Dear Late Blooming,

I was expecting to see some sort of train wreck in your chart. But as a matter of fact, there is nothing to indicate you’re destined to end up alone, or even that you would have particular trouble manifesting a relationship. I think the problem is your perspective on this.

I always worry when people say ~soul mate~. I don’t know for sure what they mean, but I always wonder if they’re not looking for some sort of ideal that does not exist. You know. Boy meets girl and it all falls in place.

That happens of course, but then the games begin! The games being the ambivalence most of us suffer when we hook up. Because it’s not a panacea. It is NEVER perfect, not even for a day.

Now, you have a lot of Virgo tied up with your relationship profile, which basically means you want things to be clean. But relationships are inherently messy! And I’ll give you an example.

Most people would agree, I have the right man. However, I drive him insane. Every time I come to his place, I mess up his kitchen floor. I’m serious. Blood, mud, I drop a blueberry and step on it~ yesterday I shook salad dressing with the top off, flinging it everywhere. And do you think he likes this? He does not! Every time I come over he has to clean the floor and I come over a lot~ and remain oblivious to my kitchen-flinging habits in spite of his complaints.

So what should he do? Dump me!

Well he’s had to struggle with this, don’t you think? But I love the living shit out of him and in the end he’s decided to just accept this floor thing as part of the deal, and here is my point:

There’s no problem having ideals around relationships, but yours needs an overhaul. Instead of pining for a perfect fit, imagine this as your ideal: someone who can tolerate your quirks as you tolerate theirs. Redefine your idea of ~soul mate~ to include dirty kitchen floors, and other faults and flaws. Try to see the beauty in loving the imperfect - and having them love you.

Go looking for that, and I bet you find it.

Dear Burdened,

Yeah, I can help. You have the planet Jupiter sitting right on your ascendant (your rising sign). The ascendant shows the body and Jupiter expands anything it touches. Consequently it’s very common for people with “Jupiter rising” as it’s called, to be large.

However, you’re not doomed and I can tell you this for sure. I have Jupiter rising myself, and I’ve beat the weight thing (knock on wood!!)

Here’s the deal. We are optimistic people with our mind on the future. You know. Tomorrow is always going to be better than today. And Jupiter is not keen on limits. It’s not about exuberance: more is better! And in fact, we’d be fine if other parts of us were not interested in fitting in our jeans. We’d just grow and grow and grow. But alas, it becomes a problem.

But it’s a problem that can be solved pretty readily. You only need understand the energy you embody that seeks expression, and redirect it. Like a person who is very insightful. They can use their talent to heal, or to hurt. Same with Jupiter. This energy can do a hell of a lot more than grow your body.

For example, you are a natural teacher. If you teach and preach all day, Jupiter will be engaged and you won’t be eating.

Secondly, you’re a horse. A wild one! And what does a wild horse look like? They sure as hell aren’t fat. They’re on the moooooooove. Move. If you get yourself moving, you will not be eating. Get it? Because Jupiter is otherwise engaged.

Third. Travel!! Travel is Jupitarian because it expands you. Go places! Every day! What does a wild horse do? It gets around. It sees what’s over the horizon and over the horizon beyond that. Is eating the focus? Of course not.

Last. READ. Educate yourself. Specifically religion and philosophy. This is another way to expand, yes? And when you’re smarter, go back up there to the first idea and do what? TEACH! Teach others.

So there you go. This is you… if you opt to function on a higher level. Fat is not in the equation is it?

Good luck

Here is the answer I wrote which I sent to my editor, HQ. That’s short for Headquarters, by the way:

Dear Plutonian,

You sound conscious to me. What part of this is unconscious? I have no concerns about you failing. You’re not going to fail. I think you’re probing around because this is what you do. You’re picking up rocks, looking for worms, but this one is clear, so move along.

You’re on the right path. Go kick ass.

~~
He responded:

Is it possible to write her back and ask for more data? I wonder what signs are leading her to think she’s sabotaging themselves…

~~
I told him I’d ask her to add information and I did. Being a total Plutonian, she came back with this:

Dear Elsa, I am 28 and just now returning to school to pursue a psychology degree. However, I seem to suffer from chronic procrastination, and I fear that I may be subconsciously trying to fail on purpose, to spite those who pressure me. What can I do to overcome this if that is the case?

Sincerely,
Plutonian

~~
Now is it me, or is that the same post?

Dear Losing,

No, I don’t think you do. What you have is a very strong desire to be partnered, coupled with a very strong tendency to delude and sacrifice yourself in relationships. Apparently this is proving to be a deadly combination.

See actually, your pattern is not “fucking up relationships”. Your pattern is hooking up with men who don’t value you. Why? Well I don’t think you don’t want to be alone and guess what? Either do I! But you must discriminate.

There is absolutely no astrological reason why someone can’t love and value you properly. This is occurring because of the choices you are making. If you want to change the tune, it’s essential you banish all traces of the idea that you’re a mean, fucked-up fixer-upper!

In other words: you are going to have to set some sort of standard around how a man is going to treat you, and you’re going to need some self-esteem to do it.

Now personally, I would go with a zero-tolerance approach. When the man says you’re fucked-up, this is your cue to say, “I’m looking for a man who doesn’t think so.” If he remains adamant about conveying this kind of sentiment about you, then you’re going to have to make a choice.

You can either decide to be his dumping ground, or you can walk. Either one will be a challenge, but the point is this dynamic is utterly and completely within your power to change.

Good luck

Dear Lost in Life,

You are not! You’re not lost in life. You sound very clearheaded to me. You also sound caring, compassionate and honest. How lost can you be when you have all that firing?

Of course you’re not doing your mother a disservice. You’re living your life and so is she.

