was across the room. It was feasible I’d not seen him, right? This, because I knew a waitress would be reporting in. “Clark Kent and that friend of yours were in last night…”

The decision was made for me when Clark saw me and decided to cross the bar and say hi.

“Nooooooooooo!” I screamed inside my head, but he did not hear me. He headed on over, with a big smile to boot. Maybe he really is stupid, I thought. Is he trying to get us killed?

“Elsa! Good to see you!” he said with a wide smile. He introduced himself to Kay. I didn’t really talk. I didn’t dare. Feeling the eyes recording the interaction, I turned further away in my chair. I was distinctly NOT chatting up Sonia’s ex and everyone was my witness, okay? I had the presence of mind to marvel, too. Obviously, I was afraid of Sonia. I could not deny this.

Clark chatted with Kay. He attempted to talk to me, but I was non-responsive. I felt bad about it too, because he was a Capricorn, sensitive to rejection. FUCK!

“Have a good night, ladies,” he said, before heading back up to the stage as the new set was supposed to start. Crap! Got trouble, now! I though I should have never come out. Mother, motherfucker, I should have stayed home with Shack Man.

::sigh::

I went home feeling defeated and wondering how I should handle the situation. It didn’t take me long to decide I had best tell Sonia before someone else did. I dialed her up.

Briiiiiinnnng! Briiiiiinnng!

It was 11 PM, and she was awake and pacing. I could sense the disappointment in her voice when it was me calling late, not him. She was still hoping.

“Er… I thought I better let you know I ran into Clark tonight at the XXXXX.”

“What? Where was he? He never goes out on Wednesdays. What was he doing?”

“Nothing special.”

“Was he with anyone?”

“No.”

“Was anyone talking to him?”

“The musicians.”

“Oh. I don’t think they like him. I think they just tolerate him. Was he talking to anyone else?”

Actually I thought they liked him quite a bit. “He was talking to Kay and me,” I said.

“YOU! What was he talking to you about?”

“He just said hi.”

“What? Why would he say hi to you?”

“I don’t know. He was just being cordial.”

“Well, I don’t know what he would be interested in talking to you for. Clark doesn’t think much of astrology, Elsa…”

This went on for 20 minutes. She railed on and on. I felt like crying the whole time, mostly from sheer exhaustion. I was so tired. I had the phone held away from my ear. I was so tired of this scenario, and then she popped off with this:

“You’re attracted to him, aren’t you? That’s it. Well if you two want to screw each other, go right ahead. I should have known.”

“Excuse me?”

“Goddamnit Elsa! I knew I couldn’t trust you.”

I would say it hurt me but I was too numbed out. It was the last straw though. I felt a lump in my throat, vomit rising.

“Sonia?”

“What?”

“I can’t deal with this. Please don’t call me again.”

Click.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, shocked. I’d just thrown Sonia off a building. I could feel her howl from across the city, and I started to cry.

Epilogue

Months passed. Maybe ten or so. I was standing in line to see a movie in the mall.

“Elsa?”

It was Marcy. Sonia’s best friend. I was Sonia’s secondary friend. I’d known Sonia for about ten months, where their friendship spanned six years or so. Marcy and I were acquainted. We’d heard a lot about each other, but we had not spent that much time together firsthand. She greeted me warmly and I was surprised. “How’ve you been?” she asked.

“Great. I’m pregnant,” I said. I was smug. This is what I’d wanted. “How are you?”

“Great! I’m engaged and this is him!” Smiling, she introduced me to the man next to her, and showed me her ring. She was smug too, because this is what she wanted. A husband!

I chuckled. “All right! We both got what we wanted! Good for us.”

I was a little uncomfortable. I had no idea what Sonia may have said? Would she tell me? Oh please no.

Instead she asked, “How’s Sonia?”

“Huh? Um…I don’t know. I haven’t seen her for months.”

“Really!” She raised an eyebrow. “How strange. Neither have I.”

“You’re kidding?” I said.

“No. I just couldn’t take it anymore. She was driving me nuts. She was just too intense. I felt like I was dying.”

“I know what you mean. Er… did you know Clark left her?” I asked.

“Yes. I was there for that. I couldn’t blame him. I quit seeing her right after that.”

“Me too. Does this mean all three of us dropped off at the same time?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t know, but it sounds that way. I didn’t know you weren’t around. If I’d have known that… well, she never said anything.” She looked sort of disgusted and hurt at the same time. “And that’s Sonia for you. She would have never said… I felt bad about abandoning her, but she was just out of control.”

I nodded. I was very uncomfortable talking about Sonia when she wasn’t there. Loyalty dies hard. “Hmm. Well, I’m glad you’re happy,” I said, trying to end the conversation.

“You too. Are you seeing ___ movie?”

“No. Johnny Depp.”

“Oh. We want to see that one too. Enjoy it. This is really weird to run into you and find out about Sonia. Really weird.”

I nodded. I felt strange. I felt hormonal too. Marcy and I never did have any chemistry and I’m lousy at being superficial. “Er… Enjoy your movie too. Good to see you, Marcy. Nice to meet you, Marcy’s fiancƒ�. Good luck.”

Marcy’s man paid for their tickets at the window. They both glanced at my stomach, and nodded at me before heading off towards the concession stand. I bought my ticket, but I blew off the refreshments and headed straight for the restroom. I was hoping against the odds I could make it through the film without having to pee. You know how it is when you’re pregnant.

What happened to Sonia?

I don’t know. She burned her life to the ground. My fervent wish is these events sent her to the depths and she rose from the ashes, transformed in fine Scorpio fashion. She may have done just that. She had it in her, thats for sure.

It’s ten years later, now. I still miss her.

The End