Look at it this way. It’s not easy having arthritis. It’s also not easy to get through college! Please go and go guilt-free. If you want to feel something, feel proud. The quality of person you are is palpable in your post and anyone reading would agree.

But there’s a bigger issue here and that’s your guilt in general. With your Moon in Virgo, you’re a helper by nature and that’s fine. But you can’t save everyone, all the time. There are legitimate reasons for saying no and if I were you, I would work on acquiring the ability to absolve myself of the guilty feelings that arise - so you don’t need someone like me!

Good luck

Dear Uncomfortably Engaged,

Yeah. You’re not cut out for comfort. This is true in a sense, but there’s a better way to frame it. See, there are people out there who are fairly simple. It’s pretty easy for them to get their needs met; but there are others who are deeply conflicted and you are one of them.

Now you don’t need to go jump off a roof or something. Do you really want to be a simple animal? A cow, for example? I don’t think so. Much better to be you while figuring this out, and with that I can help.

You have a Cancer Moon. Means you want to have a family. A traditional family, for that matter. Just look at you going on about your house. That’s Cancer stuff: home and hearth. This is terrifically important to you and you’re not going to be able to deny this and thrive.

So that’s that, but then the plot thickens. Oh my God, girl. You have a freedom urge a mile wide. You simply can’t tolerate restriction. Give you a rule and you wanna break it. This is what’s going on with the cheating urge. You will be beholden to no man!!

So how to resolve? There is no simple solution. This is a lifetime challenge. But understanding it can help immensely. Bottom line, you’re not going to be able to serve these two sides of your nature simultaneously, but you can hit them both up daily.

For example, feed your man breakfast, and then get the hell out of there. That’s what I do! Take your space and take it frequently. The main thing is to get hip to the fact you need space and it has nothing to do with this man in particular.

Good luck.

Dear Lonely Mom,

The answer is an emphatic YES. I don’t mean to minimize whatever it was you went through, but there comes a time when your must choose to have a future, rather than re-hash the past.

Your chart is very dynamic and you know what? It doesn’t have anything to do with this guy. It’s your energy, your gifts and talents. You are choosing to focus it on events of ten years ago, when you could be using them to manifest a completely new life for yourself and your daughter.

Now I’ll tell you something. My father beat me. He beat the living hell out of me and I didn’t like it one bit. So you know what? I was seventeen when I decided no man would ever hit me again. EVER. I made this decision because I looked around, and you know what I saw?

I saw people who were not victims. They seemed to be living pretty well, so I decided to be one of them.

You can do same. Fix your hair. Put on some lipstick. Get your ass out there, and get yourself a good man. A real man. I promise you, if you steel yourself the way I did, the perp types will cut a wide swath around you, the way they do me.

And it’s not just for you, but for your daughter. What a gift, to model a healthy relationship for her. You can do this. You’ve already paid your dues. You only need to choose.

Good luck

Dear Feeling Ill,

I don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. You have free will. But I can give you a very good idea what will fulfill you.

Your chart is almost entirely Virgo and Pisces. When you have Virgo or Pisces in your chart, then it’s very simple: you will serve, or you will suffer. When you have a chart like yours, where the emphasis on these two signs is overwhelming… well there is nothing more to discuss.

Now I know this is very bad news if you were born in a culture where achievement on a material level is valued, but too bad. If you take the smallest step towards embracing this idea, you will quickly align, simply because it’s RIGHT.

All these health worries stem from Virgo energy gone awry. The doctor is right. Keep it up and you will literally worry yourself to death. How about refocusing your energy, hmm? Because I promise you this. If you get up in the morning and asking yourself, how can I help someone today - you will see immediate relief.

Now here’s the good news. Today’s good deed is done and I want you to recognize this. In writing me and allowing me to publish your angst, others are served. Can you see that you threw yourself up on a cross here? You did. So take the rest of the day off, okay?

But tomorrow, another good deed. Keep this up and I think you will become far more than the man that you want to be. You will become the man that God wants you to be and at that point, it really doesn’t matter what your parents think.

Thank you for posting. Much love

Dear Stuck,

Look. You’re jacking up your life here. You’re choosing to spend it looking wistfully off into the horizon at a boat you were very lucky to have missed. How long do you want to do this? You tell me. Because as far as I can tell, it’s all your energy. You’re in this alone.

The guy wants a friend, who doesn’t? But you’ve infused it with all sorts of grandiose stuff and you know it.

How can you get him out of your head? Easy! Quit feeding this. Let that boat sail! Stand on your little beach there and wave bye bye to the boat. Because it’s not coming to you, and you’re not going to it.

And don’t bother mourning. You’ve already been mourning a mirage for an embarrassing number of years, yes? Transcend, hon. The right boat can’t enter the picture until you do.

Good luck

Dear Doubting,

Yes, there’s something in the charts! Your husband is in a complex crisis that has nothing to do with you. It obviously affects you, but it’s not because of you and he’s just going to have to live through this time in his life.

Your problem is much simpler and easier to address. Basically, your husband is wigging and you’re scared to death. No one can blame you, but you know what? It’s not helping, and he needs your help. So just stop feeding the fear and loathing. Take a deep breath and try to get your bearings. Where is your ground, maaaan? FIND IT.

Find it, because you’re disabling yourself, right when your husband needs you the most. And you really don’t sound like you want out, so I suggest you get in. All the way in. Commit yourself!

But you’re going to have to be the hero. You’re going to have to do this on your own. You may deserve his support, but what if he’s simply not in shape to shore you up right now? Because I really don’t think he is. But you know what?

If you can do this for on our own, your self-esteem will increase exponentially. You’ll feel strong and proud and focused and the minute that happens, all of this will ease and your whole family wins.

Good luck, and for the record. I’m betting on you. I have no doubt you can pull this off and your husband will be most grateful, first chance he has.